We’ve gone out to my dad’s house in the Hamptons a few times since the baby was born but this past weekend was the first time since she started crawling. I’ve taken steps to baby proof our apartment ever since Mazzy first went mobile, but I totally forgot that this pertains to places we visit as well.
We got to the Hamptons late Friday night so Mazzy went straight to bed. As per usual, she woke up at 4am and I couldn’t get her to go back to sleep. So I decided to take her into the living room to play. As I looked around for a nice little spot to lay out some of Mazzy’s toys, I was confronted with the hard reality of the situation: WE WERE SPENDING THE WEEKEND INSIDE A HOUSE OF BABY HORRORS WAITING TO DESCEND UPON OUR CHILD.
Let’s start with the most obvious. The coffee table. A large natural slab of wood complete with horrifically pointy edges and a splinter inducing finish. Not to mention that it’s sitting on top of a rug that might as well be a large piece of sand paper.
Next let’s move on to the antique rocking chair. It involves numerous exposed metal screws, springs, and knobs. Notice how a little hand can easily be placed between the base and the part that rocks back. I call it “The Finger Guillotine”.
Then there’s the labyrinth of wrought iron underneath the dining room table.
Now here’s where it gets really ugly. First we have the dragon. Yes, the dragon. It’s about the size of a small car and weighs twice as much.
Check out his razor sharp pointy wooden teeth that are about four inches long.
But that’s nothing compared to the 20lb. iron sculpture sitting on top of a tall slim shaky pedestal.
Or what about the pointy-eared metal cat with fangs keeping watch over the exposed fireplace? Yes, that’s an electric lighter sitting on the floor.
There’s also the rickety bar cart on wheels and the fact that the floor vents are large enough to fit the entire baby’s head.
And the pièce de résistance. Not only perhaps the most unchild-friendly-like object I have ever seen in my life but also the most abhorrent item to ever make its way into any house EVER. I call it “The Phantom of the Opera Projectile Vomited”.
There are also a whole host of knick knacks that while not physically dangerous, are the kinds of things that will find a permanent space in a small child’s brain and live in their worst nightmares for years to come.
Things like this abnormally large bunny.
And this for which I have no words.
Is it even worth pointing out that there is no fence around the pool?
that was an awesome post that was great from beginnnig to end and that included beginning with the laugh out loud picture of Jerry on babywatch. well done.
There is a unique invention which can circumvent some of these accidents waiting to happen – it’s called the play pen. In the old days, it was the safety net of choice.
I am so enjoying your new mommy rants…its so funny how much we don’t “get” about parenthood until we’re parents (like how I made my sister travel from NC to Boston to Cape Cod for our wedding because I just had to have my 2 yr old and 5 yr old niece and nephew in the wedding party…then I got angry when the poor babies fell asleep at 9 pm during the rehearsal dinner!!). Just wait, if you think baby proofing is fun, wait until Mazzy starts asking about her “parts!!”
Craig- Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Also- it wouldn’t be funny if it wasn’t true.
Mom- we tried putting her in the pack n’ play with a bunch of toys but she was not having it.
Diane- I used to get annoyed at my friend because her daughter’s nap schedule meant she had to be so strict with the little windows of time we could hang out and now I totally get it. And I am so not prepared for the “parts” discussion.
This is so funny, I’m crying! First off, you should pipe in the music from Psycho, as that’s what’s running through my head as I read it. Second, I must comment on the photo of your dad snoozing while Mazzy is about to pull the entire entertainment unit down on herself. We just had our first vacation in the Hamptons with our baby (9 months old) and had similar “OMG this house is booby-trapped” moments too.
Lauren- When I walked in on that scenario with my dad sleeping and Mazzy practically begging the TV to fall on her head, a normal parent probably would have rushed to save her. I, of course, couldn’t pass up the photo opportunity.
LOL super funny! Especially that “thing.” Eww so creepy.
I remember those days well. So very annoying when you have to be on baby duty 24/7 when visiting someone’s home. Very cute pictures and although your dad’s house has some totally cool things in it….it is parental nightmare for those who have kids under 4. Guess your visits to the Hamptons will be limited for a few years.
Remind me to send you a photo of my parents’ Brady Bunch-esque floating staircase, complete with iron ballusters juuuust wide enough for a baby to wedge its little head right in. A super-great place to be with toddler twins. So glad you became a Bloggy Funny Mama!
Send it! I can have a “Beat This Baby Hazard” competition!
I really laughed out loud at your pictures!!! Haaaa!! The dragon and that dang bunny were my favorites. I actually kind of like that object with the music notes coming out of it. I bet I could could have some great conversations with your parents. They seem very interesting! Loved this post. 🙂 I am following you now!
Thanks for stopping by and for the follow. Maybe the picture doesn’t do the music thing justice. It is HIDEOUS. Trust.
Totally. More stress and than it’s worth. Not to mention the energy it takes to constantly chase her around and pull her off of things.
People make some very odd purchase decisions. What’s funny is that I never noticed half the weird stuff in there until that weekend with the baby.
What a great rant!! I love your investigative journalism, pointing out the potential dangers everywhere… with awesome pictures! The Finger Guillotine is my favorite.
Great post! It is a baby death trap!! Scary! The dragon is super scary and so is that statue sitting on that tiny table!
This was hilarious!
Very unusual things lol!
Loved this! I especially liked the Phantom of the Opera Projectile Vomit sculpture!
While my ILs house isn’t nearly as bad as that, it is most certainly not baby-proofed, and yet every time I see her she asks when my two year old can spend the night. Um, when you don’t have bleach under your sink.
Hope it was a good time nevertheless!
Just read this – although very scarifying, your photos were brilliant: a picture does tell 1000 words, and in this case, baby deathtrap for sure! What a great post. (-:
Oh my gosh. DO I remember those days.
I, at the time, had a 2 and 3 yr old.
Went out to the inlaws in LaJolla, fell asleep on the sofa, woke up to the grandparents having an OPEN PIT FIRE right in their in the round fireplace NO SCREEN.
I sent a large glass object to my mom’s and totally forgot until we were there with a mobile child. 😉
This reminds me of our first trip with my son. I took the advice of a parenting article and went around with him as he touched every no-no item (pretty much everything in the beach condo) and said “not for baby” as I shook my head.
You can imagine how well that worked.
To avoid hazards to my babies, I found the safest place for them was in a play pen where they could play,crawl, stand and walk freely of danger. When I put my babies on the floor to play I stayed with them watching every move they made, I taught them the word “No” when they wanted to touch or go near anything that might cause them potential danger or was fragile. I never removed items from anywhere in my home, or used the modern method of “baby proofing my home”. I have 4 grown children ranging in age from 26 – 36 years old, none of them were ever injured or hurt due to accidents in the home. I am a grandmother now and have never moved anything out of my grandchildren’s path, I simply watch them closely and teach them NO. Removing items from the home to let a baby freely roam does not teach them safety at all.
Oh my…this is even more scarier especially since I just watch final destination 5 the other evening. I’d call the last one “Chocolate Dipped Old Man Sperm”, that one’s definitely gonna haunt me for awhile..almost wish I didn’t click over =(
Ok first of all that is a complete nightmare obviously but my favorite part of this entire post is the comment made by Adela that is word for word what my mother would say to me when I would go to her beach house that is not quite as dangerous as ur dad’s ….but close
Oh man, this makes me want to document our visit to our parents homes and cabin, two of which are very unfinished!
We haven’t been to the in laws yet with our new baby, but last time they were here we had the same situation as the top pic. I had gone onto my bedroom to breastfeed (so grandpa wasn’t uncomfortable) and left the two year old with both grandparents. When I came out they were napping and he and our two dogs were sharing a snack of Beggin Strips. Really?!? I have both of them 24/7 and one grandparent can’t watch one kid for 30 mins?
Let me guess, your parents were innocently asking you, “Why so tense? Relax!”
My Mom tells me I hover over my child too much while at her house. I say, “Well if you didn’t have irreplaceable glass sculptures about, I wouldn’t be a helicopter!” LOL
Oh yeh, I can relate. I remember the time we went to visit the inlaws when my oldest was a toddler, and discovered they had decided to start remodeling a day before we came. Gaping toddler sized whole in the living room floor, with nothing protective around it, exposed insulation in the walls, and other “treasures” for my daughter to discover.
When inspecting my parents’ house after arriving with my toddler, I found, in an unlocked lower cabinet, a lidless economy size bottle of Advil. No lid. But on the upside, at least my dad locked up his (large) gun collection.