This was probably one of the hardest tasks I've ever had in my life, but after tons of combing and sorting and shifting and weighing, I finally narrowed down over 1000 submissions(!) to the 32 finalists who will be competing in the Evil Baby Glare-Off tournament next week.
They are… the 32 evil looking babies pictured above.
If your baby made it into the tournament, please make sure you reread my photo policy at the bottom of this post.
Wondering why yours didn't make it in?
Perhaps your photo was too blurry, your baby was too tiny or the resolution was too low. Perhaps your baby doesn't really work in a side-by-side. Or maybe, just maybe, your baby isn't nearly as evil looking as you think.
I know it's a tough truth to accept, but you may have given birth to a little angel who doesn't look like the spawn of the devil even on his or her worst day. It's okay. I'm sure there are support groups somewhere.
Here are a few examples of babies who I really loved, that didn't make it in…
Nora is clearly terrifying and will probably find a special place in your nightmares for years to come, but after much debate, I decided the photo is way too pixelated for me to use.
Bradley had tons of votes in the facebook album, but if you crop out his fist, you're left with more cute than evil.
Declan and Zoe definitely look evil, but are more possessed than glaring…
Kylie is employing the use of her middle finger, which while evil, gives her an unfair un-glare-related advantage.
Sorry, Kylie.
And finally…
While Hunter looks like the kind of newborn you would try to push back up the birth canal until he was ready to join the world in a better mood, once I cropped the photo, he just didn't convey the same levels of evil.
So you see, there are lots of reasons why your baby would or would not make it in.
Thankfully, not making it into the Evil Baby Glare-Off contest is a good thing. You can go to bed knowing your child probably won't murder you in your sleep.
Also, all is not lost.
I will be holding a surprise giveaway each day of the tournament. These giveaways are open to everyone whether you have a kid in the contest or not. You will find them at the end of each post.
In fact, let's kick off the Evil Baby Glare-Off with a giveaway today.
I'm giving away a Mommy Shorts mug to the person who best captions the photo of Hunter above.(He's the one in the swaddle who looks like he might strangle the doctor after he eats his own placenta.) Please leave your caption in the comment section.
On Monday, all regular posts will stop and the tournament will take over my blog for one week. I'll post the tournament bracket, the finalists will be pitted against one another, and a vote will determine who makes it the next round the following day.
The last evil baby standing will be announced on Monday, November 4th.
The grand prize winner will receive:
• a $250 Amazon gift card from Chupa Chups
• a Tin of 100 Chupa Chups lollipops (to bribe your evil child into smiling)
• a Chuck Doll, the Chupa Chups mascot (who might or might not look like a penis)
• a Framed Evil Baby Glare-Off completed tournament bracket
• an Evil Baby Glare-Off onesie
• a Mommy Shorts mug
The runner-up will receive:
• an Evil Baby Glare-Off onesie
• a Mommy Shorts mug
• a Tin of 100 Chupa Chups lollipops
• a Chuck Doll
3rd & 4th place will receive:
• a Mommy Shorts mug
• a Chuck Doll
May the most evil baby win!
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If you have a photo in the glare-off, please reread my photo policy and email me at ilana@mommyshorts.com if you have any questions:
You understand and agree that by submitting your photo to MommyShorts.com, you are hereby granting me (Ilana) and MommyShorts.com permission to use the photograph(s) submitted by you in connection with the Evil Baby Glare-Off event, in perpetuity, in any manner and in any media now known or hereinafter developed, throughout the world. You agree that you will not grant the right to anyone else to use the same photograph(s) for any purpose; and likewise, I agree not to authorize anyone else (other than on my behalf) to use your photo without your prior consent. You also understand and agree that by submitting your photo to MommyShorts.com, you waive all rights to inspect and approve the finished product (in which your photo is used). You further understand that I may need to alter, modify, edit or crop your photo, and you agree that I do not need further consent to do so.
“I WILL cut a bitch.”
I am loving this contest, but my kids just look obnoxious when they are glaring at me…not evil!
Are you still doing the crazy lovey contest/post? I thought I saw something about that, but never saw the follow up. My 5 YO’s lovey is a powder blue baby bunting that was his as an infant, but came back into his life when his brother was born. It is called Lovey, and it is a boy. In case you were wondering. LOL!
“If you had seen the things that I just saw, you wouldn’t look happy either.”
Why oh why did this happen to me?!? I was perfectly happy right where I was, thank you very much!
After nine months, I at least expected a hand kit beanie, not this hospital standard issue piece of crap you call a hat.
Why are YOU crying?
“This is the LAST time you put even a speckle of pink on me.”
My baby made the glare off!!!
Hunter’s caption: I just gave that lady ‘2nd degree tearing’ and I actually like her… don’t start with me!!
+1
“I left a pipe-bomb in your birth canal.”
“I have finally emerged from my confinement. I have memorized the names and faces of my rescuers. Unfortunately for them, they were not fast enough.”
So these are the SOBs that have been disturbing my sleep. Payback’s gonna be a bitch.
“I have destroyed all that is sacred to my father. And now, I will feast at the Buffet of Boob. Constantly. Back off, Dad. Those. Are. MINE!”
You better not use this photo to announce my birth. Get me Anne Geddes.
“You better sleep with one eye open!”
no one puts baby in a swaddle
just wait- you people are in for a world of hurt…
If anyone slaps my butt, there will be consequences… Messy ones.
Put…..me…..back in.
He’s not evil, he was just drawn that way
Perfect! +1
You think the doctor just gave you that episiotomy? I cut you, bitch.
Seriously, you woke me up for this?
Coming out wasn’t my idea! You try smiling after being forcibly evicted from your home for no reason. (sure it was cramped and there was no view…)
No shit. Why wouldn’t my fucking breath smell like amniotic fluid?
You better stop crying or i’ll give you a reason to cry
It’s Baby Hunter’s Grandma – Just an FYI, he is a she 🙂
My caption for her is, “GIVE ME BACK MY MOMMY!”
I look nothing like you…
Dr. Bennett’s unusual interest in ventriloquism never really became popular with the maternity patients.
+1
This made me laugh out loud as I answered the phone at work.
LOLOLOL – LOVE this one!
Thanks for clarifying! Cool name for a girl:)
Oh, that made me laugh!
They promised me freedom….
Caption:
So. No time for a wax, huh?
HAHAHA! best 🙂
You’re lucky my arms are strapped down or I’d punch you right in the face.
Mommy thinks she is SOOO clever naming a GIRL Hunter. Watch how clever I am when I suffocate you in your sleep…
Hope you like those stretch marks!
“Eviction?! You’ll be hearing from my lawyers! Wait, what’s a lawyer…”
This is NOT a good look for my figure, mom!
sam-c for the win!! perfection!!
“I came from WHERE???!!!”
“Why did I follow the light? Why…”
I was sleeping
I was in A SPA! You dragged a woman from her spa day? You better hope I find a pool when we get home or I’m going to make your life smell like shit FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS.
U sounded different from the inside.. Why are you screaming so much, mom…
“Man was it hot in there!”
Where. Is. My. PLACENTA BEAR!.