This year has been a difficult one for me, blog-wise. It’s been a difficult one for me kid-wise, too. Those two things probably meet in the middle somewhere. One of the the biggest issues I’ve had is how to write about Mazzy. Yes, it’s because she’s getting older and I want to respect her privacy, but also because bigger kids, bigger problems, you know?
This year, Mazzy was in third grade. Third grade, it turns out, is a huge growth year in school. They go from doing addition to doing long division and fractions, all in the span of one year. This was the year she started getting real homework, the year she got her first standardized tests, the year she had required recorder practice at home and the year she got access to the school web portal to log in and complete class assignments on her own.
Let’s just say— it was not an easy transition for her. She hated homework, wasn’t into reading and really came down on herself hard when she found herself struggling with math. It wasn’t such a problem that the school alerted us to anything wrong, but it was definitely a problem at home. We would get into huge fights about her doing her homework every night and then she’d want me to hold her hand through her math assignment the entire time, battling with me along the way, whenever she couldn’t figure out a problem.
Mazzy’s math homework was usually a page from a book called Simple Solutions, which has twenty questions on a page, each one completely different. One is an addition problem, followed by a geometry question, then a word problem dealing with dollars and cents and then a question about time. If the questions were all about one specific thing (like, let’s say, subtracting triple digits), I could have helped her on the first one and then she could have practiced the same skill over and over for the rest of the page. But no, each one posed a completely different problem, forcing her to confront all the things she didn’t know over and over again.
The reason for this, I now know, is because memorizing math functions isn’t nearly as useful as understanding what the problem is asking you to do. Also, if Mazzy was paying attention in class, she should have been able to complete her problems without my help. And, if she didn’t know something, leaving a question mark was a totally acceptable way to inform her teacher that this was something that she needed extra help with. The teachers did not want or expect the parents to help.
Still, I’m Mazzy’s mom and it was difficult to watch her struggle. If I could help her at home, then maybe she would do better in school, right? And then she’d know how to do it the next night without as many issues?
Well, there are a few problems with this. 1) Math is taught totally different to kids now than it was taught to me and I didn’t want to give her strategies that might confuse her. 2) Helping her figure out the answers one night, did not seem to help her figure out the very same skills the next night. It just made her more dependent on my help. And 3) the more I helped, the more fights we got into when I felt she wasn’t paying attention. And she was almost NEVER paying attention.
The evenings, the only quality time I had with my daughter after school and before bed on the weekdays, became a complete disaster. Every second was a fight to do her homework and then we’d have one battle after another until she completed it. Once that was over, we had to convince her to do reading and recorder, and then it was bed time, to which we would always get— “NO!!!!!! I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO PLAY!!!!”
It was awful. I felt terrible for her. And after talking to friends with kids who did not have the same struggles, it seemed totally unfair that this was now the basis of our interactions. It’s much easier for a kid and a parent to get along if that kid dutifully does their math homework in a short amount of time without issue!
Mike said I needed to be less involved with helping her because it was hurting our relationship. But when I tried to pull back, Mazzy would come down on herself really hard. It was heartbreaking. I was left feeling unsure of whether she was sincerely feeling these things about herself or if this was just very effective manipulation on her part. I bought the book Mindset, which talks all about the “fixed mindset” verses the “growth mindset.” Basically, it recommends commending kids for their effort and hard work over telling kids that they are smart. Seems obvious, but there are a lot of ways I was feeding into the fixed mindset that I didn’t realize. And Mazzy’s behavior seemed pretty textbook as a result. I remember someone showing me a blog post back when Mazzy was a toddler about how parents shouldn’t use words like “good job” or “you’re so smart!” I scoffed at it at the time, but now I was seeing the consequences of everything I had communicated incorrectly.
Another issue we were having in the evenings is that Mazzy was requiring so much of my attention that Harlow would get upset. Keep in mind, we live in a small NYC apartment, so figuring out a quiet space to do homework and a separate place for daddy to have fun with Harlow is nearly impossible. Mazzy would get distracted and jealous. Harlow would get needy and demanding. I used to think getting them to eat vegetables at dinner was hard— navigating homework time was SO MUCH WORSE.
I decided to contact the school to see what I could do to help the situation. Was Mazzy’s homework too challenging? Was I doing something wrong? Was Mazzy having an issue that required more serious intervention?
It was still pretty early in the year and her teacher didn’t seem overly concerned in any other areas but math. She had noticed that Mazzy was behind the other kids and much slower to pick up on the new material because she didn’t have the foundations or basics down. It seemed to me that Mazzy was learning everything for the first time, but according to the teacher, she had learned the basics in previous years, she just had never brought it home and for whatever reason, it didn’t sink in.
I decided the best course of action was to get Mazzy a math tutor. The school helped me find one and she came once a week. Mazzy hated the math tutor, obviously, and would hide under my bed when she came. But, when I forced her out of my room to work with her, Mazzy was on her best behavior and they worked together very calmly and efficiently. It was a nice little window into how she must behave at school, with people other than her mother giving instruction. At the beginning of their session, the tutor would go through Mazzy’s math homework with her, so ‘math tutor days’ felt like a relief to me. She wouldn’t have to do her homework later that evening and we could actually have some nice quality time together.
After just three weeks of the tutor, I noticed a huge jump in Mazzy’s confidence level. Her teacher noticed too. She was paying attention more attention in class and even raising her hand occasionally. We both agreed that Mazzy had just been totally lost those first few months of school and really needed the one-on-one attention.
After a few more sessions with the tutor, Mazzy and I started to battle less about homework. She could do more problems on her own and was confident putting a question mark when she felt she hadn’t learned something yet. Don’t get me wrong— there were still fights, but they weren’t nearly as dramatic. Once we convinced her to sit down and do her work, she could get through a lot of it on her own. She also started doing her math homework between school and her after school activities, when time allowed, which freed up more play time later in the evenings.
In terms of her self-esteem, I would do things like give her a stack of quarters and tell her she had to give me one back, each time she put herself down. That was very effective. I also tried my best to follow Mindset’s rules of commending her for working extra hard instead of for getting the right answers.
Mid-year, I went to a math seminar at the school which was very interesting. At the time, Mazzy was still complaining about being slower than some of the other kids at school when it came to figuring out the problems. Or she would get really mad when she arrived at the incorrect answer. The speaker emphasized that the math skills that are valuable now aren’t the same as the ones that were valuable when we were growing up. Anyone can use a calculator or a computer for speed and accuracy. What’s more important is understanding the underlying concepts and knowing what to do with the numbers presented. That was helpful because the next time Mazzy came down on herself for getting something wrong, I was able to point to her paper and say— that’s why your teacher wants you to show your work. Your process was correct, even if you made a mistake in the calculation. Process is more important.
Speed forward to a month or so ago, Mazzy was once again fighting me about the math teacher coming. But this time, instead of saying she didn’t want to do it, she was saying that she didn’t think she needed her anymore. I talked to Mazzy’s teacher and she agreed. Mazzy had made a ton of progress and was not only caught up, but maybe even a little bit ahead.
It was so amazing being able to go to Mazzy and tell her that I had spoken to her teacher and we agreed that her math tutor wasn’t necessary anymore. Not only did it feel like a relief and a reward for Mazzy, it also played perfectly into everything I had learned about the growth mindset. Mazzy now had the experience of having to work extra hard to catch up in class and that hard work pay off. It was not about her being smart or good at math. It was about putting in the work to achieve something.
As someone who always skated by pretty easily, but never really excelled in anything when I was in school, I believe this third grade math struggle was actually the best thing that could have happened in terms of future growth.
I am so proud of Mazzy. She worked hard.
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NOTE: Obviously, this is easy to write about now, because we have a happy ending. And the insight to know that if Mazzy starts struggling again, getting a tutor is very effective. If this had gone differently and there was a more serious issue, I’m not sure how or if I would have addressed it. One of the reasons I started the “Remarkably Average Parenting” group is so I (and all the members!) can have a place to ask questions and get advice in real time, in a much less public way than on my blog.
What has your experience been with homework, math struggles, or third grade in general? Please share in the comments!
My oldest is also in 3rd grade, and I feel like I could have written parts of this WORD FOR WORD. I understand why math is taught differently now, but sometimes I wish homework was ALSO just some repetitive calculations–just to get that part down too AFTER the process is taught.
Third grade, man. tough stuff.
We are in 3rd grade too and had a VERY similar experience…. like word for word!!! And math was the struggle and we got a tutor (actually the math teacher offered afterschool tutoring) and it helped not only her confidence but also her problem solving skills. It made a huge difference for a small investment.
Good job mama for advocating for your child!!!
I’m an early childhood teacher yet my son struggled in reading in first grade. (A crucial year in reading advancement) He would fight me tooth and nail. Fast forward to 2nd grade he’s behind. I’m lucky I have a local university. I went to the reading clinic. Had him tested and he attended the clinic for 2 years. He needed that tlc and didn’t want his mommy in teacher role. Btw he had an MBA by 24. I’m grateful I had the resources to give him what he needed. So many parents don’t.
First of all, thanks so much for your honest and “real talk” blog post. I love your sponsored posts, along with trips and other fun stuff you’re up to but adding these in are awesome. My oldest is younger than Mazzy but reading your experiences are a great peek into the future and letting me know what may lie ahead.
Also, I love the average parenting FB group!! What an amazing group of parents! Always so supportive.
It’s such a relief to read this! We just made the decision to have my oldest repeat kindergarten and I felt like my kid was the only one struggling. I know we made the right decision when I hear how tough even third grade is now! I’m so glad y’all worked through it. We didn’t talk much with my kindergartener about her struggles (thankfully she’s fairly oblivious at this age) but I’m filing away the advice on talking about hard work and not just results.
You did the right thing!! Don’t stress kindergarten. You are really giving her the opportunity to develope at her speed. She’s going have so much good self esteem bc it will be more like a review for her that she can only improve on!
This is crazy!!!! My daughter’s 3rd grade year was exactly the same. Even her little sis felt left out bc I had to help my daughter do her HW just like you. I’m so glad I’m not alone but so sorry we have to deal with this. We’re getting a tutor this summer. I hate that my daughter could barely master a concept before they jumped around to something else. Also she bombed her stupid standardized test but did awsome on literature. I hate these tests!! My daughter was stressed out over it too. 9 years old people!!
Thank you for sharing this. My niece is having the same problem with her daughter. I have shown her this blog and she is now going to follow your advice and speak to the teacher about a tutor and other advice she may have. She is also now following you on YouTube. You make more fans daily. Keep up the good work.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I know you mentioned you are struggling with what to add to your blog, but you can see from the comments that people are connecting to even something that isn’t sunshine and roses! Hopefully as your girls age, you will be able to work together on what they feel comfortable with you putting out on the internet and even give their own voice to some topics. Also, my son is entering 3rd grade in the Fall and I had no idea it was a struggle grade for some kids! I can hopefully be a little more proactive with him this summer now…
This, all of this, is why I am so grateful that many of the teachers in our school district have bought into the research that homework doesn’t really help children learn. The only homework my children (just finishing 5th and 8th grade) have now besides reading is stuff they didn’t finish in class or work for projects (just my 8th grader). Even project work is mostly done during class. Sending a kid home with work and hoping the parents are explaining it the same way they hear it in class is such a silly concept. It becomes just busy work. The only homework a child in elementary school should have is reading every night and working on math facts (addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division). Also, don’t even get me started on jumping around and touching every concept in math. It is a horrible way to teach certain kids.
And, I’m glad you figured out that homework should be done as close to right after school as possible. That has been the rule at our house since the oldest was in first grade. It is so much easier to keep the learning going than to try to get them to get back to work after activities and supper.
No, she never interrupted during the tutor session. They are both remarkably well behaved around teachers and instructors. She always interrupts when I am doing homework with Mazzy though!
I love this story. You handled it perfectly, arguments and all! Parenting is a challenge, and figuring out how to parent through your kids’ challenges is hard! We have a ‘No-Homework’ school, but we do have something called Dream Box on the iPad, with access through our school, that is a math-based video game where kids have to accomplish some complicated math tasks but it makes it fun. It’s not required but my girls (7 and 9) both love it.
Where do you live? I dream of a no homework school for my kids.
Sounds like my mom and I when I was in 3rd 4th grade. The strategies I was shown in school didn’t match those my mother was teacheing me so we would get in to scream wars because “THAT’S NOT HOW MY TEACHER TOLD ME TO DO IT!” My mother would say I know it isn’t but you get the same answer. So now, her I am 20 yrs later having the same issues with my son. Who will be in 3rd grade, I fear the fights will get worse. Now I’m not good at math but good at communicating with my son and my husband is good at math but has trouble teaching him to where he can understand. I’m glad you all found the happy ending, And thank you for sharing, just shows me that I’m not the only one fighting over math with my kid and that’s makes me feel so much better as a parent.
Our school did a whole parent session about growth mindset as it is the technique they use in school and wanted us to be backing them up and understanding why and it was so helpful. My daughter always chirps back “the importance of yet” and I love that they are helping her appreciate that a journey to understanding is a great thing not something to be ashamed of. Having a better understanding of that mindset helped me manage my expectations of the kids which obviously helped them no end!
I have to say hats off to all you mamas doing every night homework – we have weekly spellings and they are supposed to read and practice times tables daily but other than that it is weekly conversation topics to support learning for my 7 year old and weekly maths problems OR literacy comprehension for my 9 year old. Even then the battle can be very real…
3rd grade is a challenging year in different ways. My oldest, who is now in 5th grade, had issues with homework. Fortunately, she had an awesome teacher who was patient with all his students. My current 3rd grader also had issues with math, so we got a tutor. In general, 3rd grade is a big transition. I also believe there are many emotional and physical changes children undergo during this age. So, it adds to the stress of being in 3rd grade.
Great post – thank you. For some reason the link to the book just opens Amazon for me – just me? There are lots of “mindset,” books and I don’t want to pick the wrong one!
It works for me. Try this link: https://amzn.to/2kIAf87
Way to go, Mazzy!! Emphasizing the “growth mindset” at this age is so so so important! I’m a chemistry professor and teach freshman introductory chemistry, and to say learning these skills of hard work and question interpretation over being “smart” is so invaluable. I can see a clear difference in students who are willing to put work in and learn versus memorize and repeat back information. These skills will only help her as she moves on in her schooling!
As a kindergarten-5th grade learning support teacher in PA, I have to know How to teach reading and math for all grade levels. There is a significant jump from 2nd grade reading and math to 3rd grade. We define it as moving from “learning to read” to “reading to learn” and this applies to math as the rigor of math word problems arise. Students are pushed and expected to work independently using and demonstrating 3 different processes to get to the same answer. It is definitely difficult and even as teachers, we question if we actually understand what we are teaching some days. Ultimately, we want to see students working hard and not giving up so they can carry that into the real world. Although, there is an extreme downfall to not knowing the basics. Like you explained with Mazzy, sometimes the basics are so simple but they just don’t stick. Some kids just need more time, but if there is anything that I’ve seen to be helpful to all students, it’s knowing their math facts and how number relationships work. I hope Mazzy starts 4th grade a strong confident student and props to you for supporting her success and seeking resources to help!
I have done third grade twice so far, my oldest did not have problems with grades, but, she developed anxiety
and had a rough year socially, I am glad to say with the help of counseling, she is a happy 11 year old about to start Middle School (P.S. I am totally not ready) My middle, who just finished third grade, Caelyn did so well in K-2 I thought 3rd would be a breeze, then she tested gifted in math. That’s when we found out why the other grades were a breeze, she didn’t have to try hard. She fought on homework, her grades were terrible, she was disorganized, stubborn and then to top it off, she started getting an attitude with the teacher! We took her to see a specialist, and found she has ADHD. Once we figured that out, 4th quarter was SO MUCH BETTER! All A’s and B’s, and while the attitude at home has improved a little (was told I was lucky to have a 9 year old teenager) her attitude and outlook at school was so much better! I think 3rd grade is a transition year, and we just have to try not to pull our hair out and help them through the best we can. My youngest, Christian, will start Kindergarten in August, so one more to go! Keep doing what you are doing, the kids will be great!
I need to have this growth mindset. My Third Grader son and I are in the same predicament about having to fight over homework and studying every night. Third Grader has been the hardest so far that I had to switch him to another school that had more supportive teachers and more accommodating culture to get my son to be more engaged in class work. He is a smart boy, but it seems that his motivation to learn is off.