When Mazzy was a baby, she had no competition. She was the center of attention, the only occupant of the nursery, the focus of every meal, the owner of all the toys, the sole passenger in the stroller, etc.
With everything in our lives so Mazzy-centric, we spent a lot of energy trying to protect her from everything that could effect her negatively— germs, sharp edges, the evils of television.
Did you know children shouldn't be exposed to television before the age of two?
That's what they say.
"They" being people who don't mind singing The Wheels on the Bus fifty times in a row, I guess.
We would never shout around Mazzy. Not at eachother. Not at her. Even if we got frustrated with her (which we did, of course), it's not like we would ever yell at a baby. It's a baby! Her poor ears would be compromised! Her sense of self would be deflated! Surely, screaming at a baby would have an adverse effect on her psyche long term. These were the formative years, after all!
If that's the case, then POOR POOR HARLOW.
Harlow gets yelled at all the time. She gets her toys taken away, her seat stolen on the couch, her efforts to show affection rebuffed.
Not by us, mind you!
By her big sister.
Mazzy is a great sister. Most of the time. But she can also be really territorial, overly aggressive and kinda mean.
When Harlow is annoying her, Mazzy says something. When Harlow touches her stuff, she yells at her. When Harlow wants to play, Mazzy often tests the limits of how physical she can be until Harlow gets hurt. Even if Harlow starts to play with something on her own, Mazzy will swoop in with sudden interest and grab it away.
It's like Harlow has a bully who she has to live with full-time!
I think this is all normal older sibling behavior, but it's funny how much we thought Mazzy would have been ruined forever if exposed to the very same things.
I have to believe second children still stand a chance of growing up to be well-adjusted fully functioning adults, right?
Mazzy and Harlow share a room. Usually, we put Mazzy to bed a good hour after Harlow, so she's already sound asleep. But the other night Harlow was having trouble sleeping and was still wide awake when Mazzy got into bed.
"Ba bab ababa baba baba abababa!"
From the next room, I could hear Harlow cheerfully trying to converse, clearly excited she now had company.
"Bababa daddaddad bab baba!"
Mazzy ignored her.
"Bab dad bebe be dadad be!"
Silence.
"Ba bababba bababa babababa."
This went on for the next fifteen minutes until finally, Mazzy had enough.
"GO TO SLEEP, HARLOW!!!!!!!"
Oh my god, Mike and I laughed and laughed.
But poor, Harlow. Getting a taste of rejection way earlier than Mazzy ever did.
Harlow must wrestle with her sister to get what she wants at every turn. Every effort is marred in conflict. Every toy she wants to play with needs to be negotiated.
When Mazzy was little, we didn't own toys that she wasn't allowed to play with. Why torture a child with shiny objects she can't have? Now, there are so many things Harlow is interested in— Mazzy's dollhouse, her Elsa and Anna dolls, certain books, jewelry— that are off-limits.
It doesn't seem fair.
I've never seen someone cry as pathetically as Harlow when I denied her access to Mazzy's gummy bear vitamins. I imagine her thought process went something like this…
But they are colorful little bears that you are willingly giving my big sister. All I want is one of them to see if they taste as good as Mazzy's delighted expression suggests. Why are you saying no? Do you love Mazzy more than me? Have I done something wrong? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!
It's a rough life, to be the one-year-old sister to a four-year-old, I think.
Also, when Mazzy was little she had tons of playdates with friends her own age. Harlow gets shuttled around to Mazzy's activities and never gets to do things centered around her.
For the past year, I have assumed that Harlow is not nearly as social as Mazzy, but recently I discovered it's because she never has the opportunity.
I took Harlow to a music class over the weekend and she ran around the class like she owned it. Chatting up all the adults, giving gentle pets to the babies, standing in the center of the circle, clapping like a crazy person to the music.
It's like she was saying— Finally! This is for me!!!!!
The class was at a book store and Harlow took particular interest in one of the books. I bought it for her. It's her first book that isn't a hand-me-down from her big sister.
Do you know what Harlow did with that book when we got home?
She handed it to Mazzy.
As if the whole thing was a ruse to ingratiate herself with the Queen Bee.
Well, maybe being second fiddle has some long term positive effects as well.
Maybe Harlow will grow up with a more realistic world outlook. Knowing things aren't always designed to work to her benefit but also knowing exactly who's ass she has to kiss to swing them back in her favor.
Work the system, Harlow.
It will get you far.
Unless, "they" are right about the no television thing. Then Harlow is totally screwed.
This is exactly why second children are so awesome! Can you tell that I have an older sister?
Nailed it.
Poor second children!! My 2 year old takes everything away from her 1 year old sister. As soon as she touches a toy or book, she has to have it. She even takes both iPads and keeps one as a back up. Lately my 1 year old has been putting all of her food in her mouth at once. I think she’s scared her sister will take that too!
Spot on…EXACT same thing happens at my house with my 4 and 2 year old daughters.
My daughters are now 5 and 2, and our kids sound SO much alike. If Harlow is anything like my Ella, Mazzy will get what she’s got coming to her!
And my husband and I are both younger children so it has been very interesting seeing that dynamic coming into play the older they get. For example, “You took her toy what did you expect to happen, oh and Ella we use our words we don’t hit”… of course we are thinking you sort of deserved that…
All of this is my family right now. Also, the “bad” language that a second child learns from their older sibling and picks up. My nearly two-year-old just yesterday told her four-year-old brother to “shut mouth!” He got in big trouble for saying this the other day, but how do you explain to someone who has no idea what they’re saying that it’s not ok to say that? I’m sure it’s only the beginning.
this is why I’m excited and terrified at the same time to have a second child… lol
Love this one more than I can say. I’m expecting my second child and I have an 18 month old that will be 2 when the baby is born. I can totally see know how different is going to be for each one of them. I can’t wait for the challenge I’m sure is going to keep us extra busy!
I am dying laughing at your last sentences. I have 5 and 1 year old sons and this is all so, so familiar. Poor second child, never getting anything of their own!
My daughters are 2 and 4 1/2 and this is EXACTLY how it is at our house! I always feel so bad for my youngest when she wants to give her big sister a hug and gets the cold shoulder instead. She’s turning into quite a tough little nugget, though, and is going to be bigger than her big sister soon, so payback will be coming!
My daughters were the EXACT same way. They always shared a room, too. Now they are 17 and 20… very well adjusted (even the youngest.. haha) and are as close as I’ve ever seen two sisters be!
I have an older sister. I’m right there with you, Harlow! 🙂
Our house too. Livy is the eldest and poor little Zoë has become her minion. Hopefully their sister bond will strengthen while their cattiness diminishes. Here’s to hoping, fingers crossed!
Opposite. Had my second daughter when my first was 6 years old. Maybe the bigger age gap came into effect? All of a sudden it was the OLDER one, who had been used to lots of alone time, or time centred just around her, who never had to share or fight or hear voices raised, who never got in trouble or had to have playdates that included anyone other than herself and her selected playdate friend(s) … who suddenly had to learn to share her parents, share her time, share her toys, share her friends, deal with noise, deal with limited alone time … and deal with a sister who has the dominant personality and who as the younger one became the default in arguments (just let her stand there first!) as is sadly easier to reason with a 6+ year old than a baby/toddler …
But you know what? She also learned very quickly to share, to be kind, to be considerate, to be a wonderful sister, the benefits of including those who don’t 100% belong rather than exclude them (as did and does still graciously include her sister on playdates/sleepoevers at our house), to negotiate, and how to handle being made to feel uncomfortable with her emotions/physical space in a gracious manner.
And the other benefit? Having a little being who will fight for her own way but whom also at the end of the day idolizes her, as indicated by the homework sheet her little sister recently brought home (my youngest is now 4 so in JK): “I am special because I have a sister that I love” <3
I am the second daughter of two in my family. My sister is 5 years older, but I remember that I was the bully and got 80% of everything I wanted. It could be the age difference that my sister gave in to my demands and also my parents explained to my sister that a baby would losses interest in 5 mins of the object and she’ll move on to something else. I remember I would bug my sister until she was in tears..then I would back off.
Right now my son is an only child, so he is getting everything he wants. But I do try to let him hang out with my nephew who is 13 months older so that he can understand rejection and fighting over toys. hopefully sharing, too..
My girls are all 3 years apart (I have 3) and this was the complete dynamic between the oldest and second. The oldest still could care less about my4 year old, and my 4 year old is devoted to her. But swings it right back around to the one year old. However, my 7 year old and 1 year old are great together! It’s even crazier with 3. This was spot on!
Hilarious and so true. Poor, poor second and subsequent children. It breaks my heart sometimes to watch my little guy get bullied around by my older boy – but my younger is learning to really stand up for himself, too, which is good!
My husband and I were just having a similar conversation the other day. Our oldest will be five in May and our youngest will be 2 in April. The poor little guy never gets to do fun stuff. I always take my oldest places to do fun things, but often the baby gets left at home–because it’s nap time…or he wouldn’t have fun (so we say), etc. My husband and I both decided that we need to make a more conscious effort to take Carson do things….just like we did with his older brother.
And the gummy vitamins. We are having the same fight at our house. I finally last week just gave him one (the older guy gets two)…I figure he’s close enough to being two (the age they can start taking them) that it’s not going to kill him. He looked at me like I just gave him the world. All for a little vitamin. Poor kid.
This is why first borns as adults typically think they are special snowflakes but younger children as adults rule the world…
OMG the photo at the top is HILARIOUS!!! Definitely a classic!!! Harlow will be just as awesome – I’m a second child and I personally think I turned out better than my older sibling! 😉 Mind you, TV wasn’t overly popular in the very early 1970’s (oops, did I just show how old I am, ugh?!)!
YES
My son will be around 20 months when his little sister is born. He loves babies, he has a 4 month old cousin he will sit and watch and play with her feet but I’m nervous about him with a baby in the house all the time. Drinking his bottles and playing with his toys, possibly even sharing a room at some point. I’m worried he will yell at her, take her things and be jealous of her.
When his cousin was born I was helping out with her 3 year old brother (he was 2 at the time) and my son would get very upset if I picked up the baby. He would try to push her out of the way to climb in my arms.
I’m also worried for my husband and I as parents to find a way to balance activities between things for her and things for him. I feel he may have more things to do than she does.
I’m an older sibling and I was terrible to my little sister I was 4 1/2 when she was born and while I loved her very much I was mean at times, especially through my pre-teen years.
Good luck to all the moms of 2.
Loved reading this!! I have the opposite issue in my house – I have a gorgeous, sweet, sensitive 3 year old boy who is struggling to deal with an also gorgeous, but fiery, loud 15 month old girl! Every train set he plays with gets smashed by his sister, every book he tries to read gets ripped. I figure it’s making him tougher in the long run!!
Agree!
It is the same here! My youngest (3) loves it when she gets to play at home alone. She touches everything and giggles because her older sister(4) won’t jump in an take over. Our biggest problem is letting the little one get a word in. She says, daily, “I want to talk!!!!,” because her sister talks from the minute her eyes open in the morning until she closes them at night.
The little one just got a “word in.” She just ran up and said\ “I am faaarting!”
From a different perspective, though, the older sibling often deals with the younger sibling getting to do things at a much younger age than them. For example, I’m the oldest of three children, and I had to wait until I was 12 to get my ears pierced (which is an eternity in kid years!). I remember being obsessed with getting my ears pierced. When the blessed day finally came, my mom and I went to the mall, got my ears pierced (only slightly traumatic), and then I took care of my ears like it was my job (well played, parents, well played). My sister is 5 years younger than me–did she have to wait until she was 12 to get her ears pierced? Nope, I think it was only a year or two after me that she was allowed to have that coveted right of passage.
My husband and I are both the oldest in our families, and have a lot of memories of these kinds of what we thought as kids were serious injustices. Looking back now, our parents weren’t as experienced and we got the strictest rules. We joke that by the time our parents had their thirds, those kids could have gotten away with murder.
That being said, it’s true, older siblings reign supreme. We got the new clothes, we had the newest toys (although don’t get me started on how my sister always got the blond Barbie and I always got her brown-haired friend :)), and we were the boss. But our younger siblings looked up to us, and no matter how bad we bullied them as kids, we’re best friends with them now.
We have a 16-month-old little girl and are planning a second, and my heart wants another little girl so my daughter can have a sister, even if it means that her little sister will get her ears pierced at a much younger age than her. 🙂
So true, poor 2nd children! (In some sense) Like you said, it still seems the world revolves around the first child for us too. We attend to him first, he gets to do fun stuff and our daughter is just taken along. But that music class just for Harlow is a good idea. I’ll have to do that when my daughter is old enough. Funny that Harlow gave the book to Mazzy. LOL, knows how to work the system.
My older sister got to have her sweet 16 party on a boat. I had mine in our backyard and I decorated for it myself. My sister got a graduation party. I did not. I still give my mom flack for this and I’m 31. Make sure Harlow’s sweet 16 is equally as epic or you will hear about it 17 years later. Consider yourself warned… :o)
Sweets and Noggin are 4 and 1 respectively- same as Mazzy and Harlow. Often when your write your posts I say to myself, “is this woman STALKING my children???”
We have the same exact situation with the bedtime routine. We put Noggin down before Sweets in hopes she will fall asleep by the time Sweets goes up. But on the nights Noggin is still awake, the same exact thing happens as with Mazzy and Harlow. Noggin starts babbling away, often ending in her “happy shrieks”, so excited her sister is now up there to talk with her. And after a while, we hear: “GO TO SLEEP, NOGGIN!” from Sweets.
Sweets is a great big sister and typically is nothing if not kind and generous with her sister. But they of course have their moments.
And yeah, we went 2 1/2 years without tv with Sweets. Noggin, um, not so much.
Poor Harlow. She looks little lonely or disappointed in so many of her photos on Instagram too. 🙁
The Team Cuddle contest had me fantasizing about another- this post brought that back crashing down to reality
Harlow is very independent. She’s the sweetest and cutest baby you can imagine! She’s happy and funny! Sometimes is hard get a picture of her smiling. But I don’t think mommyshorts pictures reflects sadness on her.
What a rude thing to say!
We had our girls two and a half years apart and up until now when they’re 5 and 2, we’ve felt like the older has had to adjust a lot more than the younger. For example, during the first year we were stuck at home so much because of the baby and the older one just wanted to get out and start socializing. A year in, the older one was able to get toys with small pieces, but couldn’t play with them because the baby might choke. Of course now that they’re more evenly matched we’re dealing with a lot of the things you mentioned. But the good news is that the two year old has developed a vocabulary quicker because of the influence of her older sister and she can give it right back 🙂
Agreed! You can always tell a first born from a second born. The first born always thinks they are gods gift to the world! 🙂
I am so glad to have proof in writing that my children aren’t the only ones that are this way! I was convinced that my oldest little bully was going to grow into this narcissistic little mean girl that was the biggest bully but everyone adores her basically because they are afraid of her. The poor youngest, sensitive one would be run over by the world and cast aside as a weakling that can’t take anything and is a waste of space…then I learned that at school they are both very kind to everyone, they are both leaders and earners in the classroom and are quite well adjusted, “normal” kids. At home I would have never thought that! Glad to see that it’s not just me with an older bully and a younger victim!