On Wednesday night, I went out to dinner with three of my closest friends. When the dinner was scheduled a month ago, I didn't think there was a chance in hell I would make it (my due date was the following day) but there I was, dipping crusty bread in olive oil and sneaking sips from my friend's glass of wine— the baby was cooked, right?
Earlier that day, I had seen my OB, who tested my cervix and declared it "unfavorable" (a lovely term that means 'not dilated'), so I was beginning to suspect I might not give birth until Christmas.
But, low and behold, on the walk home from dinner, I finally felt something resembling a contraction.
Once home, I found Mike asleep in bed and lied down next to him. The next thing I knew it was 4am. My first thought was disappointment it hadn't happened the night before. Then I realized I was lying in a small puddle and thought— "Oh! it's happening right NOW!"
I wasn't currently experiencing any pain, so I did what every pregnant woman does who wakes up in a pool of their own bodily fluid...
I grabbed my phone and googled "how do I know if my water broke or I just peed on myself?"
As is often the case, the internet did not have a solid answer (100 comments on a Baby Center message board all from women with completely different experiences doesn't exactly instill a feeling of certainty), so I changed my clothes and got back in bed.
Then it happened again. I ran to the bathroom. The "fluid" was tinged ever so slightly pink. (Didn't Baby Center Woman #28 say something about pink?) Before I could turn back to Google for answers, I felt a pain that was most definitely a contraction.
Now, most people might wake their husband, call their doctor, grab their things and go, but me— I knew this was my last opportunity to take a shower. So as my contractions escalated and things went from zero to sixty, I was shaving my legs and blow drying my hair.
Before jumping in the shower, I woke up Mike and told him today was the day. I kid you not, his first words were: "Are you sure? Because I have a lot going on at work today."
In the movies, I've seen women in labor totally LOSE THEIR SHIT on their husbands, but since I was pretty pleasant during Mazzy's birth, I assumed that was done for comedic effect and wasn't actually a real thing. Well...
I WAS WRONG! Losing your shit on your husband is TOTALLY A REAL THING!
In addition to my "Excuse me if the birth of our baby gets in the way of your conference call" rant, I put Mike in charge of the iContractions app (you tap the screen each time your contractions start/stop and it times the intervals) and was constantly yelling "Tap it! I SAID TAP IT!!! DID YOU TAP IT????!!!! TAAAAAP IT!!!!!!!!!"
And, when I asked Mike to get me a TENNIS BALL (pressing one against my back was the only thing that kept me sane during my first pregnancy) and he presented me with a NERF FOOTBALL, I believe the conversation went something like...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????"
"I can't find a tennis ball."
"WELL, KEEP LOOKING, JACKASS!!!!!!!!!!!"
Finally at 5:30am, I instituted the most important (and only) part of our birth plan— I called my sister to come over to watch Mazzy. Unfortunately, Mazzy woke up before my sister arrived (must have been the screaming + blow drying combination) and then I had to deal with inane toddler requests along with the very slow reaction time of a husband who seriously does not know how to function before 7am.
MAZZY: I want nice and warmy milky.
ME: Mike! Get Mazzy nice and warmy milky!
ME: NICE AND WARMY MILKY!!!!!!!
MAZZY: NICE AND WARMY MILKY!!!!!!!
MIKE: Do you want me to get Mazzy milk or look for the tennis ball?
ME: TAP IT!!! TAP IT!!!!!! DID YOU TAP IT?????!!!!! YOU HAVE TO TAP IT!!!!!!
Finally, at around 6am, Mazzy and my sister were snuggled in bed watching Dora, Mike had located a tennis ball, my legs were smooth and silky, and we were ready to leave.
Except for one thing.
"Do I have time to get coffee?"
"Okay, forget it."
I was planning on telling the whole story but with both a toddler and a newborn at home, my blogging time is somewhat limited. Welcome to Mommy Shorts POST BIRTH OF SECOND CHILD. So. I'll be writing this post in two parts.
Just be happy I am awake enough to blog at all.