This game was originally created in 2010, shortly after I had my first child, because I believed many new parents would be celebrating New Year’s Eve just as I was— by having a “regular evening”. Although the game was a huge success (success measured in my own inebriation at the end of the night), it needed to be updated to reflect modern day circumstances.

The biggest change to the game is the addition of a “toddler”, which increases the difficulty exponentially. If you would prefer to play without a “toddler” (and who could blame you), please click here for the “First Kid Edition”.

Important: This is a two player game. If you find yourself with more than two players, you are at something similar to a “party” and should stop reading my blog immediately. Enjoy yourself. These moments don’t come often.

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

One baby under a year old
One toddler over a year old
Two unwilling exhausted adult participants
Three stains of bodily fluids (not the sexy ones) on your right shoulder
Forty burp clothes in varying stages of cleanliness
Three unwashed loads of laundry
Four pacifiers in hard-to-find places around the house
One half eaten pint of ice cream
Booze

BEFORE YOU BEGIN:

Please select your “New Year’s Eve Newborn Parent Drinking Game” characters. There are two characters to chose from— Ilana and Mike. “Ilana” will be required to get both the toddler and newborn changed and ready for bed, in addition to reading at least three bedtime books, singing one lullaby, breastfeeding the baby and pumping enough milk to get through the night. “Mike” will be in charge of tooth brushing. Select your characters accordingly.

Due to Mike’s limited involvement in the official bedtime routine, he will also be assigned the title of “Fridge Gopher”.

TO START:

Put the newborn and the toddler to bed and try to return to your spot on the couch within three hours time.

Once everybody is on the couch with drinks in hand— WAIT. You don’t have a drink? FRIDGE GOPHER!!! DID YOU FALL ASLEEP WHILE CHECKING YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL STATS ON YOUR IPAD AGAIN???? Sheesh.

Alright. Let’s get started.

GAME PLAY:

1) Ilana and Mike each drink every time one of the kids makes a sound. Rules are as follows:

Baby sigh: one sip each
Baby grunt: one gulp each
Baby cough: two gulps each
Baby cry: three drinks each
Toddler screaming “MOMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!!” in such a bloodcurdling fashion that you think there may be a snake in her bed: chug your drink

2) If during one of the above, anyone feels compelled to enter the baby’s room to see if anything is really wrong, both people must finish their drinks before anyone can leave the couch. If the baby stops crying before both drinks have been finished, say “Cheers!” and clink glasses.

If the baby does not stop crying, then it is up to Ilana to put the baby back to sleep (why wouldn’t it be?). While waiting for Ilana to return, Mike must drink the entirety of his drink and also think of a nice way to show his appreciation at a later date (I suggest jewelry).

If Mike has fallen asleep on the couch by the time Ilana returns from putting the baby back to sleep, she is entitled to pour one drink on Mike’s head.

3) Drink once for each of the following demands by your toddler:

“Can I have a glass of water?”
“More books!!!!”
“I need the lights on!”
“FIX THE BLANKET!!!!”
“Can I sleep in your bed???”

If your toddler is not demanding anything but is currently in bed singing made-up songs at the top of his/her lungs like he/she is one of the joke contestants at the American Idol auditions, chug your drink.

If your toddler suddenly appears before you like in a scene out of a horror moive and announces, “I can’t sleep”. GAME OVER.

4) If you made it through the first half of the game successfully, you must now take turns issuing a series of “Regular Evening Challenges”. Challenges are as follows:

The “I Forgot To Turn On The Humidifier” Challenge
Person must walk into the baby’s room and check to see if the humidifier is on. If it is not, person must drink once. If it was already on and person has disturbed the baby unecessarily, person must drink twice.

The “I Think The Baby Pooped Because The Nursery Stinks” Challenge
Person must walk into the nursery and take a whiff. If it stinks, person must make the decision whether to change the baby’s diaper. If person decides to let the baby sleep in a pile of their own poop, person must finish their drink. If person decides to change the baby, the person waiting on the couch must drink for the entirety of the change.

The “Did You Remember To Buy Diapers?” Challenge
Person asks the other if he/she remembered to buy diapers. If the other person responds, “If you knew we needed diapers than why didn’t YOU get them?” then that person drinks. If a discussion about who has more opportunity throughout their day to purchase diapers, both people must finish their drinks. If it is decided to break out the computer and order diapers on Diapers.com, then say “Cheers!” and clink glasses.

The “Is There Any Ice Cream Left?” Challenge
Person must check if there is any ice cream in the freezer. If there is, than everybody gets ice cream. If there is not, then Mike must leave to buy ice cream at the nearest ice-cream-buying establishment. Bonus: In Mike’s absence, Ilana gets to change the channel to a TV show of her choosing.

5) Once all challenges have been completed, we are ready to move into the final bonus round called— “Stay Awake, It’s Almost Midnight”.

Turn on your televised New Year’s Eve celebration of choice. (If you have trouble locating remote, take one drink. If you find the remote in your toddler’s dollhouse being repurposed as a bed, take two drinks.) Once the show is on, drink rules are as follows:

Say something lame like, “It must be freezing out there!”: Take one drink.
Start mentally calculating how much money Ryan Seacrest makes per year: Take two drinks.
Never heard of one of the live performers: Take two drinks.
Google the performer and find out he was born after you graduated college: Chug your drinks.

Ok— you’ve almost made it. One more thing.

6) If Mike falls asleep before the ball drops, than at midnight, Ilana must lean over and whisper, “You’re on bedtime duty for the next two weeks”. If Ilana falls asleep before the ball drops, Mike must be absolutely silent because SHE NEEDS AND DESERVES SOME REST.

If, against all odds, you both made it to midnight and no kids are currently crying or sleeping in your bed— kiss and finish your drink.

Happy New Year!

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