You know how you'll be having a perfectly lovely time at a baby or bridal shower, and then suddenly it gets to the part of the party where everybody is supposed to sit around and watch the mom-to-be/bride-to-be unwrap their gifts? And then everybody is required to oooh and aaah like it's a total blast to watch someone else open boxes containing breast pumps and underwear and cooking utensils? And then if that weren't awkward enough, someone will inevitably turn to you and say— "Can you be in charge of the ribbon hat/bow headdress?" And you're like— I'm not sure because if someone gave me a pair of scissors at this moment, I might make the eleven o'clock news? Yeah? Well, get ready to stab someone because I am about to make you sit there while I open my presents. YAY!
Reader Gift #1: THE GIFT OF RACHEL ZOE, Love JLK
JLK was last week's Caption Contest Queen which put her in charge of judging the picture of Hazy (below left) in which she was protesting PETA. Strict rules forbade JLK from entering the contest. BUT— being Queen, JLK thought to herself— I am not going to let some stupid rule forbid me from contributing! And knowing that I often do a "Separated at Birth" feature, JLK sent me the photo of Rachel Zoe below.
She even captioned it: "Hazy, the next Rachel Zoe? Per-fect-ion." I came up with another: "The similarty is BANANAS!" Anyone else care to admit that they know Rachel Zoe lingo?
You can read more from JLK on her blog Pieces of Me.
Reader Gift #2: THE GIFT OF PHOTOSHOP, Love Brian
You might remember Brian from my popular post: "How To Work A Breakfast Buffet". Brian is Mike's best friend from LA and as is typical of most people I know from Los Angeles, he has an unexplained large amount of free time. This week Brian used that time to create the awesomeness below.
This was of course done in reference to Mazzy's "Show Me Sand The Floor" video and that is actually Mazzy's profile. Brian told me he used about nine different baby pictures to create the "baby crane" in the middle. IMPRESSIVE. It's even better than the time he photoshopped Mike's head over Charlie Sheen's on the cover of the New York Post under the headline: "Coke & Hooker Rampage at the Plaza".
What do you think? Is there a business in this somewhere?
Reader Gift #3: THE GIFT OF JAM, Love Emily
Emily won last week's caption contest (she was crowned by JLK after scaring/scarring us all with her Mommy Dearest reference). Shortly after the crowning ceremony, Emily sent me the gift below. Seems she owns a homemade jam company in Atlanta called Emily G's Jam of Love. We had some this morning and it was delicious.
Just to be clear, attempting to bribe me with JAM will have no bearing on whether you are selected as the winner of a caption contest. I am not the judge and I don't want anybody thinking that there is anything fishy going on in the EXTREMELY serious selection process.
However. I will not turn away the gift of free JAM. I have a family to feed. And if my family can be part of a fancy homemade jam filled world where everyone laughs at the regular people and their Welch's usage, well I'm sorry but that's where we will reside. Anybody know where I can get some organic macadamia butter? You can buy Emily's fancy jams here.
Before I go, I want to remind you that my Valentine's Day giveaway ends on— wait for it— Valentine's Day. SO if you haven't already entered, click here to win a beautiful necklace from One Life Jewelry.
AND— just so you know, if you don't have photoshop skills or know Rachel Zoe lingo or own your own jam company, you can make me just as happy by giving me:
THE GIFT OF JOINING MY FACEBOOK FANPAGE.
So there you have it. I hope that wasn't too painful for anybody. Now who made me my ribbon hat?
Have a good weekend!
Mommy Shorts
Well I feel pretty uncool/southern because I LOVE to watch people open presents. It’s the best part of the shower… And, oh lord, I made the best bow-bouquet for my cousins wedding rehearsal. Please tell me you have at least heard of the wedding rehearsal bow-bouquet?!
Since I am fully confessing, I’m actually planning a baby shower for a friend, and we have been stressing over the location so that we would have enough space to let everyone watch the present opening…
Perhaps I’ll leave out the bow hat.
Baby-crane is awesome. Thanks for the presents.
PS. I bet you have never taken part in a wedding gift display, have you?
That leopard cape is on another level. It’s just…beyond.
You can always say no when people ask you to do things like make some ribbon thingy. Then you can be like me, without any friends, or invitations to anything!
(I continue to love your writing.)
Ha! I love it!
You know what I think is worse than watching someone open 5 million lame gifts? Being the one to open said 5 million lame gifts when 85% of them are from people you have Never. Met. Inyourlife.
That was MY baby shower after my mom hijacked the guest list.
Nothing says gratitude like stage-whispering “Who are Bob & Joan/Mike & Kathy/Steve & Alice?” to your mother every time you open a damn card so she can point you toward the people you’re supposed to be thanking.
AWKward.
P.S.: LMAO @ New Mom on the Blog above!
JLK, when I see my beloved little angel being compared to the incomparably vomitous Rachel Zoe, I die. And not in a good way. But I’ll forgive you, because the jackets are quite similar.
JLK–I KNOW! I love opening gifts, but I hate when it’s that high-pressure spectacle of opening them in front of others. I usually paste on a huge fake smile and repeat “Wow!” and “I always wanted one of these!” and other meaningless phrases over and over so as not to appear ungrateful. At the end my face feels like it’s going to crack. I watched a video of me opening my wedding gifts in front of a bunch of brand-new family, and I looked deranged.
That Karate Baby poster is hysterical!
Awesome gifts. Off to meet these cool new people, and also to go for the necklace.
You’re always having so much fun here.
I will not be jealous. I will not be jealous.
I can’t be, anyway, you’re way too nice.
Oh no! I *heart* Rachel Zoe! I love the fact that she is actually incredibly intelligent but talks like a valley girl, saying things such as “Oh my god. That is just so incredibly ethereal. I could like, die.” How many people do you know would use “ethereal” in a sentence like that, and have it be in the correct context? LOL
I love that about her because my husband has worn off on me and now I have the unfortunate habit of pronouncing “for” as “fur” regardless of the level of intelligent conversation I am engaging in. In much the same way, I suspect Rachel Zoe is merely a victim of living in LA.
So that was a really roundabout way of saying it was not meant to be a negative comparison!
So. All it takes is a little jam, huh? And here I was going to buy you a drink. [scratching that off list]
Am I the only blogger alive not to have a Facebook fan page? (I can answer that.) Would it help if I blogged more than once every three weeks? (Crap. I can answer that one, too.)
Well maybe I have to give this Rachel Zoe character a chance then! I was just teasing anyway, no offense taken.
I know nothing of the wedding rehearsal bow-bouquet. On a related note— you got gifts at your wedding rehearsal? Clearly I am doing this all wrong. And please tell me what a wedding gift display is. With pictures preferably.
Truthfully, I don’t mind putting together the ribbon hat. It gives me a way to combat the boredom of oohing and aahing over the presents.
Half of my thinks it is horrid. And the other half of me wants one.
HA! I will make that a personal goal of mine. I call it— Life Amelia Style.
I did everything I could to avoid opening gifts at my bridal shower. But then my mom gave me this look that said— my friends traveled all the way into the city to watch you open their DAMN GIFTS. And I was like uhhh…ok. And then I spent the next hour nervously reading cards as I simultaneously forgot the names of even my closest friends. Read card. Anxiously scan room for familiar face. Open gift. Act overly enthusiastic about a measuring bowl that was on your registry. And repeat.
AWKWARD!
Hazy is obviously significantly less raisin-faced than Miss Zoe. But they both know how to dress!
I am horrible in front of people in any capacity, even in gift opening situations. I forget people’s names, I cannot connect names with faces, I have a false level of enthusiasm— I might as well be giving a presentation at work.
Fun is completely self-created. And thank you for making me feel like it exists somewhere else besides my head.
On the plus side, blogging once every three weeks makes it very easy for me to be a loyal fan.
(please bring the drink back)
Okay, you didn’t ask, but my sister found a really cool way to take the pressure off me during gift-opening time at my wedding shower. We live in the Midwest, where you have to play stupid games at showers. Is this just a Midwest thing or do cool East-Coasters subject themselves to it, also? Anyway: Bridal Shower Present Bingo. Give all of the guests a blank bingo card, and five or ten minutes to fill it out with items they think will be among the gifts. Their own gift goes in the middle as the “free” space. Then, as the bride/mother-to-be opens gifts, the guests are busy looking at their card to see if they remembered to put “rice cooker” or “snot bulb” on their card.
I don’t know what most people do but I have only been to one shower where there were games involved and it was in New Jersey. I’m not saying that means anything— it’s just a fact. If this means that my friends are “cool East-Coasters”, we’ll take it!
On the other hand, I love the idea of Bridal Shower Present Bingo. Less pressure for the bride/mom-to-be, less boring for the guests. It’s as they say in the (insert your occupational field) biz— a WIN-WIN.
Emily is a good friend of mine and I can’t say enough great things about her or her delicious jams. She is one of the most dedicated hard working people I know, and she has made a growing business out of something she is passionate about!
Can I just say that you should have totally given The Karate Baby it’s own post. That thing is AWESOME. Whoever made it is a GENIUS.
Wow. You have readers who create awesomeness and submit it to you? That is.so.cool!
Now I really wish I’d gotten some homemade jam at my baby shower.
It’s the dream, isn’t it? If only this blog made me money, then I could say the same!
Very happy to be aware of both Emily and her delicious jams:)
It’s not like an every day thing. (Although how cool would that be?) And Brian happens to be a real-life friend. But it was the blog that inspired The Karate Baby, that’s for sure.
It would have made a total mess of the ribbon hat though.
Omg karate kid poster is hilarious!