Earlier this month, I took a train to Rhode Island with Emily and Pam, two of my closest friends, to visit our friend Jessica. The four of us have been friends for the last twenty years. We’ve been through the craziness of college together, finding post college jobs, being single in the city, coupling off, and eventually all settling down in some way or another, with three out of four of us having kids.
There’s been a few major life transitions that have happened recently and this trip was a much needed time to breathe, relax and just hang out with one another. Most importantly, the trip was kid and husband free, which is a VERY rare occurrence.
When we were planning the weekend, we decided on a fancy dinner for Friday night, a spa day on Saturday and staying in on Saturday night. Our night in ended up being everyone’s favorite. I arranged for Red Baron Pizza to send us a bunch of pies, a few bottles of wine and an assortment of “mom patches” for a #Wingmama party. Have you seen Red Baron’s Wingmama ad yet? It features Kristen Hensley from I Mom So Hard and it’s hilarious.
I was introduced to Red Baron a few months ago when I was invited to a #Wingmama party in New York. I nibbled on their brick oven pepperoni pizza (which I never would have guessed was frozen pizza if the boxes weren’t out), tried on leather bomber jackets with patches like “Tantrum Slayer” and “Napkin Ninja” and traded parenting war stories with about a dozen moms in the penthouse of the Greenwich Hotel.
Our party in Rhode Island was decidedly more low key.
I spread out the patches and we all laughed at the “Where’s my Phone” patch the hardest. I say that about 1,000 times a day. Emily picked up the “Me Time” patch which seemed highly appropriate.
At that point, Pam, who had spent a good part of our trip fielding phone calls from her husband, came back into the room and told us that apparently, a neighbor kid had a huge diaper blow out in their daughter’s room. Then when her husband was trying to clean it up, someone else dropped a snow globe and it broke into a billion pieces. It was everywhere. Not just glass but some sort of iridescent glitter goo.
“So, let me get this straight. While we are eating pizza and drinking wine in Rhode Island, your husband is back in New York trying to clean up a mess that contains poop, glass, glitter and goo?”
“Yep.”
“And he needs to call you to figure out what to do?”
“Yep.”
“Maybe you should give him the ‘Deal with It’ patch.”
Pam said that she told him to turn on a movie for the kids so that he could clean up without them disturbing him and he hadn’t even thought of that yet. Men.
Emily and I then lamented about how we are SO GLAD we no longer have to deal with diapers and blowouts.
Jessica chimed in, “You know who still has to deal with diapers? ME.”
“YOU? What do you mean????”
Jessica does not have kids. She has cats.
She told us about her cat getting sick and all the ridiculous things the vet instructed her to do, that ranged from diapers to pajamas.
“Your cat literally wears pajamas?”
“I MOM THE #$@&% OUT OF THOSE CATS.”
Normally, I make fun of people who compare having pets to having kids but Jessica’s cat tales seemed pretty legit. I gave her the “Mom Hard” patch.
Then I told everyone that although I’d graduated from diapers, I had moved onto more complicated parenting problems like LYING.
I told them about a recent incident that had happened with Mazzy. We were lying in her bed talking and I asked if she had any stories to tell me about school. She said she did not but I insisted that she must have something to tell me.
“Oh! Here’s something cool. We dissected a frog in science today!”
“Really? Wow!”
“Have you ever dissected a frog, Mom?”
“I did, but I don’t think we did it until the 5th grade.” I then asked her tons of questions, all of which she answered and we had a very in depth conversation about her frog dissection experience. It was way more details than I normally get from her and I was pretty stoked that something-science related had left such an impression. I thought Mazzy’s story was so interesting, I told Mike the following day. “Really? Wow!” He was impressed too.
A few days later, we had Mazzy’s parent teacher conferences and I was planning on bringing up her frog dissecting excitement with her teacher. Then this conversation happened on the way to school:
“Mom. I have something to tell you.”
“What?”
“I didn’t really dissect a frog.”
WHAT NOW???? “So… why did you tell me that?”
“Because you wanted me to tell you something about school and I thought that would get you to stop asking.”
Pam asked if there was a “Super Gullible” patch. Emily wondered about a “Pants on Fire” patch. We decided “Zip it” was most appropriate.
“I’ve got one!” Emily volunteered.
She told us about the time she got a call home from school about her son getting in a fight with another boy. She called the other boy’s mom to commiserate and the mom said that she didn’t get the same call. Emily tried to explain what happened but the mom insisted that it was not her kid. Emily said that she had heard the story firsthand from the school and thought the mom was in denial. Later that day? She found out two boys at the school had the exact same name, first and last.
Oops. We gave her the “Running on Fumes” patch.
After a few more war stories were shared, Jessica made the request of the night. “Okay. Can we talk about something other than kids now?”
Could we???? We promised to try.
Then we drank more glasses of wine, inhaled a few more slices of the four cheese pizza and chatted about everything but kids (jobs, college memories, future plans) until we were a little drunk, very full and ready to go to sleep.
Then we awarded ourselves the “Nailed It” patch.
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Share your favorite parenting war story and what patch you think it should earn below!
This post is sponsored by Red Baron but these parenting war stories are all our own. Check out the video below from What’s Up Moms— they threw a Wingmama party too!
OH Lordy, we need the no sass patch. My seven year old son has clearly inherited my gift for gab and that includes the smart remarks. He had to have the last word for everything and nothing is ever his fault. Are kids just born feeling entitled now? My oldest sure was! I tell everyone that if we go missing, it was the kids who did us in.
I need the zip it patch…. while at a park playdate, I was taking a friend’s (chunky) baby out of his carseat while she watched the big kids on the slide. I was chatting with him, like one does, and said “Good morning, you big handsome piece of man meat!” And, then looked up as a much-older gentleman walked by and said, “Good morning to you too!” I couldn’t decide whether to be embarrassed or laugh hysterically…. we still laugh about it 2 years later!
I hope there’s an “I GOT THIS” badge! I took my newborn to Babies R Us (Do all newborns visit Babies R Us ? I think so.) And she did a monster poop that was seeping up her back. I rush to the changing room. Undo her buttons and diaper. And she poops AGAIN. I panic not wanting the poo to go on the changing table or the cover or on me, so I did what any new mom would do- I caught it in my hands.
I would proudly wear the “Nailed It” pouch after dealing with the 4 month sleep regression. L slept great up until the night before she turned 4 months, then everything went to hell in a handbasket with sleeping and naps!
Well, I followed through with sleep training and it was TOUGH on my mama heart to hear my baby crying. But, with the support of my husband and pediatrician I NAILED IT and we’re back to (almost) sleeping through the night and long naps during the day!
For the “No Sass” patch – when my 4 1/2 year old daughter lost her first tooth, I went all out with a 5 dollar bill under her pillow, a personalized note and custom drawing from the tooth fairy. So she wakes up the next morning with her discovery and asks to write the tooth fairy a letter. She wrote “Dear Tooth Fairy next time please bring a toy.” Sigh. At least she said please?
This happened several years ago when my second son was a baby. We were on a long trip back home from being out of town and needed to stop for a potty break – but there was only one NASTY gas station around. I was in the bathroom with my son while my husband and older child were in the car. I had just changed his diaper, when he had a HUGE blowout, ruining his outfit. Well, low and behold, I had only gone into the bathroom with one clean diaper and a few wipes which didn’t do the job. The bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I did the best to clean him up with wet paper towels. I thought that maybe the longer we waited, eventually my husband would realize that something was wrong and would rescue us with the diaper bag and a clean outfit. But, after about 20 minutes, I decided to make a break for it. So, I ran out of the bathroom and through the gas station with a naked little bare bum and a hand full of nasty clothes. I think I might have scarred the teenage clerk for life!
I would grab the Napkin Ninja patch for this bathroom escapade! Also, I LOVE Red Baron pizza, we have it at least once a week at our house. Can’t wait to try the Brick Oven Crust! 🙂
Oh my. I would say I could win the “Clean Up Crew” badge. When my oldest was about 10 months old and just getting mobile(he was born 3 months early) my husband tried to give me a morning to sleep in and took my son into the living room. He then fell asleep on the couch. About half an hour later, I was awakened by his yells from the living room. My son had had a massive diaper blow out on the rug, perfect little hand prints of poo and all. My still sleep addled brain didn’t register what the brown on his hands, face and the floor were. I asked why my husband had given him chocolate, and was answered in a very beleaguered voice,”It’s not chocolate!!” We had to throw the rug away, it was completely unsalvageable. Threw the boy in the tub, and the PJ’s in the washer and cleaned it all up while my husband tried not to vomit from the memories. We still giggle about this 10 years later.
I’d earn the “Seeking Babysitter” badge. When my son was a toddler he took awhile to adjust to new people, and every time we would find a babysitter, and have them over for a few visits to get to know each other, they would end up moving/graduating/getting married/finding a new job within a month or two. We were constantly finding new sitters for at least a year.
Is there a “Trust your instincts” badge?
When my son was an infant I didn’t want to be that overly paranoid first time mom, but we were out at a restaurant and while still completely asleep he started wailing (not the first time). That was the last straw and I start crying, announce “something is wrong and we’re going to the dr tomorrow!” Turns out he had acid reflux, formula change and meds and it was like a light switch, we then had a happy baby.
At his 3yr check up I mentioned that his eyes seemed a little off. Not all the time, and not always a lot, but it seemed like something wasn’t right. Dr said it was probably just b/c it was late in the day and the muscles were tired. She didn’t seem to want to give us a referral to the pediatric ophthalmologist, but I insisted. He actually had 2 issues, it’s something that pediatricians are supposed to be looking for, glasses corrected 1, and the other he is having surgery for next month. I’m still annoyed that she tried to brush off my concerns.
I’ll wear the “nailed it” patch sarcastically for the time I taught my 8-year old this joke: “Which planet has the most poop on it? Uranus”
We took our first road trip a few years ago when our first baby was 3 months old to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving. It was a 4 hour drive, so we stopped about halfway to take a break, feed her, stretch our legs, etc. I tried to put her in her car seat and she screamed bloody murder. Being inexperienced first time parents, we thought something was actually wrong. The fact that she was sick of the car seat didn’t enter our minds. She was crying too hard! It must have been pretty funny to watch us change her clothes, diaper, try to feed her, rummage through our bags for a different binky, change her socks AGAIN. I got a call from my dad checking to see where we were and I told him we couldn’t get her to stop crying! He just laughed and told us to “strap her in and drive.” I thought he was crazy, but she was asleep before we even got back on the highway. I can’t believe we were so dumb!
I guess that deserves the “I’ve got this” badge. We didn’t!
My daughter is 6, so the war stories are getting more creative.
On the bus home, she found a black crayon and drew all over her face. mustache, glasses, etc.
After cleaning her up (mostly) we talked about why it was wrong to draw on your own face. “If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?” I asked.
“Drawn on my hand, instead, so I could see it and do a better job.”
I’d give myself an “Almost” patch
I am not a parent due to my disability, but I’m a fan for sure and I NEED THAT JACKET PLEASE. My niece was born with her toes crossed so she always walked on her tippy toes when she first started to walk, I guess to compensate. So I saw after one of your videos on YouTube a video of squeaky shoes. On her first birthday I gifted her the shoes and because they only squeak when she put her foot flat. That’s how I taught her to walk correctly and her toes actually uncrossed a bit! I NAILED IT. So that’s the patch I deserve. Aunt of the year. I’m also heating up a Red Baron now
I like the Napkin Ninja one. I feel like I always need to use napkins with my kids.
no sass patch please! My five year old is too sassy!! She needs a reality check but her snappy talk back to momma and daddy are getting out of control!
I don’t have too many war stories other than the story of the lunch box. My 2nd grader kept insisting she wanted a home lunch but would consistently forget to bring home her lunch box. I thought a 2nd grader should easily manage to keep track of her stuff, but we let it become quite a tiff between us. Luckily she’s in 4th grade now and keeps tabs on it!
“Running on fumes” – the last two months we’ve been dealing with spme major sleep issues – with our 7 year old. Apparently it’s a very normal phase at this age (lots of fears) but it is sure exhausting!
Hi Ilana! It’s Ellyn. (Every time I say that I picture the SNL Ellen Degeneres skits, I don’t remember the actress’s name but I saw her in the actual Ellen Degeneres show and the two of them both did the “I’m Ellen!” thing and it was hilarious!)
I see this is an older post, just saw it on the Mommy Shorts FB feed. I’m a special needs Mom, as you know, as my 4 yo son Dylan has Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have learned that I am probably on the spectrum too (getting an eval next month for myself. I am pretty sure I’m Aspie/have Asperger’s though. I know, I find out about being part Jewish and also about having Asperger’s all around the same time…2017 was a big year of identity revelations!)
Anyway. I think a lot of Special Needs moms would agree that there should be patches for us, too. Like “Mama Bear” for standing up to my father-in-law about getting Dylan evaluated at all (“he just needs discipline” was met with, “When you obtain a degree in Child Psychology and Early Childhood Intervention, then you can give me advice.” And I was right to push because Dylan does have autism.
Or “survived another meltdown at 2am” which includes screaming at glass-shattering decibels, throwing things, breaking things, hitting me, flailing around on the floor like the child has been possessed. For the third time this week. Or “Autism Mom” (enough said.)
I also live with more than one chronic illness. “Chronic Illness Warrior” for surviving dealing with all of the stress and chaos on top of excruciating pain, debilitating fatigue, inability to do daily tasks during flares, etc. And still being up with my violently destructive, melting down autistic child at 2am (as one tiny fraction of everything we deal with, and most of all the severe emotional exhaustion of loving your child so fiercely your life becomes all about researching the diagnosis, dealing with therapies and worrying every day about whether what you are trying is helping them or hurting them). Multiple nights per week. Ongoing.
Of course all parenting is challenging, and I don’t mean to minimize y’all’s war stories at all! And maybe your blog isn’t the blog that will include special needs stuff because that’s not a part of your life and story (which is totally understandable!) I’m wondering if a future collaboration with a special needs Mom blogger about these patches (because they are super cool!) could be a consideration?
All parents are Warriors! ❤️