“Argument of the Week” is a new series written by Brenna Jennings. It will feature the daily domestic battles she gets into with her husband Steve, which I guarantee will sound very familiar. Except Brenna is probably better at resolving them. At least she’s better than me.
The SCENE:
It’s the morning after I’ve prepared a delicious dinner for my husband Steve and our seven-year-old daughter, probably made of locally sourced/organic/non-GMO/sustainable/humane ingredients that my child poked with a fork, smothered in ketchup and then mimicked vomiting over before asking, “How many bites until I get dessert?”
I cook, Steve cleans. Whether I’ve spent two hours over homemade sauce and meatballs or two minutes looking for the “Frozen Pizza” setting on the toaster oven, he’ll take care of the mess without being asked.
Except.
Except that he always neglects the hand washing. Baking pans sit like half-sunken ships jutting from the sink. Heavy, enameled pots soak while he pretends not to see them and I resent his pretending not to see them but not enough to wash them myself. This game of Kitchen Chicken can last days as pans pile up on top of pans and pots fill with other pots and I end up snorkeling to find the silverware.
I’m not sure where he draws the line in his husband-brain about what is and isn’t covered in the after dinner agreement; the plate that only I ate from gets loaded into the dishwasher, but the enameled pot that perfectly browned the family roast lingers. Maybe he has something against French crockery.
Eventually I wash whatever sits. I scrub the pans and soap the pots, and quietly seethe that in addition to the time spent at the stove I’m now hunched over the sink, and it’s not like I don’t have to also get to work and get a kid out the door for school and oh, it must be so nice to only have to pack lunch for yourself before breezing out the door toting the delicious leftovers that were the product of these neglected pots and leaving this hideous food-reef behind in the sink, and by the time I’m done washing I’m in a literal and figurative lather.
Sometimes I fantasize about setting what he ignores on his side of the bed, still wet and greasy, or reheating what I scrape off to hand over on a plate the next time he wants to know what we have for dinner. But because I don’t want to end up on Snapped, I fill the one remaining clean wine glass and consider a more rational strategy.
The Confrontation:
One thing I’ve learned in my years as a wife is that listing all the housework I personally accomplish never leads to a productive discussion. Instead, when Steve comes home from work I let him settle in for a bit, and hoping I’ve sat with the frustration long enough that my tone of voice is even, say something like, “Honey, when you do the dinner dishes I really need you to empty the sink so I don’t have to do it in the morning rush.” It goes over much better than the unintelligible screaming I’ve done in my head all day. Note this also works when dealing with your children.
“I hate those pots. They weigh a ton, they take up the whole freaking sink and they’re a pain in the ass. I don’t understand why everything is dirty whenever you cook. I’m not leaving them there to annoy you, Hon, I’m just putting them off. Half the time they need to soak anyway.”
The resolution:
Steve thinks I often cook with too many pots, so I’ve agreed to do more in the slow cooker, and to only use more than two pans once a week. He’s going to help by suggesting simpler meals—and hold onto your spatulas—he’s going to cook a few times a month.
Communication and compromise are almost always the means toward peaceful resolution, and as a bonus, no one ends up with old chicken on their pillow (besides, you know who’d end up washing the sheets). Do you struggle with the division of labor? Just plain bad habits? Tell us what you’re up against.
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Read more from Brenna Jennings on Suburban Snapshots.
Oh! My! Gosh! Our house to a tee. The division of household labor is most definitely not equitable in our home. We have three kids under 6 – and I handle all the kid-related stuff, plus all of the housework, plus all of the outside housework too. Oh… did I mention I work a full time job, run a non-profit, and have two side businesses as well? Now, my husband does have a nice job that pays almost double what mine does, but we still split the bills and whatnot soooo… so what I’ve started doing is shifting some things off to him in a relatively sneaky manner. I hate and suck at shopping (please don’t revoke my female card for admitting to that though). So I make him do all the shopping. I even sneak birthday shopping in on him – like “Oh, we have so-and-so’s birthday this weekend – can you pick up something from TRU for a 3 year old girl who likes Doc McStuffins?” And I make him take out the trash, change the really nasty blow out diapers and kill ALL spiders. He earns back his lazy by killing spiders. Seriously!
I thought you were going to say in order to cut back on the pots and pans used during cooking you decided to buy a $4,000 Thermomix so everything cooks in one pot haha!
I receive the “it’s soaking” line, I would say frequently but that would mean he helps with dishes frequently, so that’s not the right word. Its code for, I know you are OCD and if I “soak” these and they are there in the morning you will wash them yourself.
I am, although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, fortunate enough to stay home with our 2 year old (and one on the way) instead of working. I feel like it is my job to not only look after her but to clean an entire 4 bedroom house by myself since I am home all day. That doesn’t ever make it alright to continually push garbage into the bin like a human trash compactor making it impossible to remove the bag later or “soak” the dishes! I have lucked out in one department. He watched a documentary about how changing the cat littler during pregnancy is dangerous and boom, no more cat litter on my cleaning schedule!
What is this magical Thermomix you speak of?!
Are they not in the US?!? (I’m originally from the US, I have lived in Australia for the past 5 years). They are all the rage here. They are ridiculously expensive kitchen gadgets. It is one machine that will chop, steam, blend, puree, bake, etc. all for the low low price of about $2,000.00AUD. There are even dedicated Thermomix cookbooks. They are sold by “consultants” and they make limited edition models that are different colours, you can even personalise them with different stick on decals. It’s out of control. I don’t own one because i’m broke, but I just imagine you can dump all the ingredients in the one dish, eggshell and all, and a cake magically appears already frosted or something.
I work full time and also study part time. My husband works 80% full-time equivalent. We have 2 kids. I think we share the work in and out of the home fairly evenly. I do the lion’s share of the cooking, he mows and whippersnips the lawn.. I unpack the dishwasher, he packs it. I clean the toilets, he puts the wheelie bins out. We share the laundry duties because neither of us really likes doing it, but does a bit more than me. Slowly roping the kids into helping with the chores. We have one main point of contention – i am happy to cook, but I really hate DECIDING what to cook. By the end of the day, I get serious “Decision Fatigue” due to the nature of my job, and trying to decide what to make for dinner just does me in. (AKA. I end up hiding in the pantry, sobbing “I don’t know!!”). We need to have division of labour or otherwise we would both be too exhausted to actually spend quality time as husband and wife.
This is just this side of obsessive, but I work full time, have 4 kids, and am taking grad school classes. My husband is a picky eater who complains about eating the same thing too often (*GASP* chicken TWO nights in a row!). I sat down and made a list of the meals we all enjoy, then arranged them into 5 weeks of meals. I wrote the groceries needed for each week. We now eat the same 5 week rotation of meals continuously. Its not exactly exciting to the chef, but it ensures that very little brain power is needed to accomplish dinner. Every week has 1 Sunday dinner, 1 Italian, 1 Mexican, 1 crockpot, 1 15 min meal, and 1 “other.” Pizza (or other take out) is one day a week too.
One of my favourite Baby Blues comics, Datryl sitting on couch and Wanda comes into the room after seeing dishes in the sink.
Wanda: I thought you were going to wash the lasagna pan?
Darryl: I’m letting it soak. If I leave it in the sink long enough, it will take almost no effort on my part to get it clean.
Wanda: Oh for Pete’s sake, I’ll do it myself!
Darryl (thinks): Told ya!
Lol!!!!
Accurate!
This is great and really enjoyed reading not only Brenna’s but the replies as well! I hate doing dishes especially when my husband has them up so high it seems impossible. I do enjoy when we cook and clean together. If he is cooking I’ll try and do the dishes to have an empty sink for more dishes. Or while dinner is on the stove he is cleaning dishes while I dry. Definitely does not happen all the time but when it does we are both happy!
Oh my goodness!! Our argument exactly! I am so tired of everything needing to “soak” until I need to use the sink the next morning!
We also struggle with watering the yard and potted plants – can you help with that one?? He says he’ll do it but at what point can I trust him to do it without the plants dying?!?! We lost quite a few plants this summer so we’ll need a new strategy next spring…
Yes! I totally get this. My husband is the stay-at-home dad and I’m the one who does the dishes. But because he was a professional cook before he stayed at home, he still treats our house as if we have a paid dishwasher. So he frequently uses three or four pots per meal, not including things like strainers and baking dishes. These tend to take forever to clean. I am willing to do them by hand, but in the occasional times that he’s extremely kind and does the dishes for me, he completely ignores the pans as well. He also tends to skip wiping down the counter and oven. It’s as if filling the dishwasher alone means that the kitchen duties are done.