If you know a mother of twins, chances are, at some point, she has uttered the following words:
"You think having one is hard, try having TWO."
Then you are left to feel like a total jackass for being overwhelmed by the simple task of keeping alive a single human being.
Well, my friend Nicole (aka Ninja Mom) is guest posting today so that she can clear up this common misconception. She's here to tell you— moms of twins are FULL OF SHIT. Yep, they've been riding the "twins are SO HARD" sympathy train for far too long.
Nicole's got twins, the matching set of girls pictured up top, so we can trust her when she says, "Don't feel bad for ME. You're the one who's SCREWED".
Allow her to explain why having kids is easier when you birth them in pairs...
Scene: You're in a crowded grocery store. You see a mother struggling to haul two baby car seats through the door. Stray sweaty hairs are slicked to her cheeks and forehead. There's an open diaper bag, precariously close to spilling two-babies worth of supplies at her feet. Her eyes seem frantic; her breathing is rapid and shallow. You're worried for her well-being.
Sure, she squeezed two humans out of her hoo-ha (or her incised abdomen), and sure, I may have dropped the babies on their heads—I mean "she" may have!—when she was still trying to breastfeed them both at the same time (go ahead, picture it). But a day will come when she will see you, mother of singletons, at a park playing the Malificent to her child’s Sleeping Beauty, and twin mom will hide a chuckle beneath her hand because the secret to happy parenting is having them in pairs.
Don’t believe me? A little pro con list ought to set you straight.
Grocery Shopping, Twins vs. Singleton
Everyone stops baby mommas at the store to coo over their finally snoozing baby. But infant twins solicit something infant singletons do not. Help. Your cute singleton will be loved and admired by old ladies, cashiers, and mothers who’ve just had their tubes tied. But when you have twins, these same people will also load your groceries into your car. You poor dear, you’ve got your hands full!
Tantrums, Twins vs. Singleton
So, you’ve got yourself a walking, talking, tantrum throwing toddler. When he’s facedown on the Walmart floor screaming for a cookie, people will tsk, tsk and shake their heads. Unless you have twins. When you have one twin on the floor and the other is sitting quietly with his hands and feet to himself, they will assume it’s the kid, not you. After all, you have one trained like a monkey, the other must be defective.
Playtime, Twins vs. Singletons
You like playing hide and seek? No? How about Candyland? Make-believe? Legos? Watching Calliou? Of course, you don’t. Only deranged adults and other children enjoy these things. And that’s exactly what twins are. Other children. So when your singleton has you pretending to be the Man in the Yellow Hat, there’s a mom of multiples somewhere making that kid’s twin do it.
Potty Training, Twins vs. Singleton
When your singleton four-year-old is still having accidents, people assume you, mom, are doing something wrong. When it’s a twin, chances are they look a lot younger than their chronological age and, hey, no one needs to know your diaper-wearing teenagers aren't wittle babies anymore.
Volunteerism, Twins vs. Singletons
Of course you can’t do it all, twin mom! Why, you must be busy as a bee making two lunches, laundering two sets of clothes, helping with two sets of homework. The PTA understands that you simply can’t find the time to volunteer. That’s what the moms of singletons are for! (And if you do volunteer, twin mom, well, you’re just awesomesauce, aren’t you?)
The moral of the story is that if you want your parenting life to go more smoothly (not counting the need to cart twice as many things, buy twice as many toys, and remember twice as many social security numbers)—have twins!
Or test it out by borrowing a friend’s kid that could pass for your kid's double. Then skip the under-eye concealer. Make like you’re exhausted and beleaguered. Watch the sympathy roll in!
It’s practically a cake walk. Albeit one where you have two college funds, two sets of crooked teeth in need of braces, two school trips to pay for...
...and eventually two tween girls that will get their period at once.
I assume all my delusional BS will be out the window once the tandem PMS starts. So, let me have my moment, singleton moms. You can laugh at me in ten years when I’m crying in the tampon aisle loading super-sized bottles of Midol into my cart.
Read more from Nicole on Ninja Mom.