6:30am: What? Why are the lights being turned on?? It’s barely the crack of dawn! Holy Shit. These people wake up early. Their kids are what? Four and seven by now? Why are they still waking their mom like they’re depending on her for breastmilk?
6:35am: Okay good, she’s defrosting frozen waffles in the toaster. Nothing for me to do but watch.
6:40am: Oh for the love of god, NATURE CAT?! Who wants to watch Nature Cat? If I have to hear “Tallyho!!!” one more time, I’m going to implode. Can’t she put on Curious George or something? At least the monkey doesn’t talk.
6:42am: She’s making coffee now in the Nespresso machine. She’s standing over it with a Splenda and a spoon, watching it fill up like the most impatient person in the world. Okay good, it’s almost to the top. She’s about to— SHIT. Someone just yelled “MOM!!!!”
6:45am: It was her oldest daughter. She made her usual morning request for “nice and warmy milky.” That means I’m about to be put to use. Let me predict what will happen next… she’ll warm a cup of milk for exactly one minute. Then, her daughter will complain that the milk is not warm enough so she’ll put it back in for 30 seconds. Then her daughter will scream that it’s too hot.
6:50am: I really wish I had put money on that.
6:51am: You know, she still hasn’t touched that cup of coffee. I’m just watching it sit there sadly on the Nespresso machine.
6:55am: The dad just entered the kitchen. He took the mom’s cup of coffee off the machine and shook his head as he set it on the counter. Now he is making his own cup.
7:01am: I can’t quite tell what is happening. There is a lot of running around and screaming about hair. Meanwhile, Dad is leisurely drinking his coffee while checking what appears to be the weather on his phone.
7:15am: Mom just came back into the kitchen and looked for her coffee which is no longer on the Nespresso machine. I tried to scream “IT’S ON THE COUNTER!!!!” but I’m a microwave so that didn’t work. Then the kids started screaming “MOM!!!” again and she ran out. I think Nature Cat was over and she had to cue up another show. Maybe she’ll put on— NO! ANOTHER NATURE CAT EPISODE??!! Seriously?
7:19am: She just ran into the other room again. The coffee is still untouched.
7:30am: She’s back. I have no idea what took her so long but she’s not wearing pajamas anymore so that’s progress I guess. She just screamed, “Mike! Did you take my coffee?!!!” and he screamed back “NO!” Oh thank god. She found it on the counter.
7:31am: She took a sip and winced. Probably because it’s cold. No shit. It’s been sitting there for a half hour! Okay, time for me to get to work again. She just put it in for…TWO MINUTES???!!!! It will be too hot!!! God, this woman should really read a microwave manual or something.
7:33am: Beep! Beep! Hello??? Heeellloooooo? Beep! Beep! YOUR FUCKING COFFEE IS READY!!!!
7:45am: Maybe she knew what she was doing with the two minutes after all because she is still not back. Oh, there she is. She’s trying to get the kids to pay attention to her instructions while the TV is on. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
7:48am: Uh-oh. It looks like she is about to turn Nature Cat off. The kids are not going to like this one bit…
7:49am: Oh goddamnit, everyone is crying. It’s a badly drawn house cat with an accent! GET OVER IT!
7:52am: Okay, everyone appears to be getting dressed and brushing their teeth. Oh look at that! She even got the dad to pitch in. Good for her. Looks like she’s coming back to retrieve her coffee.
7:53am: Surprise, surprise! The coffee is cold again! She’s putting it back in for 45 seconds.
7:54am: Beep! Beep! Bueller?
8:02am: Dad is yelling that it’s time for everyone to leave. Miraculously, mom comes in looking somewhat presentable. Seriously have no idea when she found the time to brush her hair, let along put on lipstick. Doesn’t do much for the bags under her eyes though…
8:05pm: Backpacks are packed. Kids are getting their coats on.
8:06am: Uh-oh. There appears to be a missing shoe situation.
8:15pm: The little one found it. On her foot. These people really have to get it together. Okay, everyone is shuffling out the door.
8:16pm: Mom runs back in to grab a gymnastics leotard and a homework folder. Dad is yelling from outside, “We’re going to miss the bus!!!!!” She doesn’t even stop to look at me before running out the door.
8:17am: Wait!!!!!! Hello!!!!!! Excuse me!!!! You forgot to take out the cup of coffee!!! It’s still in here!!!!!!
8:18am: Sigh. I guess she’ll find it when she heats up her kids’ dinner of white rice and plain pasta later tonight.