Look what I brought to Hawaii! It's Karen Alpert's book, "I Heart My Little A-Holes"! I thought it would be the perfect book to scare Mike's co-worker's away from talking to me on the beach.
Plus, if I start to miss Mazzy and Harlow while on vacation, I can just read a chapter like "Bundle of Joy My Ass" or "The Truth, the Whole Truth, and None of that Bullshit You See on Pinterest" and feel a whole lot better about my decision to leave the kids at home.
Karen, a personal friend of mine (is there any other kind?) and the blogger behind the ridiculously popular facebook page, Baby Sideburns, self-published this book last year, turned it into a New York Times bestseller on her own (that's a lot of people who can't stand their kids!) and then promptly sold the book to Harper Collins.
It's being re-released this week in hardcover with a few new chapters plus a "verrrrrry serious" book club section with questions like, "What do you call vaginas and penises in your house? Please discuss. And what words do you use for passing gas and bowel movements?"
Here are my answers:
Vaginas: Vaginas
Penises: Penises
Passing Gas: Passing Gas
Bowel Movements: Bowel Movements (just kidding, we say "pooping")
Also, I'm starting to question the "passing gas" thing because now that Mazzy is using the term herself, she sounds like an 80-year-old grandmother or something. I almost feel bad for her every time she says it because it's like I tricked her out of using the 'fun word' that all the other kids are saying. "Fart" just seems too crude though, you know?
Wow, this really does make for a riveting book club discussion! Perhaps I would actually join a book club if this is what we would be discussing!
I reviewed "I Heart My Little A-Holes" when it came out last year, so if you'd like to read why I think everyone needs a Karen Alpert in their lives, you should read "Baby Sideburns Calls Her Kids A-Holes So You Don't Have To".
For the new release, I think the best way to sell Karen's book, is by giving you Karen herself.
She's too busy though, because (DUH!) she is promoting a very important New York Times bestseller, but that doesn't mean I can't lift her words straight from her own book.
Below are five of my favorite quotes from "I Heart My Little A-Holes".
Karen Alpert on video monitors:
"I don't think it's a coincidence that my baby's eyes glow like the devil's on the video monitor. He thinks we can't see him and he's like muahahahahaha, I don't have to conceal my real identity now!"
Karen Alpert on strangers saying her daughter looks like her husband:
Random Stranger: She looks just like her daddy!
Me: Yeah, but she got my genitalia!
Karen Alpert on Mommy and Me classes:
"You know that moment when you're holding on to the parachute and walking around in a circle and all the kiddos are smiling (except for the one kid who always cries) and you're singing "Pop Goes the Weasel" and you can't help but think, WTF has my life come to?"
Karen Alpert on artwork that kids bring home from school:
Sometimes when my daughter isn't looking I bury her artwork at the bottom of the trash can. Especially when she's like, "Here. Mommy, it's a snake," and then I'm like no it's not, it's an F'ing line."
Karen Alpert on mommy friends:
"Just so you know, when I see your kids throw a temper tantrum I don't judge you. It just makes me want to be friends with you so my kids will look better."
Karen is more than a funny quote. When I got to the chapter called "A Letter to My Daughter in the Future, But None of that Sappy Crap You See on Huffpost", in which Karen brings up really tough topics in a way that will totally position her as a parent her daughter will come talk to when she is in trouble, I was like— WAIT. This is actually a really good letter that every parent should give to their daughter. Maybe remove some of the f-bombs so they don't think Tony Soprano wrote it, but valuable none the less.
FYI- I totally wrote one of the sappy letters to my daughters in the future that might or might not have been published on Huffpost. And I wrote it on Valentine's Day to make it even sappier. I'm sure Karen just threw up in her mouth a little because another chapter in her book is, "Ten Things that Suck About Valentine's Day (easiest list I've ever come up with)".
So, in a nutshell— "I Heart My Little A-holes" is crude, crass and hilarious. There is more cursing in this book than in Good Fellas. If you are looking for an important piece of literature to impress your old English teacher, this is not the book for you. BUT— this book will also make you feel less alone. You are not the only mom who can't stand their kids sometimes. You are not the only mom hiding in your bathroom with fake stomach cramps. You are not the only mom who wants the kids to disappear for Mother's Day.
Here's another favorite quote of mine from Karen's book:
"If you see another mom whose child is throwing a tantrum, the proper way to act is not to roll your eyes and think to yourself that they are obviously doing something wrong as a parent. From now on you should walk by and quietly mention to her, "That was me yesterday," even if your kiddo has been in one of those angelic phases all week. Just make her feel better."
See? Valuable. You can buy "I Heart My Little A-Holes" here.
Oh! Wait! I just had an idea! Let's continue the book club discussion in the comments. Give me your household names for vagina, penis, peeing, passing gas and bowel movements. I'll pick three comments at random to win a copy of "I Heart My Little A-Holes."
Winners announced Friday, the 18th. Let the discussion commence!
We have a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old boy (who is currently obsessed with trying to eat cat biscuits!) and in our house it’s privates for both vagina and penis. We feel that this gets the message across that these thing should be just that, private! As for the others it’s poo, wee and trump because we’re British!
Vagina hasn’t come up as we have a 1.5 yo boy. Penis is bits, pee is wees, BM is poos, farts are blow offs
VAGINA: Currently is simply “privates” because I have a boy. (I’m deathly afraid of using the accurate terminology because I KNOW my child would go to the grocery store and begin several discussions about women’s “vaginas” and how he doesn’t have one but his mommy does. We recently encountered this with breasts. “My mommy has boobies but I have pectorals.”)
PENIS: Penis.
PEEING: Peeing or “going potty.”
PASSING GAS: We use “toot” but growing up I called it a “foofer!”
BOWL MOVEMENTS: Poop, pooping, going poop, etc.
Poo song for gas! Love it.
Term developed by my daughter at 2.
All the others are very standard in our family: vagina – vagina; penis – penis (although, she has said to her dad (who is dark) “papa, is that a poo?”). Wee and poo for the others.
Vagina – lady bits (because they are and he was two when his sister arrived)
Penis – willy (it’s British?)
Passing wind – pumping (my husband’s – I don’t like it but can’t think of an alternative)
Peeing – weeing
Bowel movements – poohing
UK English version?
I came from a house of all girls (me and my sister) and now live in a house of all boys (I have 2 sons)
Penis: Bingy (sounds like Bingee) I have no idea how this came to be. (My sons are constantly asking me why I don’t have one and told me they are going to buy me one) hmm ok! lol
Vagina: Chu Chu (again wtf)
Peeing: Pee Pees
Bowel movements: Poop (is said around 9,675,644,344 times a day, by far their favorite word)
Passing gas: Fart (and that is said all day long as well)
Vagina = vagina
Penis = peter, pee pee
Pee = pee
Bowel Movement = poop
Gas = toot
Vagina and penis. Because one strategy to protect against abuse is to use correct words so that allegations are crystal clear (icky thought but true fact according to child abuse experts). Pooping and pering because I wanted to be clear when they were potty training. Try using toot but fart sneaks in. So kind of interchange those two.
Only downfall (or amusing story if reframed) was when I was in a public bathroom with my then 2 or 3 year old who, as most kids do, loved to make up songs, so she started belting out in our stall, in the crowded restroom a song of which the main lyrics were “Vagina, vagina, vaGIIIINAAAAA”. That was fun. Couldn’t even stop her as she was following the rule of using bathroom words only when in the bathroom …. Less embarrassing had she known another word but hey, still stand by my decision 😉
having 2 boys, we haven’t discussed vaginas. no ‘word’ for it yet, we’ll probably use the real word when the time comes (hopefully i can put it off for a while, lol, just kidding).
penis= penis
gas= ‘toot’
poop= ‘poop’
not very exciting i guess
Vagina = vagina
Penis = penis
Peeing = pee, pee pee, or peeing
BM = poop
Passing Gas = Bottom Pops (she learned this at day care) or farting or gas
My niece called her vagina china for a while when she was little, and my nephew called his penis peanut. Both appropriate names in our opinion.
And my youngest generally says poop for peeing or pooping right now. She’s in the middle of toilet training.
I have a two year old son so “vagina” has never come up as a word in front of him.
Penis = weenie.
Passing gas = fart (and he thinks it his HILARIOUS)
Poop = dropping a deuce.
I have a friend that calls a vagina the front butt.
vagina: vagaga
penis: pee pee pole
pee: potty
bowel movement: dukey
passing gas: fart
Vagina & Penis = 80% of time it’s “private parts” (the other 20% it’s vagina & penis)
Pee = pee-pee
Bowel movement = poopy
Passing gas = toot
i love Baby Sideburns!
vagina= vagina
penis= penis or wiener
pee= pee
bowl movement= poop
passing gas= fart
vagina- pagina, learned from his female classmate
penis- penis
peeing- pee
passing gas- fart or toot
bowel movements- poop
We told our son that boys have a penis, but he had a hard time with that, so it got shortened to pee pee for the time being. We told him that girls have vulvas because that’s the actual name for the external part of a woman, but he repeated it as “Mama has a Volvo” even though I drive a Honda. 😉
Bowel movement: poop (at my in-laws it’s called caca or skata: Greek for $h*t)
Passing gas: toot toot (at my in-laws it’s a “clossy”)
Vagina- girly parts
penius- boy parts or wiggle
pee- pee
Bowel movement- poop. Or 5 yr old son yells,’ I call dibs on the potty’ when ever he needs too.
passing gas- bum burp
I’ve avoided vagina so it’s “front bum,” she thinks penis is a bum too, toot, poop.
Okay, I have bought the book for my kindle and sent it to my i-Phone so I can read it on the train and laugh my head off to annoy all the other travellers – purely Maybe you should ask for commission.on your recommendation and excerpts from the book.
Anyhoo:
Penis: Dick – though rarely used as we are all girls in this house, except Hubby used only if he is lucky…., and Fred the dog who lost the ability to use his at 6 months old
Pee: Pee
Bowel Movement: just not used at all. Banished now that my daughter is 19 and I no longer have a need for it – unless I am swearing and then well that is obvious.
Passing Gas: Fart – or in my Hubby’s case he just says ‘Oh not again!’
And the best for last: Vagina – flower or twinkle. Thankfully only used when telling one female dog to stop cleaning another female dogs twinkle.
in our home:
Vagina – Yoni
Penis – Ji Ji
Passing Gas – Whale Songs ( christened this by my whale obsessed 4 year old after hearing his father pass a long and musical number)
Bowel Movement – Porpies ( a toddler word that stuck )
in our home:
Vagina – Yoni
Penis – Ji Ji
Passing Gas – Whale songs ( dubbed by my whale obsessed 4 year old after hearing his dad emit a particularly long and loud one )
Bowel Movements – Porpies ( a toddler pronunciation that stuck )
My daughter calls her vagina her bottom from me saying “did you wipe your bottom” lol and my son laughingly calls his penis his wee wee, fart is “my butt burped” and we use plan old pooped! My poor kids are doomed! Lol
Vagina – nina
penis- we either say penis, dink, or dinkle doo
Pee- pee pee
BM: poop
passing gas: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! ( my kids fart like grown men… and i have a little princess and a bay) but we mostly say fart or toot
Vagina: pee-pee
Penis: penis (although my boys have used a very large number of other names for this appendage! Such as chickens, & wiener)
Pee: pee
Bowel movement: poop
Passing gas: fart
In a house with mostly boys (4 sons & 2 daughters), we use the word penis on a very regular basis! I can’t believe how much we say it! Lol!
Vagina: ‘Gina
Penis: Wink
Pee: Pee
Poop: Poop
Fart: Fart
Vagina=Vagina
Penis=Penis
Passing gas=Toot (though my son says “stink bombs” when they are particularly heinous)
Pee=Wee Wee/Pee Pee
BM=Poop
Vulva
Penis
Gas
Poop
We say vulva bc she’s not going to be seeing her vagina.
Penis
Pee
Poop
And we say fluff for passing gas.
Oh and pee!
i’m not a mommy but i work with 2 year olds and they are potty training and they sometimes refuse to poop on the potty, so we tell them they need to feed the alligator that lives under the potty. peeing is go pee and passing gas is either pooting or tooting. when the boys are first starting and sitting i tell them to push down the snake.
Vagina- cooter (husbands doing not mine)
Penis- wee wee or twig n berries (also my husbands brilliant idea)
Bowel- just plain poop for me but my son also knows- evil snakes, followed by “poop out the sin, son” (guess whose idea)
Passing gas- poop bubbles. (Actually my sons doing, he’s 3, not my husband, surprisingly)
Penis & balls; vagina; fart; poop; pee…pretty simple.
Vagina: I have 2 boys so we don’t talk about those… Yet
Penis: peepee
Passing gas: make a stinkey
Pee and poo
Vagina- Cooter
Penis- Winkey
Pee- take a leak
Bowel movement- Crap
Passing Gas- Barking Spiders
Vagina: Hoo-Ha
Penis: Icky boy parts (I obviously have a little girl. A very smart little girl, haha!)
Pee: Pee
Bowel Movement: Poop
Passing Gas: Tooting. My kid is so gassy I nicknamed her Tootie
Vagina= ‘gina or vagine
Penis= weenie (balls are ponies)
Boobs= milmils (I live in a house full of boys, so this is a daily topic of conversation)
Peeing is just peeing
Farting is farting
Poop is poop (but apparently it must be said as loud as humanly possible, especially in public places.)
Vagina: Toot or “your business” (as in, “Put your dress down and stop showing everbody your business!”)
Penis: Pee Pee or Winkie Testicles: Peanuts
Bowl Movement: Poop or Drop a Turd (because the size of what comes out of my 5 year girl is surely something for Guinness Book of World Records, and “poop” doesn’t really do it justice)
Peeing: Pee or going potty
Passing Gas: Fart or Stinking Up the Joint
Depends on which parent is around. We are supposed to use all the regular terms, i.e. penis, vagina, poop, pee, and fart. BUT! My darling husband has the maturity of a 12 year old boy so there are all sorts of crazy ass words floating around – especially for penis – wanger, dinglehopper, jahooblies…it just depends on the day!
Vagina is a vagina, but my 19 month old daughter shortens it to “gina”
Penis: penis
Passing gas: toots or farts (depending on if it’s my 19 month old daughter or 5 year old son. You can guess which is which)
BM: Poop
Pee: pee or potty
I have 2 sons & their dad…
vagina – mommy spot (when they need to know it’s real name, I will tell them then)
penis – peepee, weiner
BM – pooping & doodie
passing gas – fart, toot, fluff (just because I need to throw a girly term to feel a little less out-numbered)
Vagina: Front butt (or Bagina)
Penis: Wee wee
Passing gas: Booget (it’s the Ojibwa word for fart)
Bowel movement: poop
vagina=jayjay
penis=weiner (which now my 6 year old says all the time)
passing gas=fart unless someone truly just shit themself then its resgusting or pee yousky 😉
bowel movemnt (a word my mother in law uses)=poop poops pooped or pooping depending on the tense hahaha! i love karen!!!
Vagina:vagina
Penis:penis
Pee: pee-pee or urinate
Bowel movement: poops
Passing gas:bum burps, farts or the smells
Vagina= girl parts
Penis=boy parts or pee pee spot
Bowel movements= poop or poopy
Gas= (fits of giggles) followed by the term fart
Pee: Potty
BM: Poo-poo
Pass gas: Toot
Penis & Vagina (private area as a whole): Pompies. My daughters are 4 & 1, so the need to explain penis hasn’t come up yet since they don’t see Daddy naked. So the word pompies is used to refer to the genital area in general, including the butt.
Vagina somehow hasnt come up yet…
Penis/testicles are his “sackalawegia” for whatever reason he decided Sacagawea deserved her name to be his body parts.
Poop is “pee”
And pee is “potty”
And farts have stayed farts or sometimes they’re ducks where my 2y/o daughter will follow with “quack! Quack!”
Vagina- cha cha
penis- wiggle
balls- cahonies
pass gas- toot
We are a very technical family!!
Vagina- vagina or Gina
Penis- penis or peepee
BM- pooping
Peeing- peein
Passing gas- toot
Girl parts, boy parts, potty, poopy (or #2), and toot
Vagina is lady buisness
Penis is penis
Pee poop
Gas isgas fart or ” there must be a duck in here somewhere ”
Have not even addressed testicles. She’ll have to discover those on her own but not till she’s 25
Penis = panini
Vagina = girly bits, vajayjay, foo-foo
Passing gas = tooting or farting
Bowel movement = poop
Pee = pee
Vagina, penis, toot, pee and poop
So the cute little names I have named these parts are really cute when my 2 year old son says them, but I have a feeling I will live to regret these nicknames as he gets older.
Vagina – Hoo ha
Penis – Junk
Passing Gas – A duck in your bunky (I made the mistake one day of asking if a duck quacked when he passed gas, and he just ran with it)
Bowel movement – Poop
I too had a problem with my mom nicknaming my vagina an off the wall name. My mom called a vagina a moosey. It’s pretty cute until your 2 year old son tells you he wants to go play with his pet moose that he has decided to name “Moosey.”
We use penis, vagina or hooha, toot, pee, and poop. My son’s favorite is poop.
agina became VACHINA somehow and it cracks me up evertime my kids say it
Penis = penis
Passing gas = passing gas.. just cant bring myself to use tne word fart. It grosses me out. And there are rules in my house as to where you can pass gas. Outside, in the bathroom or in your own bedroom. Otherwise you better hold
that bad boy in
Bowel movement = pooping
Vagina: Girl Parts
Penis: Boy Parts
Pee: Peeing
Bowel Movement: Pooping
Passing Gas: tooting
We use the girl/boy parts because a friend’s daughter yelled loudly in the dressing room “Mommy, Wipe my vagina” and my wife wasn’t ready for that experience herself.
vagina = mommy’s
penis = junk
pee = pee
bowel movement = stink bum
passing gas = fart
Vagina= Lady Parts
Penis=Penis (don’t have a boy so haven’t come up with name)
Pee= Peepee
Bowel Movement=Pookie
Passing Gas=Tooters
Vagina- crotch
Penis- penis
Pee- pee pee
BM- poopie or poop, acky poo
Passing Gas- toots or booty toot
vagina: wee-wee
penis: wee-wee
peeing: go pee pee
passing gas: pooting or farting
bowel movements: pooping
Vagina – vagina
penis – weiner
pee – pee
bowel movement – poop
fart – puuter – I have no idea how to spell it, but my grandmother called them that, and I caught my husband saying it the other day. It actually melted my heart a little. Gotta keep that Gma spirit around!!!!
These are hysterical!
Penis = Penis
Vagina = ‘Gima’ we tried Vagina, but daughter couldn’t say it at first so we started saying ‘gima’ Now that she is 5 she says something that sounds like “mangima” which makes me giggle.
Testicles = balls. Is that crass for a child to say?
“Passing Gas” = we say fart:( in fact in Frozen, when Anna says “elated or gassy” my daughter had to ask what gassy meant. I had to settle an argument between her and my nephew. She was appalled that Anna might fart!
BM = poop
Urinating = pee
Penis= Penis or pee-pee
Vagina= We have not yet talked about vaginas with my 2-year-old son! 😛
Peeing = Pee
Passing gas = Fart or toot (or as my son says, “poopy butt”)
Bowel Movements = Poop or poopy
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