Remember my "Draperize Your Husband" giveaway? Well, the contest continues. I had asked everyone to describe the least sexy piece of clothing in your husband's closet and you all delivered with some truly horrendous attire.
So I have two things for you today. The first is an illustration based on your comments. The men don't look nearly as offensive as I had imagined in my head, but here it is regardless.
I also took the liberty of contacting a few people with especially egregious clothing descriptions and asked them to submit pictures. And now we're going to put them to a vote just like last time. (YAY!)
Here are your finalists for "Least Sexy Piece of Clothing Found in Your Husband's Closet"…
Natasha said:
"My husband has a pair of pants I call his "Hulk pants", because they appear like Dr. Bruce Banner's after he's turned into the Hulk. They're torn off at the bottoms, and are approximately manpri length."
Ringed Dragon said:
"An extra large t-shirt from Sea World purchased in 1996. It has been through several moves, over a decade of lawn care, room painting, baby food, poo splatters, and an unfortunate run in with a hatchback. I've put it into the trash, only to have it rescued and put into the wash. He claims— It's just getting good!!"
(Note: Shirt was taped to window to illustrate thinness of material.)
Kim said:
"My husband joined the gym for the pool. Doing laundry after first visit produced what appeared to be doll size underwear- a Speedo!"
(Note: This is not Kim's husband.)
Tracey said:
"My husband's least sexy article of clothing has got to be his new (self-titled) "fat pants." He's apparently put on some poundage, and found these khaki pants that have an elastic flap on the side to release tension from his belly fat. Believe me, nothing says H-O-T like knowing your hubby is wearing pants with an elastic waist."
Fritter said:
"My husband has a hedious college cardigan sweater straight out of Happy Days. It is cream colored with a big Varisty 'M' for the University of Michigan on the lower pocket. The worst part? It was given to him by his mother."
Varda said:
"I accidentally bought my husband a pair of lime green boxers that say "Stocking Stuffer" across the ass. (They were sold folded up, I had thought they were solid, didn't see the "message" til he put them on the first time!) They are now ten years old, stretched out and NEED to be retired. Not to mention my own damn fault."
Frazzled Mommy said:
"Ahem… His wedding suit from his first marriage. Definitely the absolute LEAST sexy thing in any man's closet."
(No picture necessary.)
Joann said:
"My husband LITERALLY has a pair of jean overalls in his closet. He bought them for halloween one year, and he refuses to part with them."
(Note: Sadly, this is not Joann's husband but what better way to illustrate the unsexiness of a pair of overalls then to show how they transform a beautiful man into someone totally unfuckable?)
Kerri said:
"The item would have to be his "I'm Grumpy because your Dopey" T-shirt which pays homage to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
Dusty earth mother said:
"A bright red reindeer Christmas sweater from 1986. I'm not kidding."
Those are your top ten. And now I feel like Cat Deeley. Except the winner doesn't get screamed at by Mary Murphy, she gets a $25 gift certificate from Metal Pressions. Yes, that's right— there's a prize. That's how we do things here!
Metal Pressions makes personalized high-end jewelry including the fancy schmancy monogrammed cufflinks pictured left. Since there is no where to put cufflinks on a reindeer sweater, I also included a picture of a 14k Gold Love Charm Necklace, in case you'd prefer to get something for yourself. I should mention that $25 does not cover either one of these, but if you look around their site you'll find great pieces in a variety of price ranges.
Alright, ladies— start campaigning. Winner is announced next Friday. Make sure to vote below!
Tough call between manpris and the overalls. But that guy was pretty cute and you are right TOTALLY unfuckable. But then again, the word manpri alone just makes me pee my pants.
Manpri!!!! That totally cracked me up.
I wish you’d contacted me. My husband has some pretty hideous items in the closet.
This was tough but I made my vote.
I am cracking up! Love this!
So confession…….My husband really wants to BUY a pair of jean overalls! WHAT. I tell him no. And I promise to divorce him if he brings them into our hosue.
His reasoning?…..They are practical. He needs them to work in the yard. They have lots of pockets and also protect him. And of course, He thinks they are cool!
I promised him they weren’t cool. AT. ALL. And if he did buy some…I’d leave.
Personally, I loathe tasseled loafers even more than penny loafers. What a major turn-off.
Sorry! I based the finalists solely on the giveaway comments and you didn’t describe anything specific. Consider your husband spared:)
Protect him from what? Neighborhood women from throwing themselves at him?
Divorce is a good call.
Agreed. If a get a second, I may change that just for you.
As a proud member of the minyun MS XY (the ten men who read mommyshorts), I have to say that I do own several of those Glamour Don’ts which I try to keep in the depths of my closet.
I also have to call bullshit and proclaim that 80% of your readers (not excluding the MS XY) would totally bang the overalls dude before he was able to get the denim bib past his junk.
I am with Kevin: I would have my way with Gomer Pyle if he looked like that in overalls.
I have determined a guy was unfuckable for a lot less than jean overalls. One day I’ll tell you the story about the incredibly good looking guy from my office who was an overly enthusiastic high-fiver. Ruined him completely.
Oh, you other lucky ladies are giving my stocking stuffer a run for his money. the day after I took the photo I found my husband asleep in bed… in these boxers. NO, it did not make me want to jump his bones. YES, I took another picture but didn’t have the heart to send it in to you, Ilana. The, um, filled out shape with pasty legs sticking out of them would have made your readers stick knitting needles into their eyes.
Dusty, does that sweater make your husband look like a member of the Swedish Ski team? No? Then is HAS to go!
Thanks for having me here, Ilana!
how did I miss this request for pictures? I have one. He is wearing the overalls AND a trucker hat that says “Producers” on it.
Of course I am wearing a cow costume. Maybe I should be disqualified because I look less sexy than he does. NO! NO! I didn’t keep my costume with intentions of wearing it again in real life. I think I should win. It’s JEAN OVERALLS PEOPLE!
(Although, the Hulk pants are amazing.)
I’m forwarding this to my husband so he can feel hip
these are hilarious. i will never show my huz this post b/c his response would clearly be along the lines of “is their a link to purchase those overalls” i cannot even begin to go into his fashion mangressions
What if the full picture revealed he was actually wearing jean overall shorts?
Honest question.
Ooooooo, that’s a game changer! Especially if the cuff is rolled up.
I think that picture might have helped your case. Nothing wins unsexy votes like a set of plump pasty legs.
I checked and I forgot to put you on the email request— Sorry! If you send it today, I’ll switch out the pic. Although, the model presents a pretty strong argument in your favor.
Aren’t you the one who sent in the comment about the braided reversible belt?
You poor, poor thing.
My heart goes out to you.
My husband is from Europe and a former waterpolo player, so the man knows his way around a Speedo. On him, in our home, I can deal. In public, on anyone, I throw up a little in my mouth.
<---- From a small farming community in Missouri, where overalls are just as common as jeans, but men NEVER wear shorts, or, God forbid, manpris. My husband got out of the Marine Corps 2 years ago and refuses to admit that he is not as - ahem - fit as he once was, and refuses to move up a size. *Sigh.* I'm going to have to vote for the Christmas sweater...that is beyond hideous.
Too funny. I totally sympathise with the Sea World t-shirt. My husband had far too many old tees that are falling apart and in need of chucking. I don’t know understand the need to hang on… (although, I can’t really talk when my knickers are in a similarly sad state)
*has* not *had*… unfortunately…
Thank you. See Kevin’s comment below. He claims we are in the minority regarding Mr. Overall’s fuckability.
We just recently got my dad to stop wearing a Speedo. We now celebrate that day instead of Father’s Day.
Shorts are a funny thing. I hear that in Europe that’s how they can pick out the Americans. (That among other things.)
And I suppose overalls are acceptable on actual farmers.
I think.
My husband has a whole box of t-shirts that I kicked out of our dresser but he refuses to throw out. T-shirts from various college parties, golf shirts from specific “opens”, etc. I’m sure we’ll be transporting that box around with us wherever we go until the day I die.
My husband is less than pleased with his so-far leadership performance as “unsexiest man alive”. I told him if he’s not proud of his Hulk manpris, perhaps he shouldn’t wear them so often.
This is too funny! Let’s see how my husband’s sad Snow White homage stacks up.
yes, he is guilty of the hideous belt as well as pleated pants, tassled shoes, and of course, a well worn mr perfect shirt.
Well, let’s just say winning this contest is not worth a divorce. My hubs rarely reads my friends’ blogs. But just in case… putting his underpants up on the internet = embarrassing, but putting his butt IN his underpants up on the internet = unforgivable.
I’m really sorry I missed this original competition. My husband has a pair of sweatshorts that he wears to work out in, which, as if that alone wasn’t bad enough, are at least two sizes too big. I call him Dr. Droopy Drawers when he wears them, which I don’t think he appreciates.
Thank you for validating me on this one! It used to almost ruin chances of a second date in New York for me, when I’d see the guy and he was wearing tasseled loafers. It gave me such irreversible “ick” that I couldn’t block it out. They are so…creepy. And I have several male friends (all over forty) who continue to insist that I am just not “preppy” enough. No. I am not fusty enough.
Ok, when I sent my husband to vote, he even voted for the manpris’s! That is better than the Snow White Homage!
Clearly the “manpris” (love that) are the crappiest on the list, but I had to vote for the Richie Cunningham because it dried up my vagina. I’d go shopping for floral arrangements with a man in that sweater, or listen to him sing a cappella, but never would I produce enough juice to let him do me like a prom queen.
That’s okay. He might have divorced me if I’d done that. He loves his hideous things 🙂
I totally cracked up at this response.
Call me crazy if you’d like, but I really like the Richie Cunningham sweater. I wish my husband had one. Although, if he did, I would probably steal it to wear.
manpri’s is my new favorite word! I laughed out loud at the stocking stuffer thing. I can just imagine her face when she first put them on.
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