When my parents got divorced and joint custody papers were drawn up, my mother had various requests made legally binding.

All major holidays were to be spent with her, braces and Bat Mitzvahs were to be paid for in full, and while in my father's custody, he was not allowed to take me on any "high-risk adventures" such as sky diving, shark swimming, dragon fighting, etc.

This saved everyone a lot of future heartache. Except me, who'd always dreamed of fighting a dragon.

I know Katie is seeking sole custody, but just in case she can't keep Suri out of Tom's claws forever, I thought it would be helpful to give her a list of suggested stipulations she could work into a joint custody contract if necessary.

We all know how much Tom LOVES contracts.

1. No cavorting with aliens in Suri's presence. From Xenu or otherwise.

2. The use of Suri's name and/or image should never appear in any Church of Scientology propaganda— including books, maniacal videos, or interviews with Matt Lauer.

3. Suri's "signature look" should be meticulously maintained regardless of parent in charge. No non-designer outfits, no unsupervised haircuts and absolutely NO FLATS.

4. Tom must attend all school functions in disguise, preferably his costume from Tropic Thunder. 

5. No audit sessions, e-meters, miniature "handlers" posing as six-year-old friends, or father/daughter bonding trips to the Celebrity Centre.

6. Parental rules must be consistent at every place of residence, including no cupcakes before dinner, no staying up past 9pm, and most importantly— NO JUMPING ON THE COUCH.

7. Absolutely no visitation rights granted to the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard.

8. Tom must scale back on smiling and laughing while in Suri's presence. There's no need to scare her. 

9. All questions about "the birds and the bees" should be deferred to Katie, since Thetans probably don't play as large a part in the discussion as Tom's explanation would suggest.

10. Tom's 'Last Will' must stipulate that Suri gets 1/3 of his estate, no matter how many children of the devil he pretends to spawn in future contracted sham marriages.

11. Tom must pay for all future therapy sessions, including the sessions after Suri realizes Chris Klein is her biological father.

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If you are a fan of 'The Bachelorette' (new epsiode tonight!), check out my post on MamaPop called, "Maybe Every Bachelorette Should be a Mom", in which I defend a mother's right to find superficial love under false made-for-TV pretenses just like regular childless people.