Father’s Day is this weekend and if you haven’t gotten a gift yet then you are in Desperate Mode. In other words, you are seriously debating making one of those sex voucher coupon books.
Well, I have saved you the trouble. Because those things just end up in a drawer and then two years later, your husband whips out a ripped piece of paper and says— “Hey! You never gave me that blow job while dressed like my fifth grade math teacher!” And then you laugh and laugh and go back to playing scrabble on your computer.
Instead, I have created “The Scandalous Father’s Day Coupon Book” inspired by the growing number of famous fathers who just can’t seem to keep it in their pants. And the “Good Wives” who often stick by them.
Print it out and give your husband the gift of permissible scandal. He’ll love it!
OK. Now who did I miss? Fathers or fathers-to-be only. Otherwise, we will be here ALL DAY.
————
If you’d like to become a member of The Mommy Shorts Fanpage (and why the hell not?), click “like” on the facebook widget on my right sidebar or click here.
What an excellent idea for Father’s Day. I was just thinking how I needed a gift and lo and behold you have the perfect thing for me to get.
Mark Sanford coupon: Skip father’s day with your 4 kids and run away to South America with your mistress not telling anyone where you are going.
You are awesome!
I have one: Douchecanoe..er, I mean celebrity father: Alec Baldwin: Good for one phone call to your child where you can call her/ him a thoughtless little pig.
This is brilliant. Tom Cruise: Good for one jump on the couch =)
Charlie Sheen is my favorite.
Here’s one… Balthazar Getty: Good for one roll in the hay with Sienna Miller.
These are great! I love the Tiger Woods one. The Tiki Barber one just pisses me off. Some men are such dirtbags!
Wow. You went old school on a few of those. I’d forgotten all about them!
Awesome! You forgot: “Hugh Grant: Good for cheating on your smokin’ hot supermodel wife with a two-bit hooker”
The Hasselhoff Special. Good for stuffing your face with a cheeseburger while obviously loaded and getting filmed by your teenage daughter.
Good one! You don’t need sex for a scandalous coupon!
Brilliant! Totally forgot about him.
OR. How bout…
The Tom Cruise Coupon: Good for paying one rent-boy to reenact your homoerotic high school wrestling fantasy.
Don’t ask me how I know this. BUT I DO.
Oh he is a shady one, isn’t he? Didn’t he have three kids and a newborn at the time or something?
I know. Billy Crudup and Mary Lousie Parker lived in my building when this went on. Which is where the infamous Claire Danes elevator incident went down. Which is why I hate her to this day. Brilliance of “My So Called Life” be damned.
I left him off because he’s not a father. OR IS HE???
Awesome. Saddest movie ever.
Sweet! Now I have a gift. That leaves something BBQed and handmade cards from the kids and the “I’m Sorry About the Handmade Cards” bj on Sunday night. Easy-peasy.
OH! Oh! I got one!
R. Kelly: Good for one foray into child pornography.
Good lord I hate Billy Cruddup. What an ass.
Wait. You mean to tell me Charlie Sheen is NOT sober?
But…but…he decided to be. And it’s the name of his ranch.
(also, I’m pretty sure Bill Clinton received more than one blow job.)
Nevertheless, THIS is the perfect Father’s Day list.
(is it wrong that I love this? it’s wrong, right?)
Damn you! I was thisclose to doing a similar post, but yours is more funny than mine would have been. Love it.
Ouch. Bad, bad daddies…
Damn. It’s freaky to see them all lined up in colored boxes like that. Makes you have to try hard to remember that most of the ones “on the ground” are good ones.
Please please please tell me you have this in sharable format. I need to print them! I MUST! All credit to you acourse. (from the craft conference)
Girl, you are brilliant! This is going to be the best Father’s Day gift EVER!
Oh no, say it ain’t so, Tiki Barber! My heart’s a little broken.
Brilliant yet again, ms
This is nothing short of awesome. I may actually have to print these out and give them to my husband. I laughed the hardest at Woody Allen – the look on his face in the photo you chose put that one over the top for me.
These are hilarious but the pictures to go with them are just THE best. Especially the one of Tiger! HA HA HA!
Wait, what Claire Danes elevator incident? Is this written somewhere on this blog? If so, where? I must hear this story.
Woman, you always crack me up when I come visit! And my goodness, you certainly didn’t disappoint. THAT was the hands down funniest Father’s Day gift post I’ve evah read! :> (And just ‘Like’d you on Facebook, ’cause I figure if I love your humor & wit, then I ought to at least like you, right?! ;> :>)
OMG. I love you now more than I did before, which is close to impossible. Saved, to be printed. He would probably rather laugh with me than have sex on fathers day anyway, because he loves his kids but does not want another. Tht is good logic, right? Right.
this is awesome. and hilarious. and awesomely hilarious.
Okay, this is awesome and I AM asking how you know this. Even though I know you’ll never tell….
My email is tellmeeverything@NOW!.com
Yes, what Abigail said!
If you won’t spill on Tom Cruis(in’ for boys) then for the love of god, tell the Claire Danes story. Because I hate her too….
My husband would be very happy with that gift. Well done.
I believe there is only one blow job on record. But I’m sure that one blow job went on for eight years.
Thanks, friend! I’m sure yours would have been funny too. It’s my willingness to make graphics that throw things over the top.
Something about power and opportunity makes men all sorts of stupid.
I’m so good at crafts, aren’t I? You could just print the page or if you click on each one, you can print them out separately.
I didn’t know about that one either until I did some research. Disappointing.
Woody Allen always gets a pass somehow. Including from me. But as far as disgusting behavior goes? His offense is right on top.
You’re sweet. And welcome to the fanpage! Hope you like it there.
THE CLAIRE DANES ELEVATOR INCIDENT
I walk into my building and get into the elevator. I notice that a woman walks into the building right after me. So I put my arm out to hold the elevator for her. I’m in the elevator so I can’t see her but she can clearly see my arm dangling out. And dangling. And dangling. Until I’m like— what the hell? Why isn’t this person getting on the elevator?
I look out and see Claire Danes standing there. “Are you going up?” I say. No response. “Are you going up?” No response. No eye contact. Nothing.
She not only wouldn’t get on the elevator with me but didn’t even do me the decency of saying so.
Pretty clear where she was going.
AWKWARD!!!
Ha ha ha! LOVE that you know this.
Awesome post and always fun to read the comments!!
so glad there is no OJ Simpson coupon!
Utterly hilarious – the Mouthy Housewives were right. Love this unconventional look at father’s day! Bravo!
Update: Bill Clinton’s coupon is now revised to more accurately reflect what most likely went down in the oval office!
These are hysterical!
Jon Gosselin: Good for one…geez, where do even begin with this douche?
Hilarious. Absolutely love this.
U crack me up! needed that ! good times…I think you got ’em all covered! (or uncovered as the case may be!) Happy Day!
Oh my goodness what a riot! So hilarious and brilliant!
I love these coupons – maybe Groupon would be interested.
So funny! I love that you worked a Schtupping into a coupon.
My husband looks just like Billy Crudup, which explains all the evil eyes we get.
Haha, I love these coupon books!
Nice post keeps on posting this type of interesting and informative articles.
I can second this… A reliable friend of a friend if you know what I mean 😉
This will be the best Father’s Day blessing EVER!
Thanks,
kamagra online http://www.menstwilight.com/kamagra.html