This is an excerpt from Doug Moe‘s hilarious new book, Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting, which also includes sections like, “Playing Dress-up with Dignity” and “Is it Okay to Bring my Baby to a Bar?” Allie and I were both dying laughing reading through it while we tried to narrow down which excerpt to share. I think it would make the perfect Father’s Day gift for a new dad!
How to Talk to People about Your Baby When They Don’t Want to Anymore
You used to hate it when people went on and on about their babies, so you get it. But these dummies don’t know how interesting your baby is. No one wanted to hear about you favorite podcast, The Banana Brothers, either, but now they won’t stop singing the theme song. People don’t always know what’s good for them. How do you keep them up to date when they don’t really want to be?
1) Pretend to Care about their boring pet/older kid/band
Sometimes, the only way to get to talk about your baby is to listen first. You don’t have to listen too much, just long enough to use whatever they say to segue into your baby talk.
Them: My dog’s been losing a lot of weight lately, and the vet says that we need to put him on heartworm medication…
You: Oh, my baby Stella doesn’t need heartworm medication, thank God. But she’s a great eater!
2) Feed them a cute sandwich
CUTE-BORING-CUTE works better than CUTE-BORING-BORING-BORING-CUTE. Offer up something cute, then comething boring you want to talk about, then something cute. Before they know that they’re getting a BORING, they’ve already swallowed the whole sandwich.
CUTE: Stella loves our cat Barney.
BORING: I can’t believe how expensive diapers are. It’s almost impossible to figure out what brand is best.
CUTE: She keeps grabbing her toes!
3) No explanation, Just Start
Just start talking, launching into your story quickly so as to catch a listeneer off guard. Before they know why you are talking, you are done.
Them: Did you say a large coffee?
You: Stella has the biggest poos!
4) Play the “New Dad” Card
Preface your story by saying how great it is to be a dad today, now that we are able to show emotion and be vulnerable; then nobody can stop you.
Them: I need you to email those PDFs tonight because I have to leave early tomorrow to visit my parents in Connecticut.
You: My dad never told me he loved me, so now I tell my baby every day.
5) “Accidentally” Wear something with baby throw up on it
Clean clothes are for people who don’t want to talk about their babies. By “accidentally” wearing a shirt with a little baby throw up on it, you’re helping people to remember to talk about yur baby without having to make the request.
Them: Hey, you have a little something on your shirt there-
You: That must be from Stella! I coulnd’t believe how silly she was being, and I guess I got a little too rambunctious with her right after she has her sox o’clock bottle. You see, every night…
Soon enough, you’ll be boring people with your stories of your cute toddler.
If you’d like to purchase Man Vs. Child, click here.
Doug Moe is an actor, writer and comedian living in Brooklyn, New York, the epicenter of the artisanal mustache renaissance. He’s been a longtime performer and instructor at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. On TV, you’ve maybe seen him in “Inside Amy Schumer,” “30 Rock” or “Difficult People,” among other places. He writes funny things besides his book, such as his blog about being a dad at Man Vs Child.