About a million years ago, I asked Honest Toddler to grant me an interview. He threw juice on me and then demanded candy. Then a few months later, he had a moment (while in Time Out, no doubt) and wrote back with answers to my questions. I forgot about it (I think I was busy having a baby) and now I've finally dug them out for all to see.
If you've ever wanted to grill your children about their picky eating habits and their piss poor behavior and actually get some answers, you'll appreciate my interview below.
For those few people who are not familiar with Honest Toddler— HE IS YOUR TODDLER. He has a blog. Didn't you know? You can find it here.
For brevity's sake, Honest Toddler will be HT and I will be MS for Mommy Shorts. Yes, I realize that MS normally stands for Multiple Scleroris. Let that be a lesson to check the acronym of your blog name before you purchase your domain.
MS: Why the hell won't you eat steak when clearly it's delicious?
HT: Clearly delicious to whom? Food, like gravity, is subjective.
MS: Why do you like to sit pantless on the potty but not actually pee in it?
HT: Because the look of anticipation on your face is so super cute.
MS: What can I do in a restaurant to get you to stay seated?
HT: Put a very small seat under the table. Preferably close to some secondhand gum. Or "gum the remix" as I like to think of it. You just made me hungry.
MS: You are in the pool for a half hour. What's the likelihood you peed in it?
HT: About 100%, why do you ask?
MS: In fifty words or less, help me understand your obsession with Calliou.
HT: I can't stand Caillou as a person but can't stop watching much like adults watch the Kardashians. He is a mess of a child and I know one day those parents will snap. Until then, I will be watching him cry about nothing this afternoon. He kinda reminds me of someone.
MS: How can I get you to listen to me besides offering cookies and candy?
HT: Got any red drink?
MS: How come your favorite food is bananas for months and then all of a sudden you want nothing to do with them? Are you trying to remind me of my high school boyfriend?
HT: Toddlers only eat bananas when they're preparing for battle. In times of peace we eat fruit cups (in heavy syrup, please).
MS: If you could have dinner with any three people/cartoons/muppets in the world, who would they be?
HT: Grover to talk him down from that emotional cliff he seems to be on and help him find another job because he is a terrible waiter. Dora because she seems unsupervised and I like that in a friend. Once Max takes care of his sister, I'd be happy to set up a play date.
MS: What portion of the day do you spend inwardly laughing at the futile efforts of your parents?
HT: 50% of the day laughing inwards, 50% laughing outwardly. I like to mix things up.
MS: WHEN WILL YOU STOP WITH THE WHINING????
HT: Oh you mean my pain song? Never.
If you have a question for Honest Toddler, please write it below. I can't promise he will answer though. He's very busy.