Jews know Christmas is more fun than Hanukah. We know it, our kids know it, the Mensch on the Bench knows it. It’s a tough job to be a Jewish parent during Christmas. Although, as a kid, I distinctly remember arguing that eight presents spread out over eight days was way better than a one day windfall.
Never mind that the kids celebrating Christmas were usually getting twenty presents, half of which were found in the bike and dollhouse aisle at Toys ‘R Us while my gifts were digital clock pens and wooden faceless puppets. No joke. A wooden faceless puppet is the very first Hanukah present I can remember. My disappointment was PALPABLE.
STILL. Eight days over one!!!! If I say it often enough, it will be more believable!
Ah well, with the rise of the internet and endless amounts of holiday content and FUCK YOU PINTEREST, Jewish kids and parents now know exactly what we are missing.
But, if there is anything a combination of Jewish guilt and neuroses can give you, it’s a sense of humor. Here are a few items the Jews have come up with to humbly compete with Christmas. Buy them for our children! Buy them for our preservation! Buy them for the jokes.
1. I mean, come on. Menorasaurs are like 1000X cooler than reindeer.
2. Even babies know latkes are delicious. You probably want to get your newly born Jew a Little Latke Lover onesie.
3. If you are a Jew going to temple on Christmas, you definitely want to wear a Yamaclaus.
4. Mensch on the Bench is the Jewish answer to the current plague on our holiday season, otherwise known as the Elf on the Shelf.
5. Get your kid some Hanukah Candy Canes so she can cry when they break in her pocket just like her Christmas-celebrating friends!
6. Christmas don’t corner the market on ugly holiday sweaters. Jews can make Ugly Hanukah Sweaters too!
7. What’s that? You wouldn’t be caught dead in an ugly holiday sweater? Eat some Ugly Hanukah Sweater Cookies instead.
8. Chocolate money is one thing Hanukah does right. How about designing your own gelt to really send a message about your favorite holiday?
9. When left in the right hands at the right Hanukah party, Dreidel is basically a drinking game or a gambling game. How about literally upping the ante with No Limit Texas Dreidel?
10. Many Jews have a tradition of eating Chinese Takeout on Christmas Eve. I suggest these Hanukah Fortune Cookies for your end-of-the-meal treat. Maybe they’ll quote Mel Brooks instead of Confucius.
11. Jews also love pasta. Well, everyone loves pasta. But only members of the tribe could possibly appreciate Hanukah Pasta.
12. Spending too much time with your crazy jewish mother this Hanukah? Pack away this Happy Challah Days Flask and then hide in the bathroom.
13. After passing out next to your flask in the bathroom, wake up with a hot cup of coffee in your new Mazel Tov Bitches Mug.
14. Does Christmas own the concept of stockings hung by the fireplace? These Hanukah Stockings say otherwise.
15. You know what? Christmas doesn’t own pajamas either! Get your kids some Hanukah Jammies.
16. This Hanukah Gingerbread House even has a mezuzah on the door.
17. Your Hanukah Holiday Outfit wouldn’t be complete without these Hanukah Nail Decals.
18. And of course, if your Jewish kid is STILL upset about the lack of tree in your living room, read her a bedtime story called “Dear Santa, Love, Rachel Rosenstein” which is basically the story of my life.
There you have it. Jewish festivities a go.
Personally, my kids are really excited about the return of the Mensch on the Bench. No, not the normal size one. The 5′ Mensch on the Bench that visited us last year. Mazzy has already asked when he will be returning. Uh-oh.
Let’s hope he behaves himself better this year.