Yesterday, I was on an elevator with my dad when he asked a total stranger when she was due. I knew the answer before she spoke and the moment passed in slow motion with a long low "NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo" in my head.
Woman: I already had him. 20 months ago.
Dad: Oh, I thought because you—
Me: STOP TALKING.
Thanks Dad for the horrible awkward silence that followed us for the next eights floors up.
I wrote about my experience on my facebook page last night and one very astute woman named Jenica said, "It is best not to ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you actually see a baby emerging from her vagina".
That comment inspired me to make the handy guide below. I think it will help nosy/brainless men and women everywhere (sorry, Dad).