I came *this close* to screaming "SHIT!" when my family poured a bucket of ice water on me, so I am in no place to judge the two-year-old below who screams much worse.
I get it, two-year-old, I get it. It's cold!
I guess if you have a baby who can pronounce "nominate", there's a pretty good chance she's able to say a lot of other stuff too. Brace yourself because this toddler swears like a sailor…
Predictably, comments have been turned off on YouTube since this video was originally posted, with the caption now reading, "Here for comedic value, not for parental awareness. Get over it."
Parenting fail aside, this is some FUNNY SHIT.
I know I had to go through serious profanity rehab when I had kids. Even if you read my blog from the beginning, you'll notice I cursed a helluva lot more when Mazzy was six months than I do now with a four-year-old and a one-year-old at home. Kids copy everything grown-ups say and nothing sounds more interesting to repeat than a spontaneous word shouted at top volume.
I'm not judging the parents of this kid, but I will offer this handy guide for any mom or dad who likes to sprinkle their vocabulary with colorful words, but doesn't want to get their tots kicked out of preschool.
It's based on some creative curse word substitutions you guys gave me under an old swear-heavy post. Obviously, a well placed "motherf*cker" is always more effective than a half-assed "fiddlesticks", but I can't think of anything more insulting than being called a "dumpster clown".
Actually, I'd probably lock Mazzy in her room for calling someone a dumpster clown.
Parenting is hard. Cursing is an art form. Tread lightly, my friends…
Now, because we all fail at parenting sometimes, let's share the moment we heard our kids curse in the comments.
My son has said “Oh shit” before. But with his speech disorder it sounded like “Oh git”. I was the only one who knew what he was saying. There has been many times that he’s mispronounced words in ways that sound awful. Usually with a large public audience. “Wow dat cunt mells do bad”. Yes son that SKunk does smell bad. “Wook at does homos”. I see the hoBOs son. “Oh fuck mom!!!” I know a FIRETRUCK son. DoI ssnicker on the inside, yes.
Ah, how could I forget the time my oldest didn’t get a toy he wanted so he kicked the shelf at the store, screaming, “Son of a b*tch!” So glad my mother was there to witness it. Good times.
Apparently my brother learned how to swear (in context, no less) at about 2 years from our uncle who was Airborne in the Army. “Sombitch” and “Goddamnit!” were his favorites when he was angry about something. He once tried to get his shoe on, couldn’t, yelled “Sombitch!”, and threw his shoe on the ground. Needless to say, our uncle was in hot water.
Swearing toddlers is funny as hell. That is all.
I just read that one as titwaffle.
I just have to say that the main thing I noticed from your bucket challenge video was how hard you were trying not to curse. LOL. This video is hilarious.
The only problem with your (hilarious) chart is that if kids imitate these curses in their little speech impediment voices, their teachers/ other moms might still think they are trying to say “the original” which they learned at home.
Our dog peed in the house for the millionth time and I came into the room with my 2 year old daughter and said “damn it Morgan!”. For the next hour this little voice followed me around the house saying damn it Morgan, damn it. I was all I could do not to laugh out loud! Whoops
ha ha! those are some good alternatives. I was never a big time swearer. So we didn’t really have to train ourselves to cut back. However, every time my husband and I have a date night, we get in the car and start swearing up a storm, yelling at other drivers (for no reason- they can’t hear us) and just using every word we can think of. It’s strangely fun- like a kettle releasing steam or something.
This is my problem at maximum volume no less! I worry about preschool because I’m not there to translate. They must think we cuss so much. Would I sound crazy to warn the teacher?
My daughter’s Barbie’s were fighting and calling each other “fucking bitch”!!
I try hard to say, “snot and boogers!” when I’m upset in front of the kids. It makes my boys laugh every time.
my son is 6 and he hasn’t said any swear words yet….he’s very proper I guess. he tells us we’ve used a bad word when we say we ‘hate’ something.
When my daughter was (maybe?) two she got sand in her sandal. Her response? “Fuck!” and then as she was hitting the shoe to shake the sand out “fucking shoe!” Once she fell down and said shit, and once when something weird happened she said what the hell. Each time I told her that was not a word to use and she never used it again.
That video is hysterical!
My younger son, now 9, was about 5 (I think?) when we were watching tv one night and he, very conversationally, dropped an f-bomb into his sentence. I (fighting laughter) said, “What did you just say?” He happily repeated himself, absolutely unaware that f*ck was a bad word. He rarely heard it – apparently often enough to have correct usage, just not enough to know it’s not exactly appropriate!
When my daughter was 3 she started saying ‘dammit’ properly in a sentence, usually when she was frustrated with something. I’ve never laughed so hard, it was hilarious! That being said, I talked to her about it and now both of us have cleaned up our language a bit!
My son has said a few bad words, but stopped when we told him not to, but he totally gets upset when people use “bad words.” He kept telling on some kids I was babysitting for saying “what the heck?” and he’ll tell me that someone said “stupid” at school. The other day my husband said geez and our son was all “Jesus doesn’t like it when you use his name like that!”
When my son was 2, for some reason whenever he said stop, it came out as fuck. So we would be in the car and he would always say “fuck daddy”, which I would quickly correct him to say “stop daddy”. Then, one day his big sister was bugging him and he wanted her to “stop”. He got right in his dad’s face to tattle on her with the most serious face and said, “Aidan Fuck Me”, which meant, “Aidan stop bugging me”. I completely lost it, I was laughing so hard I had to leave the room.
My 2.5 year old has unfortunately picked up quite a few swear words. His first and by far his favorite is damn it. I’m guilty for saying that when I bashed my elbow on a door frame while carrying him – MONTHS ago. And just yesterday he purposely dropped his sippy cup and said “damn it!” He has also said “son of a bitch” a few times, complete with fist pump (alarming yet cute). No idea where that came from. He learned holy crap from my husband. The other day he was watching Wild Kratts on PBS and kept repeating “What the heck.” I told him we don’t say that. So he changed to “What the f*ck.” I was shocked! Later that day, he was playing with his race cars and repeatedly shouting what sounded like “f*cker!” I honestly don’t know where he heard this!
My younger daughter used to say Damn when she jumped (maybe 2 years old?). Took us FOREVER to figure out “Damn” was “Jump”.
When my oldest was a toddler we took my mother to the mall and as she was getting out of the car she hit her elbow and said, “Son of a B*tch!” My two year old in the back seat started repeating it non stop. When I said, “Mom! Listen to Lil!” She heard, “Somuvb*tch! Somuvb*tch!” and said to me, “WHAT are you TEACHING my GRAND DAUGHTER!?” I had to tell her SHE had said it and Lil was copying HER! So funny!
You wouldn’t sound crazy. I’ve brought up some of his unusual ways of pronouncing some words to my boy’s teachers. They appreciate the heads up.
Now some things you can’t prepare a teacher for. My son is also the master of the shocking comments.
I was a senior in high school when my little monster repeated “oh, shit!” In front of church because she dropped something. She clapped her hands over her mouth faster then I could react! She knew grandma yelled at that word haha… Now we BOTH were in trouble. LITTLE shit. 11 years later I still smile fondly.. 🙂
my three year old in an isle at target was sitting in the basket and overheard a customer ask an associate for a particular item. The convo went something like this..
Customer (over 50)- Do you have any more of the unsalted jars?
associate- what we have is out and I don’t believe we have anymore.
Axel (my three year old) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? (at the top of his lungs)
Me- i’ve never left an isle faster.
When my daughter was 2 or so, her duck noise (“Quack, quack”) sounded exactly like “Fuck, fuck”. Funniest thing ever!
When my oldest, Cassidy, was 18 months, I was a couple of months away from giving birth to my second daughter. We were in triage trying to stop preterm labor when Cassidy points up at the wall and yells “Clock!” Except she had trouble saying the L sound in clock. The poor nurse who was trying to insert an IV into my had had to walk away.
*into my hand*
My 18 mo th old said “da fuck?”when the nurse gave her shots
When our youngest was 6 she called my husband a “dickhead”. She had no idea what it meant and to this day we have no idea where she heard that.
I was born in Jersey and when I was about two and a half (and my brother was about 6 months old) we were going to the BIG mall and had hit traffic on our way there and when we arrived my dad had gotten me out of my car seat and placed me in the driver’s seat and went to get the stroller out of the trunk as my mom got my brother out. I was pretending to steer and out of the blue I yelled “Drive asshole drive!” My mom said she nearly dropped my brother and my dad just started laughing.
Not just as parents do we get blamed for out children’s bad words.. There is a whole world out there we can’t isolate them from where they can pick up bad language! It’s our job to enforce the habit for them not to use it! But we can’t always be there when them words come out an when they do we get the evil eye like we taught them that! Yeah when I stump my toe I let a few choice words out.. I’m human.. I have 3 children 6 7 and 9.. And my daughter picks up more words at school then home.. I’m not sayin he hasn’t picked up a few from my rants.. But I never say the c word I think it’s nasty an that’s a word she used just less then a week ago! But I will deff use this chart as reference.. To better help myself not teach my children the wrong habits
I was REALLY good about not cussing in front of the kids till we moved cross country from FL to CO. It was my bight idea to make a road trip out of it:) It was me, the girls (2 and 4) and our dog in the car, while my husband drove the uhaul. Needless to say I might have slipped a few times, cause my oldest is now cussing under her breathe several times a day 🙂
I am a doctor and had to do an uncomfortable procedure on a 3 year old. I couldn’t understand a word she said until she shouted “You stupid bitch-ass doctor, I’m gonna kick your ass!”
When I was the kid I remember the first time I dropped an F bomb in from of my Mom. It was over some surprising death or pregnancy or person who came back to life on our favorite soap opera. I don’t remember the exact scenario (OBVIOUSLY) but it was SHOCKING. ;-p
She still wasn’t very happy with me.
I feel so guilty that I don’t hold back much in the cursing department, even in from of my 8 year old son. I tell him that they are grown-up words, and he can choose to use them when he’s a grown-up. I can’t BELIEVE that is still working!
Haha I have to say I find it cute 🙂
When my oldest was not quite 2.5, he starting using “God d*&^%%% appropriately, thanks to my husband. I almost drove off the road I was laughing so hard. Then, at preschool, it came back to bite me that he overheard me. His teacher took me aside and told me he picked something up on the playground and said “What the sh*t is this?”. I couldn’t help but giggle. Then I apologized, and he and I had a nice long talk that day about what was ok. It’s totally normal for them to experiment with language. And funny as hell to hear that little girl shout that!
When my son was maybe 2, we were in Walmart and he kept picking up toys off the aisle. I kept telling him no and finally he looked at me and said “Mama Bitch”. I was so shocked I just stood there with my mouth hanging open for a second, then told him that wasn’t nice and we don’t say things like that. He looked me square in the eye and said “Daddy says it”. (we were divorced by that time). People in the aisle were rolling laughing and I couldn’t do anything except say well it’s still not nice and we don’t say that. I got out of there as fast as I could!
When I was a kid my Mother used ‘fiddlesticks’ (or ‘fiddlesticks & bows’ for particularly bad situations!) My Father used to invoke ‘the curse of the seven snotty orphans’ on things & when asked would say he didn’t know what it would do (as a reader of fantasy/magic books I knew a curse did something) but that the snottiness was what made it so bad 🙂
My baby doesn’t talk yet (though I have a fear his first word will be “fuck”). Buuuutttt when I was 2 I was having trouble putting on my sock and I yelled “oh shit” at my mom. She said ” we don’t say words like that!” To which I responded “but daddy said it in the car!”
My son had a classmate over for a playdate. When it was time for her father to collect her, he knocked at the door and my son asked who it was. I answered that it was his friends daddy, to which he replied (with a sad face) ‘oh c*ck’, very loudly. His friends father heard through the door. I was mortified! We had a conversation with my son AND my husband about appropriate language later that evening!
My favorite story involves one of my daycare kids when he was one month shy of two. I only had this family during the construction months and this was his first day back after four months gone. He was sleepily toddling down some stairs after a nap and when he stepped on the bottom rug, it slipped. He caught himself and muttered, “Fuckin’ rug” so matter-of-factly I about died laughing.
Then we went outside to play and he was standing too close to the swing that nearly hit him. He went up to his other two year old friend, put his finger in his face, and sternly threatened him, “Ahm gonna ‘pank u ass!”
Ok, after I monitored that situation, I had to walk away again as I was laughing so hard. My favorite little guy who was sweet as pie and couldn’t talk when he left, comes back swearing like a drunken sailor! (Apparently lots of time spent with construction guy daddy over the winter! lol)
This was many years ago and I still mutter “fuckin’ rug” (no matter what the thing is) or threaten to ‘pank u ass’ to my grown kids lol. And I don’t swear so…this still cracks me up.
My daughter is 6 and we manage to keep her from swearing by explaining that there are grown up words that it’s not nice for kids to say. I used to be really careful around other people’s kids when I was younger. Now that I have my own kids, I don’t really care and just hope to teach them that it’s not appropriate for them to use the words. Good example just happened. We’re on vacation and our horrible internet connection here just kicked me off of work (I had to work 1 day because I didn’t have enough PTO to cover our trip). I said Damnit. She repeated the word and asked what was wrong. I told her Damnit is a grownup word that she shouldn’t use and explained to her why I said it. She’s never said any majorly bad words before, thought when she was little, her pronunciation of truck, duck, etc. was hilariously wrong.
Oh Doctor Lisa!!! Your story has me laughing so hard and I am at work…just busted out laughing and I mean HARD from out of nowhere and my coworkers are looking at me like I am a nut case!!!
Love this story!!!
Thank you so much!
OMG!! My fav by far is juicebag!!! May just be my new favorite chart!! I think I may refer to this quite often! I have six yr. old at home and to say I have a potty mouth is an understatement. But thank god she has never really copied anything I’ve said. One time last winter we were driving past a house and out of her pretty little mouth came. MOM that’s a big ass house. I said yes it is but we don’t say that. The only other time I can think of is a Luke Bryan song we listen to he says “time to take my drunk ass home ‘ and she said I know I can’t say ass so when he says ass I say butt. Only my kid.