After Dr. B's anti-TV post, I feel the need to counterbalance with a pro-TV post. Not because I am advocating sticking your child in front of a television (although I have done it before and I will do it again) but because TV is a life-long friend of mine and I will defend my friends to the death. Years of spending quality time with TV has taught me invaluable things that I would not have learned otherwise. Like that robot children can go undetected at school. Or that one should never go into the back room of a bike shop. And no marital difference is too large that it can't be solved by going on a cruise.
Television has just gotten more educational as the years have passed. Now we have reality TV which teaches us, what else? REAL LIFE LESSONS.
REAL LIFE LESSONS that I am happy to pass on to my child:
The Jersey Shore— Dream big. Even with no talent, questionable morals and a horrible accent, it is still possible to skyrocket to superstardom.
Top Chef— Be decisive. The cheftestant whose dish consists of three different variations on a theme always loses.
The Bachelorette— Sometimes you need to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the guy that is going to break up with you on the cover of US Weekly two months later.
Housewives of New Jersey— Don't pull out another
woman's hair extensions. That bitch is crazy. But now
you are too.
The City— NYC will chew you up and spit you out
like a Chicklet that's been sitting at the bottom of
Anna Wintour's purse since 1983. But if Kelly
Cutrone likes you because a network is paying her
to, you will be just fine.
The Montell Williams Show— Question everything. Including the real identity of your father.
Dancing With The Stars— Everyone deserves a second chance. Except Melanie Griffith.
Wipe Out— People will laugh at you if you fall on your face. Ignore them, get up and try it again. And again. And again. And— HAHAHAHAHA you look ridiculous.
Project Runway— Don't overdo it with the self-tanner. You may think you look fabulous but you look like Michael Kors.
Flavor of Love— There is somebody out there for everybody.
Extreme Home Makeover— Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for life. Build a man a house with a massive arcade room and a fully functioning carousel and the cost of the additional electricity will cause him to foreclose within the next year or two.
The Real World— Youth is wasted on the youth. Or youth is
just wasted. One or the other.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians— Even men can make
horrible plastic surgery decisions.
So You Think You Can Dance— You can't dance. Sorry. You
are the product of myself and your father. I have rhythm but
no moves and your dad's got moves but no rhythm.
Survivor— Trust no one. Even Jeff Probst. He's a shady one.
America's Next Top Model— Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Smize and who gives a crap about the rest of the world because you just landed yourself a lucrative contract with Cover Girl!
I love this post so much I want to give it the final rose, a Cover Girl contract, and have Padma Lakshmi smile condescendingly at it. Yay for TV!
That is a very cute idea for a post.:) Well done.
So funny! This is gonna get an RT from me. Love it!
@take2mommy
More!
The Apprenctice: Being fired can humble the most arrogant of us all.
The Biggest Loser: Obesity is never the result of over-eating. There are deeper reasons for why one chooses to eat a McFlurry 3 times a day.
The Hills: The most beautiful people you know are also the most fake.
The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: 15 minutes of fame is not necessarily all you get.
Millionaire Matchmaker: Millioanires are awful people.
American Idol: With the right kind of accent, not even wildly overexposed chest hair can prevent you from becoming a multimillionaire.
Correction: “and have Padma Lakshmi smile condescendingly at it before she drinks herself into a slurring stupor”.
And if you have no accent and questionable highlights, a complete lack of chest hair can’t prevent you from becoming a multimillionaire either.
The Biggest Loser: You can’t lose weight until Jillian Michaels BREAKS YOU.
Love the Millionaire Matchmaker lesson— dead on.
This picture is awesome…
More TV Posts! More TV Posts! (Can I start a petition?)
I LOVED this! I’m all about the sarcasm and it seems you are too! I’ve watched about five second of Jersey Shore and they are all a bunch of talentless hacks. I think I lost 50 IQ points.
I am cracking up. See I knew reality tv was all sorts of educational. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go fake and bake till my skin turns orange like Snookie’s
How funny. I never knew that I had made such great educational choices with the programs that I watched lol
Stopping by from TRDC
I love that pic!! And jersey shore! I’m a disgrace.
Also?
I hate the word smize and Tyra. That girl has an opinion on everything!!
She’s been fat, thin, a geek, popular, a lesbian, straight, up, down, drunk, bald, and engaged. Hush your mouth Tyra!
Oh this was too, too funny!
Love the lessons learned. 🙂
Love love love.
I may be a bit of a reality television junkie. I have the Flavor of Love box sets. FOR SHAME!
I love how you made So You Think You Can Dance personal. I only admit to watching Top Chef, SYTYCD, and Project Runway….
oh sweetie- you and me? Reality TV soul sistas. I won;t even share how many hours I have spent watching RTV (Didn’t you know? Totally a new acronym). Now of course only to be replaced by hours on social media. Potatoes, po-tah-tos, right?! Fun post!
I am glad you didn’t really find something from teen mom…haha!
Great post, I am a great lover of reality TV.
Smizing is my Life’s Calling.
Came by from TRDC…
Then you should be safely positioned to fail 5th grade math with the rest of America.
Snooki is spelled with no “e” at the end. I mean, COME ON! The least you could do is spell your unfortunate pop culture icons names’ correctly.
ANTM is borderline disturbing. Especially those bizarre Tyra “acting” sequences. It’s hard to make me feel embarrassed for a beautiful bajillionaire.
That is taking reality television a step too far, Danielle. I suggest you contact A&E for an “Intervention”.
Those are my top 3 as well! Well, Project Runway pre-Lifetime change. It’s just not the same.
RTV. Committing it to memory. Want to write something clever like— will use again ASAP— but that would be totally lame, right?
Teen Mom: If your child gets famous, I mean pregnant, she can still be the envy of all her peers!
Does that mean you’re good at smizing? Because. if so, I am very jealous. I fail at smizing big time.
Agreed. I think I missed the last season of Project Runway. Was there a last season? Without the promos shown during Top Chef I don’t even know when it’s on…
That picture is sooo ghetto fabulous, I seriously wanna blow it up and hang it on my wall to remind me where my fam is headed if I don’t shake the RTV habit soon. But seriously, don’t we really watch to feel better about ourselves? No? Just me? I’m ok with that.
And for the record, my idea of “The Deadliest Catch” is leaving the club with Snooki.
Love the post, girlfriend. Simply hilarious!
Except for the Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’m convince that exists solely to make the rest of us feel POOR.
I am in stitches!! Everybody deserves a second chance. New Hollywood Mantra.
I laughed so many times reading this list! I’m not so crazy about reality tv (well, most of it) but it definitely has some important lessons to teach.
I watch a lot of the crime ones RTVs (love that). I think my children, if they watched, might become hermits because there’s so much scary in the world.
Hilarious! So you CAN learn alot from reality shows! Saying Hi from Monday Listicles.
Your list literally made me shudder, and now I have the feeling that there is no hope of a wonderful, fulfilling life for our children.
But then again, at least I’m better than all those freaks on reality shows, and if my kids turn out half as good as I think they will, they will RULE those SOB’s!!
I NOW DESPISE THE WORD SMIZE!!! That was probably the most f-ing annoying video, I literally had to stop it because I caught myself giving it angry smize…omg