The photo above of the Kardashian-Disick clan was posted by NickMom, who noted that Penelope, the newest member, looks very perplexed by her surroundings. Totally understandable, considering she was thrust straight from the womb into the loving arms of a reality television franchise.
While Nickmom wonders what Penelope is thinking ("Why does this room have 400 cameras in it?", "Why does Dad's hair look prettier than Mommy's?", etc.), I thought I would take this opportunity to explain to our newest celebrity… exactly why she is a celebrity.
But I will try to cushion the blow as delicately as I can.
I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but your family consists of a bunch of people who really like the lucrative nature of being on camera despite having no discernible talent.
Thus, in addition to being a baby, you are also a plot point for a reality television series; reality television being one of the only ways for total idiots people like your parents to live their lives in the spotlight. Public scrutiny being preferable to total obscurity, obviously.
Your grandmother, a true visionary, had the foresight to predict that America would care who her daughters were dating, which ones eventually settled down and what additional marketable commodities children were born out of that process union. Then she plotted out your lives accordingly.
Unfortunately for you, reality television does not pan out for people who behave normally. Therefore, your relatives need to make total asses of themselves in the interest of ratings partake in a large amount of unscripted drama.
For instance, you might ask yourself why someone as pretty and well-off as your mother would settle down with the biggest douchebag ever documented your father. It's because, if he were a "good guy", they, as a couple, would be awarded less screentime.
This is the kind of idiocy wisdom that plays into family decision making.
The good news, Penelope, is that you have the power to control your family legacy. You can write your own storyline, quite literally.
If you are a good child who does as you are told, you will most likely be written out of the show and get to live the rest of your life as a relative unknown. But if you throw tantrums of epic proportions, shun daddy like the plague and piss on your mother's $700 shoes— YOU WILL BE A STAR.
It is entirely up to your Grandmother, your agent and your accountant you.
If you choose to go the route of trashy d-list celebutante reality superstardom, here are a few suggestions that will guarantee you maximum screentime and ensure future domination of the entire Kardashian franchise.
1) Cry every time you are put in Auntie Kim's arms.
2) If your father comes home hammered due to a late night out partying, wake up at 5am screaming "DADDY!!!!!!!" as ear-piercingly loud as possible.
3) When visiting Mommy at DASH, bite a customer on the leg and then poop in the corner of the dressing room.
4) If Grandma tries to tickle you, stick a pointy finger nail in her eye causing everyone to rush to the hospital.
5) Scream every time Grandpa's oddly wrinkle-free face enters a room.
6) If and when Kanye proposes to Aunt Kim, steal the ring and hide it in your diaper. (If the diaper is full, even better.)
If you successfully make the show revolve around you, I predict a spin-off by the time you are three, Grandma eating out of your hand by five, emancipation at eight, and a NYU filmmaking degree by 18.
Then, you can make something actually worth watching as a public apology for the rest of your family.
Best of luck (truly),