11/04/10
Parental Tweet
You know you have too many
kids when you go to the grocery
store to pee in peace.
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kids when you go to the grocery
store to pee in peace.
10/28/10
Parental Tweet
My son wants to dress as Mario
for Halloween, but after the wig
and mustache he's basically a little
Ron Jeremy.
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for Halloween, but after the wig
and mustache he's basically a little
Ron Jeremy.
10/26/10
Parental Tweet
In lieu of a haunted house, we
are opening up our apartment to
suburban kids to show them the size
of a NYC kitchen. Much scarier.
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are opening up our apartment to
suburban kids to show them the size
of a NYC kitchen. Much scarier.
10/25/10
Parental Tweet
You know where the blood
comes from on Halloween? It
comes from the the fingers of mothers
who sewed their kids ...
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comes from on Halloween? It
comes from the the fingers of mothers
who sewed their kids ...
10/13/10
Parental Tweet
Heard enough toddler screaming
this evening to last a lifetime.
Made video to use as birth control.
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this evening to last a lifetime.
Made video to use as birth control.
10/04/10
Parental Tweet
My son went potty by himself
for the first time and it looks
like a blind man baked a chocolate
cake in the ...
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for the first time and it looks
like a blind man baked a chocolate
cake in the ...
09/30/10
Parental Tweet
You can't spell cruel motherfucker
without Elmo.
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without Elmo.
09/20/10
Parental Tweet
Heaven may be a place
on earth but so is hell.
It's called carpool.
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on earth but so is hell.
It's called carpool.
09/14/10
Parental Tweet
The diaper bag just displaced
my purse in the carry-on bag
hierarchy. Transition to mother is
complete.
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my purse in the carry-on bag
hierarchy. Transition to mother is
complete.
09/09/10
Parental Tweet
Going out to eat is much
easier now that my daughter
is big enough for the high chair.
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easier now that my daughter
is big enough for the high chair.
09/02/10
Parental Tweet
Wife was late coming home
and my mind reeled with the
possibilities.
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and my mind reeled with the
possibilities.
08/30/10
Parental Tweet
Next time someone asks
you when you are going to
have another one, say as soon
as the first ...
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you when you are going to
have another one, say as soon
as the first ...
08/26/10
Parental Tweet
Parties have changed since
we all started bringing our kids.
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we all started bringing our kids.
08/23/10
Parental Tweet
The 1st rule of Toddler Club
is you never talk about Toddler
Club unless you have all day because
holy shit ...
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is you never talk about Toddler
Club unless you have all day because
holy shit ...