Over the holiday weekend, in addition to celebrating Thanksgiving, we were also celebrating Chanukah. This is good for all the non-Jews reading because I get to give you the rundown on gift fails and successes before you really mess up Christmas.
Just think of my holidays as one big test run for yours.
The following is what happened when Grammy gifted my daughter "Tink & Friends Pajama Party"— a 27 piece set totally ensconced in military-grade plastic.
Rescuing Tinkerbell and friends from their torture chamber is an emotional process. I present my emotions in chronological order…
The 12 Stages of Tearing Tink & Friends from Their Plastic Packing:
It's the holidays! We're opening presents! The kids couldn't be happier! I wonder what is in the big box. Oh! Grammy got Mazzy "Tink & Friends" dolls. She is going to love this!
You want to open it RIGHT NOW? Okay, that shouldn't be a problem. Ummmm… let me see… It looks like I can just pull the plastic apart and Tinkerbell will come falling out ready for play… Just give me a few more seconds…
Hmph. I think I'm going to need a few tools. Where are the scissors? Is that kitchen knife super sharp? Anyone have a blow torch?
I think her head might be crazy glued to the backing. Yeah. This package is definitely defective. Or maybe it's not meant to be detached afterall? Mazzy— look how cool Tinkerbell is with her larger than life square head growth!
Please be patient, Mazzy. I promise, Tink will be out soon. I just can't see where this wire tie ends and Tinkerbell's arm begins. My God. Was it really necessary to hog tie every available appendage? Why does her head and neck both need fasteners?? Was she trying to escape? That must be why her hand needs to be secured to the backing in three separate places. It's like each character is being tortured in their own plastic hell. What did these fairies do in a past life that got Disney so pissed off???
I think I've finally dislodged Tinkerbell's right foot. Yes I've got it! The end is near! I just need to pull this wrist tie around and pry off the—oh crap, it's still stuck. What's that plastic incasing her ankle? Isn't this a bit much? I can't even get my knife to fit in the opening! Who's got a nail scissor? I can't see what I'm doing! I'm just going to take this scissor and poke it around Tinks's wings and— OUCH!!!!
I think I'm bleeding. Those wings are super sharp! What are they made out of? Paper thin razors??? Oh god, it's definitely bleeding…I don't need a tetnus for a wound caused by plastic, right?
Shit! I got blood on Tinkerbell! Maybe Mazzy won't notice. I'll just wipe it with my— Uh-oh. She noticed. Please don't cry… It will come out with some soap and water! I promise!
A few more snips and Tinkerbell should be free. Let me just cut this clear plastic around her neck and the clear straps around her shoulders…GASP!!!!! Those clear straps were part of Tinkerbell's dress!!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY MAKE THE STUFF FASTENING TINKERBELL TO THE PLASTIC LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS HER DRESS STRAPS??? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK????!!!!!!
I'm gonna blog about these stupid straps. No! I'm going to organize a facebook petition! I know! A twitter battle! First step is a bad Amazon review. Tink and Friends are GOING DOWN!!!!!
It's okay, sweetie. Tinkerbell comes with a second outfit so she didn't really need that other one anyway. I think she's finally free now. I've even dislodged her tiny shoes and pried her weird bug friend out of the package with my teeth. I'm not worried about Harlow choking on the tiny shoes AT ALL. Thanks for pointing out the three storybooks that still needed to be removed. I spent a good thirty minutes cutting them out of the plastic only to find out they aren't even real books— just carboard folders that couldn't be bothered to have actual pages inside. But that's okay. Live and learn.
All three fairies are free now! And all their outfits! And their teeny tiny shoes! Aren't you excited, Mazzy?! YOU CAN PLAY WITH THEM NOW!
Thanks to a comment below, I just found out about Amazon Frustration-Free packaging. Apparently, they open stuff and repackage it in hassle-free boxes. Who knew? Because it's a little tricky to find the toys available this way, here are my instructions:
1) Click the banner below.
2) Click "learn more" under the frustration-free description.
3) A help window will pop up. Click "list of items featuring frustration-free packaging".
4) This will take you to another page which lists 133,736 results across all categories. Either enter the toy you are looking for in the frustration-free search bar up top or go to the left sidebar and click "see all 31 departments".
5) Click toys and games.
6) Pray you see something you want in the first few pages.
SHEESH. Frustration-free MY ASS.