It's important that you understand, I'm typically a pretty laid back parent. Someone asked me in the comments of the post about Mazzy favoring her father, how much it really bothered me.
I thought about that for awhile.
It bothers me but not in any impactful sort of way. It is fact. Motherhood is hard. I try to roll with it.
Well, this weekend I stopped rolling.
On Saturday morning, we drove out to Riverhead to do some outlet shopping. Maybe you're not supposed to take a toddler outlet shopping, but we all needed clothes and that's what we did regardless.
I don't know if the new evironment was just too exciting for Mazzy or if she was doing her best with a bad situation, but once she set her eyes on that strip of discount stores, the girl acted like a wild animal let out of a cage.
She was squirming on her back across the floor of the Sunglass Hut, crawling into other people's dressing rooms in J. Crew and yanking the purses off the display mannequins at Barney's.
She was a handful and a half.
But I can deal with that.
What I can't deal with is THE SMACKING.
Mazzy has hit me before and I've struggled with how to make her understand the consequences for her actions. I don't like yelling at her. It doesn't come naturally to me and she knows it. When I yell at her to stop hitting, she does the same thing every time. She flashes a huge smile and smacks me again.
The only thing worse than your daughter smacking you with a shit-eating grin on her face, is doing it while making full eye-contact.
I've tried ignoring her but that doesn't work either. Then she smacks me to get my attention. And putting her in her room for a "time out" isn't really an option when you are standing in the middle of GAP KIDS with a boatload of clothes over your arm.
Mazzy rarely (if ever) hits her father but on this Saturday, she made a rare exception and I was not the only parent subject to abuse.
When we announced it was time to change her diaper, Mazzy raced off down the sidewalk like she was trying out for the Toddler Olympics. I stood waiting at the restroom, while Mike chased after her.
A good five minutes later, Mazzy's head emerged in the distance above the crowd of shoppers. She was on Mike shoulders as he walked stoically back to me.
With each step, Mazzy clocked him in the head. First, with one hand on one side and then, the other hand on the other side. Over and over. It reminded me of Danielson's pendallum move in Karate Kid 2.
Upon their return, Mike waltzed Mazzy straight into the men's bathroom (thank god, I don't think I could have dealt with her at that moment) and changed her.
I stood outside and listened to her continue hitting him as tried to get the changing over with as quickly as possible. "No, Mazzy" he prepeated firmly but patiently, "No hitting."
At some point, Mike had enough and yelled it her like I haven't heard him yell at her before.
I recognized the tone immediately. It's that tone where you are angry but also unsure of how angry you should be. How loud do you have to yell to get your point across? Is it okay to yell at all? Are you a good parent or a bad parent for being more or less forceful?
I, for one, really have no idea.
But after months of feeling like the bad guy, I was a little excited to be the good guy for once.
When Mike and Mazzy came out of the bathroom, I reached for her.
I know that was probably the wrong thing to do. I should be standing in solidarity with my husband's actions and not using it as an opportunity to be the favorite parent.
But it didn't matter, because Mazzy is not the kind of girl who needs to be protected.
What did she do when I took her into my arms?
She whallopped me straight across the face.
OH MY GOD, DID IT STING.
I waited until we all got back to the car and had Mazzy safely buckled into her car seat. Then I took my position in the passenger seat up front and burst into tears.
I don't think I have ever cried in the presence of my daughter before and I wish I could say that Mazzy yelled from the back, "What's wrong Mommy?"
But she didn't.
As a parent, I typically take everything in stride.
But Saturday, parenting broke me.
It really did.
(Don't be fooled.)
Oh I know I should say something comforting or witty or “I wish I had said that” worthy. And I’m sure I could – if I didn’t have children.
But right now, I can only think: Thank you, Ilana. Thank you for being real and making me feel just a little less insane as a parent. It’s such a relief when people we picture as living ultra-calm and polished lives (That’s you!) show their human side(s).
I’m dealing with this same problem right now & it is so! frustrating! i just bought a book called Hands Aren’t for Hitting. Don’t know if it is sinking in or not, it’s only been a few days. Dr. B?
It seems we all go through this shit and it’s nice to hear that we’re not alone. Is there anything more infuriating than looking at a toddler who is laughing at you as you say “no” and completely ignoring you? It’s nice to know it’s not just me – it’s actually him and it’s seems to be a common stage, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to melt into a self-loathing puddle of crying goo though.
My toddler hits me for fun. He thinks it’s funny. And no amount of “No”, “Stop hitting”, “Hitting is not funny”, “STOP IT!!” does anything. I’m at my wit’s end. I’m the only one he hits and the only one he doesn’t listen to. So yes, parenting is tough. I commiserate and I’m sorry. Sigh.
Oh, you poor sweet thing! I have so been there myself, and it was with a ton of time, patience, and me losing patience and my own temper that we broke the trend. My eldest would never hit and stopped every bad behaviour with one firm no. My second I deemed “Birth Control”. She is fiesty, stubborn, smart, and a tendency to naughty. I learned quickly I needed to be super prepared – if she is tired or hungry then it is not fun for anyone in earshot! But I also knew in my heart of hearts that if I allowed her to hit consequence free she would hit. My mistakes were (1) tapping her back ( chillax on the CAS calls haters – I did not hit hard, which is part of why was stupid action -hit not hard enough to really hurt while telling them not to hit wtf me?) so obviously that was a one-off. (2) trying to reason with her. She would just keep repeating No or whatever the argument back was in increasingly loud tone. End result – we broke her with a firm loud NO HITTING with eye contact then into time out until she apologized for hitting. Yes I have read about how apologies need to mean something – well to her it meant admitting she was wrong and embarrassment of saying sorry and guess what? Like sleep training, it worked within three incidents. Yes is harder when in public, but to ensure she never thought public was an exception – it wasn’t. I honestly would have set down my things, picked her up, gone to the car, strapped her in through the tantrum, and if no sorry gone home. I am not just spewing that at random – I have totally left public places when my kids misbehave – which is rare, as they know Momma don’t make no empty threats, I say what I mean and mean what I say 😉 I completely understand others may disagree but I kid you not – I was at my wits end, felt like a terrible failure of a parent, but decided on this route, carried through, my husband was 100 percent on board and I am telling you – I tamed the tiger! Of course she still has her moments, but I have seen her raise her arm to hit then change her mind, and I have seen her hit her sister then say (genuinely) oh, I sowwy! I sowwy! And hug her. She is 2.5 . You are a fantastic Mom- you love your daughter so much – you will get through this stage, I promise!! Email me whenever you want. xoxoxo
It’s so much worse in public too, because techniques like ignoring look like negligence and actually become safety issues….
Thanks for posting stories like this, we can all relate!
Also, for a shorter trip, check out the Bergen Town Center in Paramus, it’s a smaller outlet center, but I have penned it the Mecca of children’s outlet shopping (Gap, children’s place, carters, gymboree, osh-kosh, etc). I commend you for braving Tanger with a toddler, we go to the north fork of LI several times a summer, and we haven’t hit up the outlets since Rebecca was born.
Every kid does that one thing that brings a parent to the brink. Mine smeared poop on the wall (story for another day). Find a parent who is struggling with the same behavior and will openly and honestly discuss it. Honesty is key here because there are alot of moms out there who aren’t willing to tell the tough stories. Then, try everything you can think of, even if it sounds crazy. Something will work. Finally, know that this to shall pass. The best thing about the toddler years is that they are temporary. 🙂
Hellbaby is thirteen months old and she thinks hitting AND pinching are funny as hell, but so far she has been impressed with our holding her hand with a firm NO while looking her right in the eye. Usually results in tears and a hug. Don’t know if this means she understands what she’s done is wrong or if she’s just upset at being reprimanded.
Claire will be 2 in about 3 weeks and she is a hitter also. Cole was like this at her age, but when after being firm and telling him NO hitting and that it hurts, he thankfully outgrew it pretty fast.
Claire? Not so sure about this one. She reminds me a lot like Mazzy in many ways and with that same grin while looking me in the eyes, she has smacked me across the face and then pretended to be sorry. UGH!!
I’m up for any help with this one too!
xo
Jill
We have all been there!!
As I was reading this post, I was reliving that one hellish shopping trip that we took to the outlet mall. At one point, I pretended like I didn’t even know my oldest. He was freaking out and my husband was dealing with him and I just totally walked away.
Ouch! Not a fun situation! What has always worked for us is letting our kids know that they can have a time-out anywhere, anytime. Yes, I have stood by my children in the corner of a restaurant for not having acceptable behavior. We only had to do this once or twice and now they just know that they can’t get by with anything even in public. Hang in there!
When my daughter would get like that, we would just leave. I know it’s a PITA and you needed stuff and you needed to be there, but it punishes her by removing her from the situation. I’ve walked out of grocery stores leaving full carts, out of Target, pretty much anywhere.
If this is something that’s going to work with your kid, you only have to do it once or twice. Kids are very smart. You act up or hit? We leave. Period. Since most kids would rather stay and have fun, they figure out they better straighten up!
My LO is still a baby, but a friend read this book to her 2yo and had some success.
http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Board-Behavior-Series/dp/157542200X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334063497&sr=8-1
It’s called “Hands are Not for Hitting” Let us know if it’s of any help or if you find a solution.
This age just sucks sometimes doesn’t it? My daughter is the same age roughly as Mazzy and I’m so feeling you. It is a HARD and trying time. ::hugs::
I’m dealing with the same thing and have been for the past year. And I cry in front of my kid all the time.
This too shall pass. Right?
Agreed!
I put my kid in time out in public where ever I can find a piece of bare wall. I could care less any more who stares at me for it. I stand 2-3 feet away. Waiting for the screeching to subside then talk to him about why he needed a time out. Mine just entered the “scream like a banshee at anything I do not like” stage. It wears thin very quickly. I also threaten with “do we need to go sit in the car?” which has gotten me stares in public before. I find it hilarious because the same people that tsk-tsk at a mother disciplining her child are the same ones who tsk-tsk when a child displays rude behavior. Double edged sword!
Okay, I’m going to go to Amazon and buy that book. I still have the remnants of a fat lip where my 2 yo picked up my cell phone off the floor and flung it at me (I don’t think it was purposeful). Tears were instant. Yes, he said sorry and he sat in time out while he screamed his head off, but I’m not sure how much he gets it. He hits and laughs all the time and hits in frustration. No amount of no hitting works in our house either!
i’m a big fan of the leave, too. when my daughter was around 2 she would hit other kids at the park – which is actually much worse than the kid hitting you, b/c then you have to deal with the other parent being upset!
so, we just left with a simple “when you hit we go home,” can’t remember how long it lasted but i can say with certainty that now at 8 she never hits!
Hugs, mama. I wish I could only count on one hand. Or even two hands..how many times I’ve been brought to tears by this gig. xoxo
I thank you for your honesty. I have discovered a lot of my fellow parent friends are too proud to discuss such a thing happening. It’s nice to feel like someone else relates. While I have been trying to stay consistent with punishments, I still can’t find a solution. Good luck!
I have cried in front of the kids after just giving up on trying to remain in control because this whole motherhood thing is the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. EVER. The hitting thing (and hair pulling) is a problem here. I am going to check out the book a few others have mentioned. It can’t hurt…
I know it is of no use in the middle of GAP kids, but our daughter (3) hit our geriatric, diabetic dog one time when she didn’t get her way. We are pretty mellow parents in that we pick our battles and subscribe to a more gentle discipline idea and try not to yell. I like you just don’t sound very natural yelling and she thinks it’s funny. It’s scary because you are so mad and for a second you understand how people can lose it and hit their kids (no, we didn’t hit her nor have we ever), but I get it. With the dog, we told her she had to apologize and when she didn’t, she got her first and only time out (so far). It lasted over 30 minutes though because she was told that she could not come out of her room (which was toyless) until she said sorry to the dog. She screamed, she kicked, she sounded like the kid from the Exorcist.We just tried as calmly as possible to repeat, you may come out when you say sorry to Sadie. It was really hard…and I was in tears and daddy was in tears and poor Sadie just wanted to go take a nap. But eventually she got it and to her credit she has never hit the dog, or one of us since. I think she learned a valuable lesson and so did we – to stick to our guns no matter what. It doesn’t always work though of course…we have had very frustrating days as well that make me throw up my hands in defeat. But remember there are more good days than days like that. Hang in there!!
Oi. Parenting toddlers can be exhausting. And aggravating. But, from the other side, it does end and the thing I learned was that letting myself be ok with being broken at times made me a better parent. It’s not always going to be perfect, and there are times when you can’t believe this bullshit is happening, but you do what you can to get through. That’s all.
Good luck.
I understand the tears. I so do.
I freaked out when my girl hit me. I can’t accept being hit. I shrieked something along the lines of “Hitting hurts my feelings!” and refused to let her touch me until she promised not to hit me again. She did it again, and I’d physically remove myself from her. If she couldn’t touch me without hurting me and thinking it was funny, then she couldn’t touch me.
It broke her heart each time I did it, and it took about 3x for it to sink in.
I, personally, cannot allow hitting. It’s not a joke to me. It’s so unacceptable, I’d rather break my kid’s heart a few times for her to learn the lesson in the long run (she stopped after that), than anything else.
It worked for us.
I hope you find something that works for you.
Well, hitting back whether parent or child is a contradiction. I see alot of parent hit thier children and when they hit back, the parents says: “You don’t hit your Mommy!” Crazy! Children should be taught not to hit Period! However, I cannot say that “This too shall pass” because I have NEVER let it get that far. When home alone, I would hold her hands firmly, demanding her complete attention, then I would ask her what hitting makes her FEEL. Emotionally, physically, etc… and LISTEN to her answers. Go from there. This should take about 10-15 minutes in discussion…. if this fails and your daughter doesn’t get it, (too young) Then discuss it again, and again, (even if she didn’t hit that day) letting her know how it makes YOU and others feel. Ask her if she thinks she should be hit and if she wants to see how it feels, and if she says no, ask her why not. Children are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes. She just might understand.
If Dr. B has a good answer for this one, I hope you talk about it, because I still don’t know what to do about hitting. The only thing I will say is that I try to react immediately, in front of Caitlyn, that way she connects my reaction to what she did. And she thinks its funny when I get mad, so I don’t hesitate to show that I’m upset. Crying (and yes, I’ve done it too) actually gets her to stop and realize she hurt my feelings. I think the biggest issue is that she thinks hitting is funny, so to see me cry a couple of times actually curbed it a lot. Come to think of it, she hasn’t hit in quite some time.
That being said, I do yell sometimes. It’s pretty useless. And when the hitting first started, I smacked her on the hand a few times so as to make her understand that it hurt. I don’t recommend that either. It pretty much reinforced the idea that hitting was okay.
So I don’t know. This comment was pretty useless. But if I had to make a suggestion, I’d say don’t hesitate to have an emotional reaction when she hits you, as opposed to being angry. If you think about it, when a toddler gets angry, it’s usually because they didn’t get their way with something, but crying they understand. Crying means more to them, I think, and I’m sure Mazzy doesn’t want to see her mommy cry because of something she did.
Just so there is no misunderstanding, we have never hit her back. I think Mazzy is a little young for that kind of discussion but I’ll try it. I’ll try anything!
You managed to get me teared up at my desk again because every mother had THOSE tears. The ones that say they didn’t – lie. For a second you think your kid is a complete asshole and imagine her on the news 20 years from now. BUT it is just the age and they do get better. If it helps, I put Monkey in time out all over the city. I pick a space and there she goes. I don’t care who is watching.
This is definitely one of the things I struggle with the most, too. I have tried every reaction in the book, and they all lead to laughing and more hitting. And, like a FOOL, I am like, “OH, she’s only one-and-a-half, maybe she just doesn’t get it yet. I will deal with this in a few months.” She doesn’t do it often, so I try to appease my broken brain with that. NOT the answer. Sigh.
Oh dear. We had several of these episodes with our 2.5 year old son and it was only through these really difficult days and doing some hard reflections afterwards have we been able to sort of begin to make our way out of it. For us, time outs don’t always work so we’ve had to get creative. I also think that although we will explain to our son that his actions hurt us, he is not quite old enough to comprehend the full meaning of this. You know what he does understand though? Go Diego Go. It’s the ultimate punishment which we try to use sparingly. If he is really acting up he doesn’t get to watch it that evening. It is really effective. We have also been working on thinking of the natural consequences to every situation like when he would have a fit about taking a bath at night we’d tell him if he didn’t get in right away there wouldn’t be time for stories. Then after bath when he won’t get into bed I now tell him he has two choices: go straight to bed or go to bed and read a story. Everything has become a tactics game! And sometimes it has been about finding the trick that gets you through what you’re trying to do without a meltdown (e.g. a bag of popcorn from the Target snack bar buys me 60-90 minutes in there!). I also often joke him into bed by telling him that I’m taking MY favorite blankie (which is really his and which I really do grab) and then I run into the bedroom with it and chases me. Once he is on the bed with his blankie he is ready for some stories.
And sometimes they are just little terrors. But we have all been there! On the day at the mall that broke me I apologized to my girlfriend (who was with us with her 2 saintly toddlers). She then told me about the time her son felt inclined to lick all of the outlets on the ground at the mall. 🙂 Good luck!
No words of advice, just here to tell you, we all have days that break us.
And break us they do.
Like nothing else can.
xo
I read this post and I could feel the knot in my stomach tighten. I think for me, it was picturing Mike coming through the store with Mazzy on his shoulder as she hit him! I think it is equally as hard to watch your spouse or loved one go through the same tough situation. It is a feeling I am not used to. Everyone told me parenting was hard and I was honestly the person in the store rolling my eyes and wishing parents had better control of their children. Hard to admit, but I was there. Now with an 19 month old, I am starting to get it, but after reading this post, I am sure a similar situation is coming and I am certain I will be just as upset as you were. Remember though, it was a tough day, but you are not broken, just a little chipped! You are stronger and smarter than you think. Imagine some people don’t get in the car and leave when the melt down happesn or how about the parents who can not withhold their anger. Kudos, tough day behind you, you’ll handle the next one much better!
Our daughter is almost 2 and a half and is doing the exact same thing. Yesterday was a particularly bad day – she was hitting her favorite stuffed koala bear and we told her that she shouldn’t use her hands for hitting anyone, not even Kiki… well, she just started kicking the bear instead.
I’ve cried in front of my daugher before before but Elle, unlike Mazzy, only wants her Maman so if she sees me upset, it usually impacts her (although not enough that she doesn’t repeat the same behaviour a few days later!). I’m hoping it gets better and wish there was a magical solution. I’m proud of having a smart, strong and independant daughter. It can be hard sometimes but it also gives me hope that she will be able to take care of herself when she is older.
Oh, Ilana. I’m sorry. Kids are just very, very good at pushing boundaries and making moms cry. It’s what they do. Also, forgive me, but this is an age-thing.
I spent lots of moments trying not to go ballistic (and a few actually going ballistic) with my oldest at 2.5 that I think I may have laid the groundwork for her future therapy sessions.
You done good. You done better than I would have. I would have gotten very angry in a very loud way. There’s not much to be done about weathering these frustrating moments with your kid except to let them pass. Discipline as best you can, try to not do anything you’d regret, and realize that you are never, ever alone. Based on the comments you’re getting here, it looks like you have a shit ton of people who are with you.
Mazzy’s age is SO hard. When my triplets were two, they just about killed me. Literally there were some day, I was ready to walk out the door and not come back.
Hang in there and now that you are surrounded by tons of support. We have all been there and survived.
And maybe, (as bad as this sounds) the next time she hits you across the face… hit her back.
I must try this.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t tell you how often I feel like an insane “bad” parent because I reach my breaking point and have just had enough. The horrible thing is that our Daughter is only 18months old so I often find myself thinking it’s only going to get worse. Thankfully we always have a good moments that over come the bad ones, even after we’ve been broken. Because after all, it’s all worth it right??
I sure hope so. Good luck with your parenting journey, and please know that there are lots of us right there with you.
I so feel for you! Elena just started biting (10 months!) as a way of getting our attention. She isnt really talking (coherently) so asking her to use words is useless. We will have our hands full as she gets older. I am telling her mommy doesn’t hold biting babies and she has been set down while she subsequently throws a hissy fit. Afterwards we reaffirm no bite and ask if she needs XYZ and try to meet her needs. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing, I am just trying to address the situation. Does your sister have any suggestions?
Wow, do you have restraint. I am not opposed to the occasional tap, it usually gets the point across with my oldest and is somewhat effective. But wow…if it was all day? I think I would’ve been THAT PARENT that full on spanked the diapered butt right there in the middle of Baby Gap. I would have lost my shit. Good for you for only crying in the car.
That being said, the leaving thing has worked for us before, only I think my almost 2 year old would prefer to leave most places we are and that is why she acts out. Like everyone has said, consistency is key:)
Good luck – rounds one and two, she outlasted me in the sense she was in her room for 1.5 hours, then fell asleep so of course when she woke up it was over for then, as that would have been crazy to then still expect a sorry. Round three I changed it up a bit and when I was going up to her room (as would keep going in to allow her opportunity to say sorry – she would scream when I left but ignore me when I showed up) instead of in an angry tone asking for a sorry, I sat beside her – stroked her head – and in a gentle tone said “I still love you, you are a good girl, but hitting is bad. And you have to say you are sorry” And by George the time out coupled with gentle love seemed to be what broke her dam! From then on she was quick to respond to the threat of time out (I don’t do empty threats, but she would say sorry and hug before I had to). It’s not perfect, and won’t work for everyone, but did for us. That plus I think she had the benefit of repetition plus age.
The problem isn’t you, it’s Riverhead.
Rivah-head. When those Tanger outlets arrived we mid-island people were psyched. but I digress.
I’m sorry you had a tough day, I’ve definitely had them, the ones where you can’t wait for bed time and wine, and then feel guilty that it couldn’t have just gone down better.
OUCH, my heart! I’ve been there, though my kids do get concerned when I cry. Sort of. And I do yell, though I wish I didn’t (as much – sometimes you gotta).
Sorry! My little likes to smile then rake his fingers down your face… So fun… (not.). It is hard when they are still little.
Problem with hitting them back – then you haven’t really taught them not to hit, just that he who hits hardest wins. IMHO. And I will fully admit when my kid first hit I did start to rap her hand while saying no, but quickly realized what I just said above. Reminded of a situation where my nephew after being told not to do it, dunked his sister under water. Grandma smacked him across the face. Dad said if you don’t obey the rules you don’t swim. It was hot – he wanted to swim – he quickly learned follow the rules or don’t swim and be sitting in the heat on shore. He also learned to cringe and avoid Grandma. I personally think Dads lesson was much more apropo. ( Grandma was old, was imparting old school parenting and it was not endorsed nor supported by Dad, he just didn’t have time to stop her before she did it as was cliser to the kids).
http://www.bergentowncenter.com/index.aspx
So sorry you had to go through this. As everyone else has mentioned you are not alone. And you don’t recover near as fast as they do. It’s taken me days to get over some of his…stuff. The first time he said “i don’t like Daddy. I want daddy to go back to work” seriously shook me. Of course I had also just sent him to timeout so it made some senses…I guess.
Carrie, so glad to see we aren’t the only ones to do timeout in public. I remember my first one ever. I picked my 18 month son up…while in the highchair at the restaurant and carried him and the highchair outside. It worked quite well even though people looked at me like I was insane.
Since then we’ve grown indifferent with stranger stares. Our favorite spots are restaurant entry ways. There are some harsh looks but also a lot of “awe, looks like someone needed a timeout.”
Don’t get me.wrong…it suuuuucked so hard at first. As I stood there, facing away from my son while he screamed “DADDY DADDY DADDY” while people.walked by my heart would break. It still does. But it only took a handful of timeout to encourage good behavior.
Yikes! These little creatures really are pros at finding our buttons and pushing them day after day after day. It’s a miracle that all parents aren’t completely insane.
Thank you for the incredibly thoughtful first response. You are very welcome. I always have second thoughts about a post that is not in the least bit humorous, but sometimes it’s impossible to write otherwise.
I believe Dr. B has recommended that I get that book. I have emailed her to see if she will do a post addressing this- fingers crossed. Girl is busy lately!
Dr. B told me once that kids don’t understand emotions until they are taught them so it’s possible our kids aren’t even registering something like anger. Not sure what the solution is though…
Yeah, I’ve got the same thing going on. My new tactic is going to be one warning and then time out in her room. No need to repeat yourself ten times if it’s not working.
Words of wisdom from Dad! It’s so simple and you don’t have to lose your mind and get upset. It’s a clear non-negotiable consequence to bad behavior that a child can understand.
Think of why most of us were all good in high school: to go out on Friday nights and have the keys to the car! Now bring that down to the toddler’s level. It totally works and I swear after a few weeks, once the kid realizes that Mom and Dad have the authority to take away things that are important to them, they start acting better in general. And for me personally, I feel like I’m hitting my stride and transitioning into a parental role that is more fulfilling and appropriate. The relationship is becoming clear for both me and my son: I love him and I love spending time and having fun with him but some actions are not going to be tolerated. And I don’t have to yell or hit to get this point across. There are some rules though: don’t use food as a punishment or reward and don’t bring your happiness into the equation either.
I had another thought after reading this, sometimes if we’re at home and Ella has me at my wits end but I don’t feel like a time out is appropriate at that moment, I say “Mommy’s taking a time out” and I remove MYSELF from the situation. She is deprived of my company for a few minutes and I get a chance to cool off. If you can’t get Mazzy to effectively take a time out, maybe that would be another tactic?
My first was a hitter and you know what this smart-mommy did? Hit him back while saying No Hit. Genius, right?
When the light bulb went off I scoured the internet for ideas. What worked for me/us was a taking both hands in mine squeezing tightly and saying No Hit. Over and over and over again.
What also helped? A glass of wine and sleepovers at Nana’s house.
Been there done that. And it sucks. Kids have a way of really hurting us since they own a piece of our hearts. We do have to learn to stand back and not take the behavior as a personal dig at us though. It’s not, they are testing the waters. We have to be the bad guy, drop what we are doing and deal immediately with the behavior because kids need boundaries.
Mazzy is testing her personal power, seeing how broad her boundaries are.
Allowing her to hit you is unacceptable. The very first time she strikes you is time to respond with appropriate action. First, the removal from wherever she is and removal of whatever she is playing with is imperative. The behaviour has to be derailed immediately. Carry her out in a football hold if necessary! (Been there done that!)
I agree with an earlier poster, time out in the car is good when you’re out. Just leave stuff and walk out. Belt her in the seat and tell her why she is there. Or take her home and put her in her room. No engaging in a conciliatory way until she comes out of the hitting mode and gives you a sorry hug. Take stuff away if that works…you hit me, you lose Ipad, Dora, TV, your books, whatever matters to Mazzy. And stick to it. Put the toy in time out if you like. On top of the fridge so she can see it. A personal time out is great like Pam says. They don’t like it when we are not willing to play their “game”.
You know what else I found that works? Speaking very very softly but firmly, sometimes right into their ears. You hurt mommy now you go into time out/lose that toy/leave your treat here. They have to get quiet enough to hear you. No yelling needed, just firmness.
No caving. No options. You are not a mean rotten mom if you enforce rules to raise a compassionate child. Get over that feeling now. Kids can spend their whole lives trying to manipulate us if we allow them to go down that road. I cringe when I see parents who let their kids walk all over them. It’s not good for either of them. In the end, kids find out who loves them the most, who supports them always, and they come to appreciate and respect their parents when they grow up with boundaries. It took my daughter to have her first kid at 18 to figure that out and my son until he was in his 20’s. Hopefully, it won’t take yours as long! LOL!
We learn to be parents as the kids grow. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’ll figure it out.
Parenting is hard no doubt, but oh, the heart-expanding love is the greatest reward ever.
Hey girl- not quite ther with mine yet, but dreading it. She already laughs at me when I tell her no on anything- or else bursts into hysterical tears. Awesome. My aunt is a pediatric nurse and so she is an amazing resource for me- I know having dr. B is also for you. My aunt told me to get the book series By Louise Bates Ames. Ther is a book for each year, 2 year old book is called “Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender”. They are hella old,, but the info is still great. You can still get them on amazon. Praying for patience for all of us mommies, and for strength to love our babies through their stink.
Instead of crying, my blood boils, my heart rate skyrockets, and I cannot even look at my kid during a terrible tantrum like that! Happened about 3x last week. And every day before dinner. Sigh. Overstimulating might have been a factor since she was in a new place. Happened to us at the zoo. At the mall. Ugh. I’m learning to take deep breaths, not only for my son’s sake, but also for my own health! You are brave to be so open – tks!
Just saw this and…well, I have nothing new to offer except that, yes, this too shall pass. Oh, and: I’m a firm believer that consistency works. How _long_ that consistency has to be, well, consistent depends on the kid, I think, but it worked for us. There were a few times there when I started to weaken, when I thought,
“Eh, just once I won’t call her out on it/highlight that she broke the rule/make both of us leave this store.”
But then I didn’t weaken and I swear it was better for both of us, even if I was more exhausted than ever before in my life. (Case in point: The time I had to abandon two just-paid-for lunches in the food court and shove a screaming Aura under one arm while I balanced my stupid shopping bags in the other. I think I pulled a muscle and Aura deafened half the mall population. It was awful but I still don’t regret it.)
Don’t worry too much, if that’s possible. Mazzy is a sweet little doll, hitting or not. Also, she will be three soon, and then four. Both of which are far, far from two years old.
In the meantime, that ice cream in the freezer is trying to get your attention. You know precisely which container I mean.
Parenting breaks me on a pretty regular basis. In large part because of the hitting. My son hits. It’s his “I’m frustrated” thing. No amount of calmly saying “no hitting” works. And the more frustrated he gets that he’s not getting his way, the more he hits. Only his dad and me, thankfully, noone at daycare or teachers, but still.
We’ve had some small amount of luck with holding his hands while saying “I won’t let you hit me” until he says he won’t hit again.
And we do the timeout thing. In public, in the house, wherever we are, if he’s being a terror and hitting, he gets a timeout.
Who knows if it’s doing anything though.
Hitting was the thing that finally made me lose my cool and yell. I was convinced I was not going to yell at my kid because I wanted to be that together mom who handles tempers and tornadoes with the same calm attitude. Fuck it. I turned shouty and now Noah yells for fun too. I don’t want to admit to my husband that he learned his new yelling for fun thing from Mommy losing her shit at him for whacking. Yelling didn’t work of course, and now I have a toddler who hits AND yells.
Sigh. I wish time-outs worked on Noah. He loves them. Thinks they are the best game ever. Doesn’t matter how unpleasant we make it he hits and then hopefully asks “time-out?”
And I wish my husband was as 100% as yours. A distracted “yeah, go to your room” does not work on a two-year old.
I agree. The only thing that has worked for us is asking our 2 1/2-year-old to say sorry. I was surprised that it worked but it did. We are also trying to stop screwing around with each other (butt-smacking, play-fighting)…
“The only thing worse than your daughter smacking you with a shit-eating grin on her face, is doing it while making full eye-contact”
That sends me over the edge every time. The outright defiance is MADDENING! Sorry you’re dealing with this.
I’m a “leaver” too. Full cart of groceries? I don’t care. It can sit in the aisle and somebody else can put it away. I have to leave because I am a crier and when I get frustrated that is exactly what I do. Parenting is very difficult, but you’re doing a great job. I hope crying was a good release for you.
I’m way late reading this, Ilana, as i was on vacation last week, but I just wanted to tell you that I can empathize. Or commiserate. Or both. Whatever. The point is, Vivian has been a handful lately too, and I’ve been questioning the hell out of my parenting skills. Especially when I lose my temper and yell at her – which does no good for me either, BTW, and actually only worsens her behavior. And it didn’t help that I was on vacation last week with my kindergarten teacher mom, who’s like the Toddler Whisperer. Vivian listened to her obediently and then would turn on me with that shit-eating grin you mentioned. It was maddening. It IS maddening. And I’ve totally been feeling broken, too.
I know that offers no help or advice whatsoever. I just wanted to tell you, “I get it.”
My 2 y/o hits in a pretty clear, “What are you gonna do about it, Mama?” way. I would laugh but it is just SO annoying. For our kiddo, it’s either a communication gap or attention-seeking.
If it’s communication, we give him the words and tell him to try again. If it’s attention-seeking, we ignore it and then look for ways to give him feedback on the right behaviors as soon as we can.
Everyone needs a Dr. B in their life.
yes, i must try this too 🙂
I agree with the “going to the car if you can’t behave” when you’re out shopping. And you’d be surprised at how nice the clerks are when you ask them to watch the things you’ve been shopping for until you get back….
My 16 month old girl started smacking me (and sometimes my husband) a month or two ago. And let me tell you it breaks my heart. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before.
I read the Dr. B stuff regarding this issue but I had to follow the link just to get some empathy from your initial post and thank you for sharing this.
Needed to hear I’m not the only one.
[…] think she’s only seen me cry once before but it was out of frustration WITH HER, so this was very different. And back then, she was too […]
I just came across this post doing a web search for toddler hitting… Your post (and many of the comments) helped me more than you will ever know. It helped me realize that I’m not alone in this, and I’m also not the only one who has broken down and cried, felt like I lost all control, and could love a little someone so much (yet not like them at the same time). Our 3-year old has been hitting terribly for the past few months. It really started after some major life changes – she has a new little brother and started preschool all in the same week. It’s heartbreaking that I seem to be her main target for all the abuse, and it’s so hard. I mean, I’m glad that she’s not displaying this aggressive behavior across the board, but it’s difficult that it’s only her momma that gets the bad behavior. Although the last few weeks she’s been acting a little more aggressive with my husband (her dad) and my mother (her grandma). Time outs don’t work, talking doesn’t work, nothing seems to be working. To add to the situation, she has a speech delay but is in therapy for it… and her therapists all say “it’s a phase”. Well, this phase isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse… and it seriously escalated after I went back to work from maternity leave! Since it’s been a few years since you made this post, can you tell me how long this lasted with your daughter??