Fox 2000 is slated to turn Go the Fuck to Sleep into a movie. Yes, I'm serious. Industry insiders are already clamoring for the sequel, with options like "Brush Your Teeth or You Will Get Fucking Cavities," "Clean Your Room, It Looks Like a Shithole" and "Stop Being a Jackass and Eat Your Vegetables" all under consideration.
They've already signed on a writer to flesh out the screenplay but just in case he needs a little inspiration, I thought I'd offer up a scene from my own life as reference.
After all, "Go the Fuck to Sleep" could be a documentary shot at my house EVERY MOTHERFUCKING NIGHT.
Characters
Mike………. Father
Ilana………. Mother
Mazzy……. Toddler
Harlow……. Baby
SCENE I
Open on Mike sitting in the living room watching television. There are toys strewn about the floor, a puddle of Go-gurt on the couch and a half eaten hot dog on an Elmo plate on the coffee table. Mike looks like he has been runover by a truck.
Ilana enters the room. She's got spit up on her shirt, her ponytail is askew and her left boob is hanging out of her nursing bra.
MIKE: Is she asleep?
ILANA: Which one?
MIKE: The baby.
ILANA: I put her in the crib but I don't think it's gonna take.
MIKE: What about Mazzy?
MAZZY (yelling from other room): I want some water!!!!!!
ILANA: Does that answer your question?
Mike starts to get up. Ilana panics.
ILANA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING????!!!!
MIKE: I'm getting her water.
ILANA: Are you CRAZY???
MIKE: We can't get her water?
ILANA: If we get her water, then she is just going to scream for something else.
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
MIKE: So, what? Ignore her?
ILANA: Yes, ignore her.
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
MIKE: She's never going to shut up.
ILANA: You have to wait it out.
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
MIKE: I'm getting her water.
ILANA: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't get it for her NOW!!! You'll just be reinforcing that she has to yell repeatedly until she gets what she wants.
MIKE: So what you're saying is, if I was going to get her water, I should have gotten her water when she first yelled it?
ILANA: Yes.
MIKE: You mean, when I first got up to get her the water and you told me not to?
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
ILANA: She's not even going to drink the water. I got her water last night and she just put it next to her bed without even taking a sip.
MIKE: You got her water last night?
ILANA: Yeah. But she asked while I was still in there putting her to bed.
MIKE: You're sending mixed messages!!! The rules aren't clear!
MAZZY: I WAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!
ILANA: Don't answer her.
MAZZY: I WAAAAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: I WAAAAAAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: GO TO SLEEP, MAZZY!!!
ILANA: What did you do that for????
MIKE: What?
ILANA: We were getting through to her and you ruined it!
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!
MIKE: I don't think we were getting through to her.
ILANA: Well, not now that you ruined it.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!
MIKE: Ignoring her isn't working.
ILANA: It will! You just have to make it through the extinction burst.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: The what?
ILANA: It has to get really bad before it stops.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ILANA: Giving in at the height of the tantrum is the worst thing you can do.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ILANA: Then the next time, she will escalate to the crazy place that much faster.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!…….. WAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!…….. WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!…….. WAAAAAATER!!!!!…………………WAAATER!!!!!………………. WAAAATER!!!!!!……………………. WAATER!!…………………………………….. WATER!!!!………………………………………………. WATER!!!…………………………………….. WATER!………………………………………………………. Water!………………………………..water!………………………………….. water…………………………………………………………..
(silence)
(more silence)
(even more silence)
ILANA: See? We just had to—
HARLOW: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
ILANA & MIKE: OH FUCK.
End Scene
————————————-
There. I just saved you $12.50.
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I told my 2 yr old to try not to pee in her night time diaper and to call for me if she has to go. Now miss smarty pants just has to yell- I HAVE TO PEE PEE to get me in her room and then after 4 “tries” she says she’ll try again later.
I haven’t slept since 2009 and I’ve accepted (okay, resigned to the fact) that I won’t sleep for at least 2-3 more years.
Maybe this new movie will put the kids to sleep, it’d be so boring.
Oh I know this situation so well! I also have two daughters (4 years and 11 months). Are your daughters sleeping in one room yet? For us everything changed for the better when we made this step. The baby was around eight months then and suddenly slept for much longer without me in the same bedroom. And the big one (who came out of bed up to 60(!!!!!!!) times) likes that she is not alone and somehow knows she has to be quiet to not wake her sister.
Oh I know this situation so well! I also have two daughters (4 years and 11 months). Are your daughters sleeping in one room yet? For us everything changed for the better when we made this step. The baby was around eight months then and suddenly slept for much longer without me in the same bedroom. And the big one (who came out of bed up to 60(!!!!!!!) times) likes that she is not alone and somehow knows she has to be quiet to not wake her sister.
hehehe i’m so sorry to laugh but i’m right there with you regarding the older one not going to sleep… and also, this is partly why i’m okay with being One and Done. i enjoy what little sleep i do get these days. 😉
And don’t forget, there will be approximately 2 days of pure bliss when the stars align and you think you figured everything out, and then something changes — Mazzy will try something new, Harlow will go through a growth spurt, and the WHOLE THING STARTS AGAIN.
The best trick the devil ever played was convincing parents that they know what they’re doing…
We prep our kids before hand. Potty use, take a drink of your water (for quite awhile they were permitted to bring a non-spill sippy to bed on their nightstand WITH them.) and then kiss goodnight. Mom and Dad will not be coming back in your room. End of story. Do not return, do not answer, do not respond,unless you hear a HURT cry. Its hell and you will hate the first three nights. They will get it and they will learn. And then you will want to talk about weaning off night nursing your 15 month old.. HAHAHAHAH!
We actually did toddler sleep training recently and it helped a great deal, but she still finds ways to work the system some nights. Once we stopped answering her calls for water, she switched to pretending she got hurt and then after we caught on to that, she now claims she has to go to the potty. I’ve got a smart one.
And this scenario actually happened on Friday night after we had successfully done away with the water thing for months. I think it was because I gave her the water in that one instance right before bed. The slightest change to the routine and they take advantage!
Scene at my house at 2am this morning: My 5 month old starts crying for the SEVENTH time since 10pm because she has rolled onto her stomach and refuses to sleep this way, but also refuses to stay on her back-I mean there are points in the night where I don’t even make it to her bedroom door before she has turned back on her stomach and is crying again. My 2 year old is randomly screaming bloody murder in her bedroom because she “saw a ladybug in her bed” and needs me to squish it. I am having an adult tantrum in my own bed for having to get up YET AGAIN, and accidentally hit my husband in the balls-the day after his vasectomy. More yelling. I secretly smile that he has a glimpse of post partum pain and also with relief that he actually got the vasectomy.
I feel your pain.
I could recite a “Go the Fuck to Sleep: Nighttime Separation Anxiety Edition” very well. I’ve been dealing with it for about a month now. *sigh*
Oh wow. This is just…change the names and you’ve got my house every damn night! I’m so tired of putting my 2 year old to bed at 8, only to finally have him “give up the fight” at 10:30 every stinking night.
That said, my husband and I laughed like hyenas when I read this to him. It’s funny when it’s happening to someone else. 🙂
At least she stays in her room!
AHAHAHAHA, this is EXACTLY how bedtime goes at my house EVERY NIGHT with my almost-3 year old.
Well, after she takes FOR.EVER. to put on her own pajamas (and if you try to help she takes them all the way off and starts again), pick out a book that she refuses to let you read because she does that mimic thing where she and pretends she’s reading to you but really she just counts to three over and over while pointing to random shit on the page, then turn of her her light BY HERSELF, then ask for chocolate, then ask for chocolate again, then ask for chocolate milk, then go grab her stool from the bathroom and climb on and jump off it 50 times while laughing so loud I have to yell at her to not wake up the baby, then she yells back at her dad and I to get out of her room, then she climbs into her bed, and then begs us to come back in and sing her song just to tell us to “be quiet” when we start singing.
THEN she starts whining for water and I’m just like, “Oh, hell no, child.”
I didn’t just go through a year of potty training for nothing.
It’s so hard to have a parenting conversation in the middle of your child yelling at the top of her lungs, isn’t it? Hehe. You handled it well. And I’m on your side, ignore.
I know this is just a joke, but I’m concerned people might read this and actually think you’re ignoring a child because it’s nighttime. I know, I know. It’s not meant to be taken literally, but still. I can’t help thinking about an actual child, alone in a bed, crying for water, or comfort.