I've been to some pretty crappy playgrounds in my day.

For instance, the masterminds who designed the Washington Square Park playground decided to make it both a waterpark and a massive sandbox. Whoever was responsible for this design never had to drag a screaming toddler with wet sand in their shoes fifteen blocks back to their apartment.

I've also encountered "The Happy Swing" in Central Park's Victorian Gardens, which I would rename something along the lines of… ummm… oh… I don't know… "The GET ME THE FUCK OFF OF THIS BEFORE I PUKE Swing".

There's also the infamous climbing metal dome in Dumbo that had to be removed after it SEARED THE SKIN OFF THE PALMS OF CHILDREN'S HANDS.

Even so, nothing in NYC compares to the PLAYGROUND SLIDE FAILS pictured here today. I can just imagine the person placing the slide above and proclaiming proudly, "It fits PERFECTLY!!!"

Think it can't get worse?

Oh, you are so naive. Let me introduce you to "The Elephant's Anus"…

Next we've got "Slide Interruptus". Make sure your kid wears a helmet!

And a super fun experience (if you time it right!) called "Road Kill"…

What playground would be complete without "The Splinter-tacular"?

A slide so popular, another playground copied its design…

Have you seen the "Cheese Grater"? 

"The Cheese Grater" also comes in a second varitey, just in case you want your limbs carved in a more fanciful fashion.

Then there's every serial killer's favorite— "The Body Disposal Chute".

If that doesn't do it for you, I'm sure "Dumpster Dive" is a good time.

"Route 666" is perfect for families with small backyards.

If murky waters are your thing, perhaps you would like a slide down "Alligator Surprise"…

Here's a favorite! I call it "Florida Sink Hole". (Alternate name: "Buried Alive".)

Personally, I think the best slides include a bit of a challenge. For instance, what could be more fun than a slide called "95% Ladder"?

Another awesome slide challenge is the "Ninety Degree Angle".

Don't worry. If all these slides make you terrified to take your kids outdoors, I've got a slide that will put every parent at ease.

Say hello to "The Happy Ending Clown".

Feel better?

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Pictures found at I'm not right in the head, failblog, water cooler laughs, buzzfeed, Huffington Post and thereifixedit.