Dedicated to Brian*
This post was prompted by The Red Writing Hood. The assignment was to write a post entirely in dialogue. And since I am currently on a tropical island vacation, my original thought was to write a fictional phone conversation between myself and my one-year-old daughter. It would have gone something like this:
Mazzy: Hello, Mom?
Silence.
Mazzy: Mom??
Silence.
Mazzy: MOM!!!!
Me: Oh, sorry sweetie. I couldn't hear you over the sound of the ice clinking in my complimentary rum punch cocktail…
But then my husband and I had breakfast at the hotel this morning and it occurred to me that our NON-fictional conversation while perusing the hotel breakfast buffet would be more of a window into our actual life…
Mike: Alright, I just ordered my omlette. What are you doing?
Me: Getting french toast.
Mike: Rookie mistake.
Me: Why?
Mike: The first thing you hit up at a breakfast buffet is always the omlette station. You have to get them started on your eggs before a line forms. Then you can use your waiting time to check out the rest of the buffet.
Me: What if I don't want an omlette?
Mike: You do. You'll figure that out as soon as you taste your french toast.
Me: But I LOVE french toast.
Mike: You love MADE-TO-ORDER french toast. This is french toast served from a chafing dish. It's gonna be soggy and cold.
I touch the limp piece of french toast on my plate. It is indeed soggy and cold.
Me: *sigh*
Mike: If you get an omelette first, you can eat it while you keep one eye on the kitchen to see if anyone brings out a fresh tray. Swoop in then.
Me: But by that point, I'll be too full from my omlette to want french toast.
Mike: Normal rules of fullness do not apply at a hotel breakfast buffet.
Me: Whatever. Hmmmm…. do I want toast or a croissant?
Mike: If you want toast, you better stick that bread in NOW. Those toasters move SLOW.
Me: Maybe I want a muffin. Or some sort of pastry…
Mike: Pastries and muffins should be treated like dessert. Eat them after you've finished your meal. They are not going anywhere.
Me: What about yogurt and granola?
Mike: Save that for five days from now when you are completely sick of all breakfast buffet options and want something borderline healthy.
Me: Alright. I'm gonna get us a bowl of fruit to share while I make a decision.
Mike: Already done.
I look over at the table. There is indeed a bowl of fruit already there.
Me: Who put that there?
Mike: I did.
Me: When?
Mike: I know what I'm doing.
Me: Wow. That is impressive.
Mike: My omlette's ready. See you at the table.
I look at Mike's plate- beautifully fluffy omlette, side of home fries and bacon, perfectly toasted piece of whole wheat. Dollop of butter, dollop of ketchup. I look at my plate with my one soggy piece of french toast.
Me: Ok, but I might be awhile. The omlette line is pretty long.
Mike: You should write a post about this. Call it "How to Work a Breakfast Buffet".
Me: Babe— you already wrote it.
Mike: Can you dedicate it to Brian?
Me: Fine.
* Brian is Mike's best friend from California, self-proclaimed breakfast expert and co-master of the all-you-can-eat buffet.
i hate buffets but can recognize the Bear Grylls of buffets when I read him. Well done, Mike.
Crying tears of laughter on this, since this is identical to 8000 buffet strategy conversations we have had. Mike calls cheap carbs like french toast “filler.”
Ha! So great! I can see there is indeed a certain technique to working the breakfast buffet. Noted and filed away for future use. Stopping by from The Red Dress Club.
I. Am. Dying.
This is so awesome.
There’s nothing better than giggling in the morning.
My favorite line is this one: “Normal rules of fullness do not apply at a hotel breakfast buffet.”
Your husband is a genius! 🙂
Seriously, great job.
I think I may need to print this out as a reference! Your hubs cracks me up! But really? Pasteries and muffins are dessert? I have been doing that all wrong!
This is the Michael Wiles I remember. I can actually see and hear him in this conversation. I would be surprised if at this point in his life, he did not know how to work a breakfast buffet! Clearly a man who has traveled….
I seriously stopped reading this as a writing prompt and began to read it as a how-to piece.
I want to hear how this all breaks down when your alarm clock goes off at 10.56 and the buffet closes at 11.00.
It works on two levels! It’s a multi-tasking piece.
I definitely think there is another level to this if you actually KNOW Mr. Wiles.
I think should be posted at every buffet.
Then again, everyone would totally haul ass over to the omelets. Or the Belgian waffles.
Haha, Mike is one know-it-all meal companion…but he’s right! I will have to take his advice into account when we go on our honeymoon this summer.
So true. I hate buffets now that I don’t eat eggs because everything else truly sucks. Excellentbanter and the perfect post!
That was awesome. So funny and true. I loved when he said “I know what I’m doing.” Obviously this is true. This was great. I really enjoyed it!
Once again, your comment requires me to google something. So I’m guessing this means that Mike is the “handsome man” of buffets?
The Mikes are friends for a reason. Clearly.
If you’d like to know strategies for packing, quick security check-thrus and how to take advantage of your airline miles, you should consult my husband on that as well.
When’s that post coming?!! ????
That’s my favorite as well. It applies to more than just breakfast buffets too. We go with “Normal Fullness Rules Do Not Apply” for pretty much the entire vacation:)
I’m more of a “eat dessert first so you make sure there’s room” kind of person anyway so it all means the same thing to me!
If there was a waffle station at the buffet, there would be NO QUESTION where I was heading first.
Know-it-all applies to way more than meals unfortunately. Although he is often right so if I’m in the right mood, it can work to my advantage:)
A good chocolate croissant never hurt anybody…
“I know what I’m doing” is a sentence that he uses quite often. It is my husband TO THE CORE.
Having occasionally pinch hit at the hotel breakfast omelet station when I was a pastry chef, I can say that Mike, and Brian, are spot on.
And awesome.
Well done.
This is HILARIOUS! I think the rest and relaxation is really working its wonders on your creative juices. That’s why it’s great to go on vacation with your husband without your kids. You can have nonsense, lengthy conversations about nothing and remember all of the sudden why you love each other. It’s actually quite romantic. Hope you’re having a fabulous time and can’t believe your blogging your way through it!!!
My hubs like those buffets too, but he has never shared an eating strategy with me!! THis is too cute. So funny too!
That dialogue made me laugh out loud throughout. – Being the “Brian” that this story was dedicated to, I can TRULY say that I’m honored. In fact, I honestly think I’m more honored by having this dedicated to me than being Mike’s best man. It is evident that Mike clearly understands how to navigate his way around a buffet. Breakfast buffet logistics are very tangible, important and tricky. So Ilana, remember – normal rules of fullness do not apply at a hotel breakfast buffet… and definitely hold off a few more days on the yogurt and granola. Sound advice Mr. Wiles… sound advice.
I love this! And I took notes, I’m no good at buffets.
this is hilarious!
Mike would NEVER let that happen.
I’m not introducing you to my husband. He may want to marry you.
I think the main difference is that I’ve a got a subject matter besides the baby to work with. It’s funny though because I was planning on just posting stuff that I had saved for a rainy day (or vacation) but seems like I just can’t stop myself from writing…
My husband and I went through this exact conversation on vacation. It amazes me that whether you are in Hawaii, Mexico, Dominican Republic, Florida, or Old Country Buffet, the rules are all the same and somehow the guys know all this crap.
I know…it’s like blogging has suddenly transformed into a job that you actually love and can imagine becoming a workaholic at…strange. but great.
We only have one breakfast buffet in my town. Here, there is no omlette station, but they make this killer scrambled eggs and these amazing hash browns, both with ham, green onions, and tomatoes. But, like the omlette’s, you have to move quick!
And, yeah, the French toast? Notsomuch.
I love this! Hilarious. Hope you have a fabulous trip. Just stopping in from SITS to say hello.
Stopping by from SITS…couldn’t resist your title. I love breakfast more than anything. Your husband is indeed the Buffet Mystic.
Sometimes I wish my husband would stop sharing his assorted life strategies with me. They could fill up a blog of their own.
More honored by my dedication than by being Mike’s best man? Watch yourself, Brian. This could get ugly.
They are an odd bunch, those boys. Your husband and my husband should get together and discuss packing strategies. I’m sure they could hold a five day summit on the topic.
It’s sad that the restaurant/hotel powers that be can’t figure out buffet french toast. I hope it is on their agenda for 2011.
HA! I am going to make him a t-shirt with his new title.
Wow, Mike is truly a breakfast buffet mad genius. However clearly his genius is equally met with your brilliant ability to turn a conversation about a wilted piece of french toast into an extremely entertaining piece of dialogue. On vacation no less. This likely means that Mazzy has acquired the simultaneous genius of both of you, enabling her to navigate breakfast buffets and witty repartee the world over.
With those two skills she will be the talk of the town, I am sure. Or the toast of the town? Which is better? In any case, get on her good side, she will rule the world someday.
Breakfast Buffet is a must-read for anyone who likes food, which should be everyone. Unless you’re a jerk, then why are you reading Mommy Shorts?
[…] Mazzy and Harlow loved the breakfast buffet obviously (as many bread products as they could eat!) and Mike had fun teaching them his famous breakfast buffet strategy. […]
Yep, I hate breakfast buffets, want to rephrase that – all buffets. It must be because I’m rookie. Next time I’ll try Mike’s strategy. He kind of made me want an omelette and I HATE eggs. Thanks for a good laugh! ????
Genius
my husband has a strategy for brazilian steak houses. we have been to 2 in our whole life together….but he has a master plan…that involves skipping the salad bar.
i will use your husband’s strategy at our next breakfast buffet.
Omg I’m laughing so hard! This would totally be somethings my dad would say! And so right!!!!
I think I just met my buffet twin!
This is too funny! I am exactly like Mike!
This was hilarious to read, and gave me good tips for next time I’m at the breakfast buffet. If you’re ever desperate for new post ideas you should share more of Mikes tips for how to do things properly. Or other funny interactions between the two of you–you guys crack me up!
???????????? for Mike!!!
Nice strategy Mike! I always hit up the omelette station first. And it’s true, fullness rules do not count at a breakfast buffet.
This is the best strategy! I would love to know if he has done the Bellagio brunch buffet-that thing is mammoth! Maybe he should be a travel blogger and be sent to various buffets at luxury hotels around the world ????