This past weekend, I took Mazzy and Harlow to a rooftop lunch in perhaps the most beautiful location in NYC. I’m not exaggerating. There it is above. A rooftop garden in Rockefeller Center. We were there to celebrate the digital release of Beauty and the Beast, perfectly represented by two long tables lined with tall candelabras and the St. Patrick’s cathedral in the background, which the girls kept calling “the beast’s castle.”
Whoever picked the location deserves a raise.
The lunch was a three course meal cooked and presented by Cat Cora (of Food Network fame) for about 50 extremely lucky attendees, including Jim Gaffigan and his family, a cast member from Real Housewives and the woman who voices Princess Jasmine, to name a few.
This is not a sponsored post and I am not writing this post to brag about the experience (although the entire event was flawless). I am writing this because, even when you have a perfect setting and impressive company, your impeccably dressed children can still be total a-holes.
You can’t really blame them though, because kids don’t care about a three course lunch or understand why it’s so important for you to get a picture of that three course lunch or the fact that they are eating it off China that probably cost more than their mother’s college education.
That’s not an exaggeration either. I went to a state school.
I keep thinking that as my kids get older, they will be more inclined to appreciate the wonderful opportunities that this blog provides them. But nope. That’s not what seems to be happening. Instead, special treatment is becoming nothing special, free stuff is the norm, and grand locations are just locations.
This is, of course, ALL MY FAULT.
Let me stop here to say— Mazzy and Harlow had a fantastic time at the event. They got pink roses painted on their hands, joked around as they sipped from huge glass goblets, honestly liked the chicken, made friends with other kids in attendance and were thrilled that after dessert was served, we got to go inside to watch a screening of Beauty and the Beast in its entirety. They were also excited to take home the huge plush rose-shaped cushions that they sat on during the screening.
But were they as grateful and well behaved as I wanted them to be?
No.
Perhaps my expectations are too high. Or perhaps I need to recognize that the reason I find events like this one amazing is because I am first experiencing them at the age of 42.
We did not get the perfect picture all together at the event, as we rarely do. Mazzy and Harlow refused to stand in front of the Beauty and the Beast sign and I decided not to force the issue. While eating lunch, my co-worker Cara tried to take photos of us from across the table, but Mazzy and Harlow never smiled at the same time in the same shot.
In fact, in many photos, they actually looked like they were being tortured. Mazzy also brought along a black Beanie Boo Bat, for some reason, who made its way in front of her face in half the pictures.
They both crawled all over me during lunch so that it was hard to enjoy my meal.
Harlow complained of the heat and spilled her water on her salad. Then she cried even though she wasn’t planning on going anywhere near her salad to begin with.
Mazzy stole my sunglasses and then dropped them underneath the table. Then Harlow got mad when I had to plop her back onto her own seat so that I could pull back my chair, crawl under the table and pick them up.
When they finally left the table to go inside, I was relieved to sit there by myself and sip my drink (for the first time) in peace.
I based my whole book on lowering expectations and having a selective memory when you reflect back on your day, but now with over seven years as a mom under my belt, I find that I am having a harder time practicing what I preach.
Shouldn’t I know what I am doing by now? Am I destroying my kids by exposing them to such nice things? Would I still be trying to get the perfect family photo if I wasn’t posting it on Instagram?
These are the things I think about.
I usually come around and tie each story up with a bow at the end, but honestly, my plan today was to tell you that I have no bow. Then, in the middle of writing this post, I remembered something.
If you follow me on Snapchat, you know the balcony on our apartment (and all the windows in our main living area) has been covered by scaffolding and a plastic tarp for over a year, totally blocking our view and prohibiting us from going outside. It’s been up so long, Harlow doesn’t even remember ever going out there.
Just a couple of weeks ago, the scaffolding finally came down and we were able to see out our windows and open the door to step outside once again.
That evening, a few hours after the Beauty and the Beast event, I told the kids I was ordering a pizza for dinner. Mazzy suggested that we eat it on the balcony. I suggested a picnic but Mazzy had a better idea. She carried the kids table and chairs outside herself and then Harlow helped set the table.
The pizza arrived and we all took our seats as I doled out slices on paper plates and poured water into plastic cups. While we ate, we told each other our “boo-hoos” and “woo-hoos” of the day (yes, we still do that).
Mazzy’s “woo-hoo” was watching Beauty and the Beast and Harlow’s “woo-hoo” was jumping into a pile of plush roses during the screening. I’m not sure what I said at the time (probably something about feeling lucky to have lunch in such a spectacular setting), but looking back, my “woo-hoo” was not that all.
It was pizza on our balcony.
When the kids were relaxed and being themselves and I didn’t care about taking the perfect photo for Instagram.
I guess I was selectively remembering the wrong part of our day.
When I think about how I will make my children into more grateful human beings (which I definitely need to work on and I welcome any ideas you might have), I also have to remember that Mazzy and Harlow are still just kids. What they are grateful for is not going to be anything involving a glass goblet or sitting still while their mom eats a salad, as pretty as that salad might be.
Later that night, when I finally figured out a pic of the rooftop lunch to post on Instagram (which ended up being of the location without me or my kids), someone commented that I was in the background of Jim Gaffigan’s video of the same event. I checked his Instagram account and found the video. It’s of his youngest son trying and failing to pick up a pea with his fork and then lashing out at his mom when she asks if he needs help.
I watched it ten times in a row and immediately felt better about my own experience.
Kids are all the same.
I love this post. I struggle All.TheTime. with how to reconcile that my kids are being given access to experiences that I am constantly worried will make them entitled and spoiled. They’re never going to get exactly how lucky they are (or have the same appreciation that I do experiencing them for the first time at 33 years old) but all I can do is hope that by continually reminding them how lucky they are that they’ll one day get it.
For your girls they are super lucky that by living in NYC they have access to a spectrum of diversity that most people won’t ever experience. My suggestion would be to call that out as often as possible. Not in a mean way but they must have classmates that don’t have the same opportunities they do – just by gently pointing that out you can help them start to create that awareness. It might not do anything for behavior but it will help set impressions that they’ll carry with them.
That little brat hit his mom at the end.
In all fairness to the kid, his mom is filming him trying and failing to pick up a pea. He could just be hitting the camera away. I don’t know if you can really pick a side here.
Sometimes we as parents are so lost in trying to capture the moment (good or bad) that we forget what our child is feeling right then. We have all been there and a lot of times looking back, I feel like I may have pushed my kid to behave the way he/she did. Maybe we all need to hit pause and savor the moment at times.
As an adult, would I like it if someone filming me in the middle of a very frustrating moment for me? Probably not. I, myself wouldn’t hit that person (because its me) but I wouldn’t be happy either and may say something like “can you please stop”. Haven’t we all heard/seen of people pushing or mouthing off at reporters who are in your face?
Let’s give the kid and his parents .. I know some are thinking bad parenting to themselves … a break!!
My kids do not get to experience all these awesome experiences but on occasion that we do something extra special… they still do NOT appreciate it. I just don’t think kids are wired that way! Someday they will look back and see how lucky they were and what a patient Mom they had 🙂 And I gave up on the perfect picture long ago – actually as long as I’m in it and you can somewhat see the children’s faces then it’s good in my book!!
Ilana, I think this post so beautifully reflects the internal struggle of so many caregivers – how do I both hold my kids to a high standard so they develop into kind, decent people but also maintain healthy, realistic expectations that are developmentally appropriate? When do I give them grace and when do I draw the line? Unfortunately, like you alluded to in your post, there is no straightforward answer – a total “boo-hoo” of parenting.
I have always tried to instill a sense of gratitude in the little kiddo in my life but it can be hard. One of the practices I’ve started to implement is when I am watching him at night and it is time to say prayers, instead of asking him what he was thankful for that day, I ask him one thing he liked about that day. Sometimes he will come up with really sincere answers (time with my friend) and other times, really silly replies (the wall). Whatever he says, I latch on to it and turn it in to a prayer of gratitude I say out loud for the both of us. Example – “Dear God, thank you for the wall next to me. I know not everyone has safe walls and sturdy houses to keep them safe and dry so thank you for my walls.” I hope this leads by example in helping him understand that gratitude can be found everywhere.
You might try expanding the “boo-hoos” and “woo-hoos” of the day at dinner in a similar way. For the woo-hoos, have each of the girls identify one person who made that good part of their day possible (I.e. The worker who took the time to put all of the rose pillows in the viewing room) and one person who helped them get through their boo-hoo (i.e. The worker who led us into the screening room and turned on the movie so I didn’t have to sit in the boring lunch anymore!). This could help them realize that the highs are always made possible by someone else’s efforts and the lows are always made a little more bearable by another’s support. It could help them to at least recognize opportunities for gratitude in their daily lives, which is half the battle!
These are simply my thoughts. Remember to cut yourself a little slack and celebrate the wins as they come! You are doing awesome!
I loved your comment so much, I just read it out loud to everyone in my office. We don’t say prayers at night but maybe we should start. I love the idea of identifying the person who made the woo-hoo possible. Or the idea that even the silly things like walls are something we should never take for granted. I am going to use your advice starting tonight. Thank you! Also- any interest in writing for my site??? Not joking.
Oh my goodness Ilana! Your reply just made my day – as it always does. I am so glad that you found my words wise enough to share with the whole office. I just thought, don’t re-invent the wheel if it is not broken, simply grow an existing and wonderful tradition you already have to incorporate even more values. I am so honored that you think highly enough of my advice to incorporate it immediately! And your offer at the end, well…I am speechless! You have my email!
In other words, your offer is one of the highest compliments I have ever received and if you actually are serious, I would of course love to talk further!
This is such amazing advice! Thank you so much for sharing.
Beautiful <3
This looks wonderful! I bet my kids wouldn’t behave either!
Thanks for the amazing, refreshingly honest (as usual) post about everyday whoo-hoo and boo-hoo’s. Instilling gratitude, even in young kids is important because it gives them a skill they can carry on forever and use it to feel happy even in sad moments.
I got into the habit of teaching my almost three year old appreciation, by gently prodding her to express her gratitude for big and sometimes little things we give her. Not as in a command, but as in teaching a new skill.
Say, I bought her a new pair of shoes, or a scooter, I ask her right after she first sees it, “do you like it? What do you say to mommy?” By now her instant reply is “thank you thank you” but in the beginning I used to spell it out for her.
And it’s amazing how even the littlest kids catch on quickly because by now, whenever I just hand her a cup of water she requested, or a tissue to wipe her nose, she mumbles without second thought “thank you”.
Good luck and keep your feed flowing!
I adore the idea of acknowledging who made the woo-hoos possible and the boo-hoos better! That is quality advice.
In our house, we say grace every night before dinner and frequently include, “Thank you for the hands that helped make this food.” With this, I do mean my husband but also all of the people who helped grow and pick the food. My three-year-old has just gotten into saying grace and I hope he starts to internalize that part of the message.
We don’t say prayers either, but some nights (usually on request) we sing a little song to the stars that incorporates some things he’s grateful for and some things he wishes. My favorite one recently was “I wish I was just being quiet.” I was like “AMEN!”
This might be my favorite post of yours! I loved how your day ended and loved the video of the kid with the pea. All kids truly are the same!
I love how honest you are! Your children are precious. I think when we’re children, we don’t really know “how good we have it” until we’re exposed to those that are less fortunate than ourselves. I grew up in a single parent household – and times were often hard, but other times were really good. And yet, thinking back, I never appreciated that my mother made sacrifices that kept a roof over our heads, or us healthy and fed. It wasn’t until I started volunteering in middle school with organizations that helped children living in complete poverty that I realized that I needed to be more thankful for what I did have, and stop crying about the things I didn’t have. But guess what? We do it as adults too. To date, I don’t know what it’s like to live in a war zone, or not have basic needs met. We perhaps appreciate things more, but I can admit that there are times that I catch myself complaining about a situation, not realizing all of my blessings. We’re all human, trying to just figure it out one day at a time.
Can you link to the post where you first talk about woohoos and boohoos? I’d like to incorporate this + Kathleen’s ideas in our lives. 🙂
Illana, I just had a similar conversation with my daughters this past Sunday. We were attending a church picnic and the girls came home with three balloon animals, more prizes you can imagine and tired legs from being allowed to hang out in the bounce house. I took some time to explain that I didn’t have these opportunities when I was their age. We grew up much less well off then I’m raising my girls. I explained that their behavior at the end of the event when they were whining and complaining that they didn’t get everything they wanted made them sound ungrateful and made mommy very sad. I didn’t expect them to understand at all (my girls are the same age as yours), but my oldest did. She apologized and asked me if I wanted one of her balloons. I guess all I’m saying is that we just have to try, explain the world to them little bits at a time and then hope they grow up to be nice people. I’m grateful for you. Thank you for posting this. You are not alone!
This sort of post is why so many of readers stay with you. Your sense of reality and vulnerability in exploring this sort of challenge we all face albeit in different ways is so refreshing so thank you. I know I sound like a suck up, but so be it. And while I am with you 100% on the continual effort to help our kids appreciate what they have and I love the ideas in the comments too (stealing them all) I also think there’s something incredible about the world you have built for the girls. They don’t come across as entitled, they come across as normal kids who are reaping the benefits of a mom who works incredibly hard specifically to give them this magical life. You said before that you choose your sponsors and partnerships carefully with your family in mind and this certainly comes across as a reader. So I just feel like while they might not appreciate the uniqueness of the opportunities they get right now – and while it is awesome that you share how they respond like normal kids – also the fact that this is their “normal” and they don’t get wowed as this stuff becomes more familiar is because you worked hard and refined your skill set to create that for them as a working mom who evaluated how to do family her way and make it work. And that’s a pretty cool life lesson too.
I don’t think that kids are so able to appreciate the things that we want them to when they are so young, but what they do pick up is how we appreciate the experiences that we have. The more that we show our appreciation and they see and hear that we mean it – that is the sentiment that sticks with them!
Thanks for the advice. I do face this challenge when I go to certain places with my son. I think my two year old is too young to appreciate certain things if it’s not the park or the game arcade. He always wants to be on the go.
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