Over the holiday weekend, in addition to celebrating Thanksgiving, we were also celebrating Chanukah. This is good for all the non-Jews reading because I get to give you the rundown on gift fails and successes before you really mess up Christmas.
Just think of my holidays as one big test run for yours.
The following is what happened when Grammy gifted my daughter "Tink & Friends Pajama Party"— a 27 piece set totally ensconced in military-grade plastic.
Rescuing Tinkerbell and friends from their torture chamber is an emotional process. I present my emotions in chronological order…
The 12 Stages of Tearing Tink & Friends from Their Plastic Packing:
1. JOY
It's the holidays! We're opening presents! The kids couldn't be happier! I wonder what is in the big box. Oh! Grammy got Mazzy "Tink & Friends" dolls. She is going to love this!
2. OPTIMISM
You want to open it RIGHT NOW? Okay, that shouldn't be a problem. Ummmm… let me see… It looks like I can just pull the plastic apart and Tinkerbell will come falling out ready for play… Just give me a few more seconds…
3. REALITY
Hmph. I think I'm going to need a few tools. Where are the scissors? Is that kitchen knife super sharp? Anyone have a blow torch?
4. DENIAL
I think her head might be crazy glued to the backing. Yeah. This package is definitely defective. Or maybe it's not meant to be detached afterall? Mazzy— look how cool Tinkerbell is with her larger than life square head growth!
5. FRUSTRATION
Please be patient, Mazzy. I promise, Tink will be out soon. I just can't see where this wire tie ends and Tinkerbell's arm begins. My God. Was it really necessary to hog tie every available appendage? Why does her head and neck both need fasteners?? Was she trying to escape? That must be why her hand needs to be secured to the backing in three separate places. It's like each character is being tortured in their own plastic hell. What did these fairies do in a past life that got Disney so pissed off???
6. HOPE
I think I've finally dislodged Tinkerbell's right foot. Yes I've got it! The end is near! I just need to pull this wrist tie around and pry off the—oh crap, it's still stuck. What's that plastic incasing her ankle? Isn't this a bit much? I can't even get my knife to fit in the opening! Who's got a nail scissor? I can't see what I'm doing! I'm just going to take this scissor and poke it around Tinks's wings and— OUCH!!!!
7. PAIN
I think I'm bleeding. Those wings are super sharp! What are they made out of? Paper thin razors??? Oh god, it's definitely bleeding…I don't need a tetnus for a wound caused by plastic, right?
8. FEAR
Shit! I got blood on Tinkerbell! Maybe Mazzy won't notice. I'll just wipe it with my— Uh-oh. She noticed. Please don't cry… It will come out with some soap and water! I promise!
9. ANGER
A few more snips and Tinkerbell should be free. Let me just cut this clear plastic around her neck and the clear straps around her shoulders…GASP!!!!! Those clear straps were part of Tinkerbell's dress!!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY MAKE THE STUFF FASTENING TINKERBELL TO THE PLASTIC LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS HER DRESS STRAPS??? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK????!!!!!!
10. REVENGE
I'm gonna blog about these stupid straps. No! I'm going to organize a facebook petition! I know! A twitter battle! First step is a bad Amazon review. Tink and Friends are GOING DOWN!!!!!
11. ACCEPTANCE
It's okay, sweetie. Tinkerbell comes with a second outfit so she didn't really need that other one anyway. I think she's finally free now. I've even dislodged her tiny shoes and pried her weird bug friend out of the package with my teeth. I'm not worried about Harlow choking on the tiny shoes AT ALL. Thanks for pointing out the three storybooks that still needed to be removed. I spent a good thirty minutes cutting them out of the plastic only to find out they aren't even real books— just carboard folders that couldn't be bothered to have actual pages inside. But that's okay. Live and learn.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT
All three fairies are free now! And all their outfits! And their teeny tiny shoes! Aren't you excited, Mazzy?! YOU CAN PLAY WITH THEM NOW!
"Nah."
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Thanks to a comment below, I just found out about Amazon Frustration-Free packaging. Apparently, they open stuff and repackage it in hassle-free boxes. Who knew? Because it's a little tricky to find the toys available this way, here are my instructions:
1) Click the banner below.
2) Click "learn more" under the frustration-free description.
3) A help window will pop up. Click "list of items featuring frustration-free packaging".
4) This will take you to another page which lists 133,736 results across all categories. Either enter the toy you are looking for in the frustration-free search bar up top or go to the left sidebar and click "see all 31 departments".
5) Click toys and games.
6) Pray you see something you want in the first few pages.
SHEESH. Frustration-free MY ASS.
I have a 3.5 year old and I have always taken any toys out of the packaging before wrapping to avoid the impatient temper tantrum. I’ve still got to deal with opening them (which is a bitch!) but at least I can swear out loud while doing it 🙂
*I’ve even asked friends and family to do the same.
Hope you heal both physically and emotionally from this experience 😉
P.S. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog. It’s fun to read about Mazzy’s adventures and developmental stages as my son will be going through them next. It’s a nice little “heads up” 🙂
ahhhh hilarious! Kids toy packaging sucks. So does adult packaging, for that matter. Take kitchen shears, for instance. The last time I bought those, they came in a package that took kitchen shears to open. Anyone else see the irony? What would have happened if I’d bought the shears and the new package was the only cutting implement I had? It’s downright frustrating! lol Hopefully she came back to the dolls with all that effort. 😀
OH yeah, and those straps are downright ridiculous!
When my kids were little I would open the package, spend the ridiculous amount of time to undo all the ties etc., repackage the now freed toys, then wrap them. Only a couple of years as patience is also a virtue and don’t like them to whip through openning gifts too quick, but when they were too young for 30 min patience per gift. Worked like a charm 🙂
We have a dog who thinks those tiny little shoes and weird bug accessories are tasty snacks. It’s a matter of hours before the shoes and accessories disappear…I would guess the dog has ingested dozens of them. I look at it as a blessing in disguise since when they’ve been eaten we no longer have to keep track of those horrible little chunks of plastic – as long as the dog doesn’t require medical intervention to help the plastic pass (knock on wood, it’s never happened yet!).
OMG those shoes. Super glue that shit to their feet now. we have 8 fairies and 3 single shoes. The others were eaten or are lodged in the space between the floor boards.
great post!
I did the same thing with Rapunzel’s crown last year. Why the heck do they attach her crown with the same damn clear plastic and they have her head tied to the box with? I freakin need instructions on how to release the dolls from their prisons.
Thank you for the humor through your pain. You are hysterical as always!
That is genius. Cut the ties before wrapping gifts!!! Oh. My. God. You may have saved us many tears from the baby and many more silent curse words from daddy.
Bahahahah this made me LOL! This is sooo trueee! every time we get our son a toy is like a huge battle against the packaging! all while you have a screaming toddler in the background that knows nothing about patience. My son loves construction trucks, those bitches even come with screwsssss… I shit you not, my husband needs to bust the heavy tools every time we are unpacking those.
I’m dying laughing here. Last year, my son got a toy wrapped in industrial strength plastic and I was using scissors to open it… which inevitably slipped and sliced my thumb, resulting in me needing 6 stitches (and a tetanus shot). I think it’s *insane* how much ‘security’ goes into these things.
I have some dear friends who are toy and game designers at, um, well, a major toy manufacturer. Anyway, my friend tells a story about standing in the toy aisle at Target while a woman is opening up a toy similar to Tink here and then attempting to pull out all of the dolls and pieces. In the store. And the woman begins to swear and complain about how hard it is to get the pieces out of the packaging. At long last my friend can hardly contain herself anymore, and begins screaming, “It’s because of YOU!!!!!” …Only I can never tell if she’s screaming that at the lady, or just at me when she retells the story. Still, um….yeah. This is why we can’t have nice things?
Three words… Amazon. Hasslefree (is that one word or two?) Packaging! It is amazing. You just open the box and the toys dump out! Soooooo wonderful!
I’m glad you weren’t more injured! Injuries related to trying to get Chanukah/Christmas gifts out of clam shell packaging are, like an Actual Public Health Hazard that sends many people to A&E each year: http://www.healthnewsdigest.com/news/Health_Tips_620/12-Days-of-Christmas-Seen-Through-the-Eyes-of-Emergency-Medicine-Physicians.shtml
I use bandage scissors and an exacto knife. I put them in the diaper bag whenever we’re going to a place where the kid’s will get gifts. Also, I always flip the cardboard the toys are attached to over and cut the ties from the back. Less confusing that way.
While we were tearing apart plastic packaging like a pack of wild dogs after our son’s birthday this weekend, we were wondering (while cursing) if anyone has ever slit their wrists (literally SLIT THEIR WRISTS and had to go to the emergency room) on torn plastic packaging shards. I’m sure they have. Or at least they wanted to.
Remember when we were younger and our parents would say “wait until YOU have children”…
I’m pretty sure the time they were referring to is NOW. When our kids start playing with dolls or toys that are secured down more for battle than the playroom (though both are comparable). My husband and I “rock paper scissors” our way through holidays and birthdays now and view it as a form of purgatory and the memoriesNOT quite so happy I do have to say…I come out with a vocabulary I didn’t even know I HAD and all over Barbie and her overly pink friend…
10 years ago (the kids are 11 and 8 now) I learned about the hell that is plastic packaging with a similar gift of Fisher Price Little People. For the next several years, I took everything out of those damn packages (why oh why with the million fasteners?!? And the weird fastener things in their hair??) before wrapping. I hate that sh*t with a passion.
And batteries pre installed. Very important.
Great idea! Thanks
We’ve gone through this for about 7 years with the same pain, where we “had to” take a toy out of its box and we needed a screwdriver and a cable cutter and had neither of those. OMG, I felt the end of the world and came back. Luckily my kids are now at the age where the only painful toys we have with small pieces are LEGOs.
omg my son’s last birthday.. nearly ALL of the gifts had SCREWS in the packaging.
I’ve actually considered boycotting all toy companies who invoke this level of cruel torture on parents. And Disney is the worst — soon the toys will actually be bolted down in their packages and I’ll have to drive to Ikea and buy something to get damn little key thing.
And of course I’ll see something I like at Ikea and have to buy it.
It’s a conspiracy to keep us pissed off, stressed and broke.
Revolt I Say!!
I hate when something says “open here” as if it’s mocking me because it’s impossible to open “here” or anywhere else. What kind of plastic are these packages made from anyway? Good grief.
We learned a few years ago to take all toys out of the packaging and assemble them before Christmas or birthdays. We weren’t always so smart though as you can see here…http://supermommyornot.blogspot.com/2010/12/sorry-honey-all-batteries-ran-away-last.html
Didn’t any of you see Toy Story 2???? Disney knows what these toys get up to when nobody is around! That’s why they have to strap them in tight!
Same here. I will also put things together and wrap them in blankets and bows. I spend Christmas eve cussing and losing sleep because it’s a lot easier than trying to do all that stuff with three boys waiting and helping. Which isn’t actially helping.
Why the screws?
Damn that woman! She’s ruined the holidays for EVERYBODY!!!!
Really??? This exists? Do they just take the stuff out for you from whatever you want? Googling now…
Exactly. 😉 Hey, at least there’s someone to blame.
LOL!! Oh, I love your blog so much. You are so hilarious and it always gives me a great laugh right when I need it. Packaging is a joke! So is the term ‘some assembly required’. The last toy we bought with that term attached, required 3 hrs and a power drill!!
I will never understand why toys have to be locked up more securely than serial killers. Do the people packaging this stuff believe Toy Story is real? And those straps that are exactly like her neck manacle? What the ever loving fuck indeed!
My best guess is that people was stealing too many toys in sotres, so they had to make it a really difficult process? I don’t know if it has something to do with shipping purposes? I just know they are there and they are frustrating!
Thanks For Writing helpful Blogs. Toy packaging makes the toy gorgeous
https://ello.co/monicaharper/post/uzfu27g-mvq-ehxvijh2dw