The photo above was given to me by Natalie from Mommy of a Monster & Twins. Above are the twins— Lila (on the left) and Mia (on the right), languishing their days in a women's prison, so you can only imagine what kind of treatment the "monster" endures. Shackles, a dungeon, and food scraps slipped through a slot in the door, I'm sure.
Natalie tells me that on the other side of the gate is a set of stairs. Translation: Imprisonment is in their best interest. I'm not so sure. This looks to me like Natalie found a way to get her nails done and do a little shopping without having to pay for a sitter. Or perhaps, the "monster" keeps watch while tied to a tree outside.
Anyway, you slice it, Natalie is living in a sick, sick world.
You tell me what's happening in the comment section below. Captions will be judged by Lori from In Pursuit of It All, our current Caption Contest Queen. Winner will not only get the supreme honor of judging the next caption contest, they will also get my first ever caption contest PRIZE— a $50 gift card from ShopAtHome.com to be used at retailers such as Target, Home Depot and Banana Republic. (This contest is not sponsored by ShopAtHome.com; I just found the gift card in a Blogher swag bag and thought I'd make things interesting. So feel free to be as offensive as you like.)
The new Queen will be crowned on Friday (along with the winner of the $100 Rokenbok giveaway) at a very exclusive private party that exists solely in my head. I don't want to give anything away but there will be swag bags worth several thousand dollars in Twizzlers. No joke, I took about 5 years worth of licorice home with me from BlogHer.
Here's one more photo for added inspiration:
Oh, the agony!!!! (Good luck!)
Well, thank you for having the girls over here…this is a couple of my favorite pictures of them!
Much love, my friend!
I can’t tell how to submit my caption- can you advise? Thanks!
OMG that last picture is RIDICULOUS!
I’m cracking up at this. “Oh the agony!” Hahah!
I always giggle when babies cry over spilt milk like its the end of the world. Then I giggle harder when parents fall into their reality and coddle them for it.
“Give us our clothes back!!”
Natalie, love your girls, really.
“He had it comin’, he had it comin’, he only had himself to blaaaaaaame…”
Glad to see someone has started a baby prison. I vote for a return to shock collars as well.
Exactly like that— you just leave a comment.
I would like to use my phone call to contact Gloria Allred.
Natalie: Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? DID YOU?
Twins: Yes, Mommie.
Natalie: Yes, Mommie what?
Twins: Yes, Mommie Dearest.
Natalie: When I told you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it.
(I by no means actually think you’re a mommie dearest Natalie! The movie is a running joke I have with my mom! 🙂 Love the second photo!)
That’s some great Shakespearean drama there!
“out damn gate, OUT!!!”
That creepy guy Miggs just told me he could smell my diaper!
Stellaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
If you don’t open this freakin’ gate, we’ll…we’ll…we’ll…DO NOTHING BECAUSE WE CAN DO NOTHING!!!!! All we can do is scream!!!! Why are you so cruel???????????
Hey, sis, do you think she’ll name the blog after us now. Why does the 3 y/o get all the attention? We can be monsters, too!!!!
“Daddy help us and hurry! Mommy’s locked us in here with her and she’s going crazy!”
The baby cage has been a godsend. I don’t know how we would go on vacation without it!
Getting your temperature taken is NOT the same thing as a conjugal visit!
Caption: “First you take away our clothes, then you lock us behind these bars. Mommy, this is uncivilized!!! Let us OUT”
(side note – I have twins and I have a very similar picture to this – only mine are smiling and happy – hee hee). I’d love to post it and share, but I’m just not sure how 🙂
Who do you think we are?! The Olsen Twins?!
My 2 year old who can relate to this says “let babies out!”
my caption: “nobody lays a finger on my butterfinger”
and to pic #2 since the one clearly looks like crying went to laughing:
“joke’s on you, lady, your delicious, “only for mommy” treats are with us. Who’s living in a gated community now, bitch? muuaaahahahaha”
“Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”
“What are you in for?”
Wails, “Spilled milk!”
Cry all you want, this will be your future if you don’t straighten up!
It’s true- The toys are always better on the other side of the gate!
Guard! Guard! We have Rights, you know?!
Mommy come back! You placed the gate on our toes!!!
“Mommy, I didn’t mean to spill your wine, I SWEAR!!!! It was Lila’s FAULT!”
alternate comment (can I have 2?) for the “agony” picture:
“Tater blames it on us ALL the TIME! He’s the one who hid your laptop, not us!”
If it were the second picture I’d go with, “Dear God in heaven send me a freakin line!”
WE WANT OUR RED UNDERWEAR!!!!!!
(that may be considered pandering to the judge but whatever).
“I knew prison would be rough, but I thought there would at least be a toilet.”
How Mommy finds time to blog.
These bars can’t hold us, Genius. Do you have any idea how soft our fucking skulls still are?
“We swear on all that is holy that the minute we are released from this jail we are pooping on your couch! ”
“Oh how I hate isolation”
Those girls are seriously cute Nat!!!! OMG!!!
OK!!!!… We’re SORRY we said our clothes suck and we wish Rachel Zoe was our Mom!!!!
OK!!! We’re SORRY we said our clothes suck and we wish Rachel Zoe was our Mom!!!
Woops, trouble with posting and now it’s there twice!!
We were framed!!!! Monster did it.
What about PAGEANTS? We can make you famous that way! We don’t want to be the next Sigfried and Roy!
Or something about the Hunger Games contestants getting younger every year.
Red: The first night’s the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell… and those bars slam home… that’s when you know it’s for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO, Mama turn off CNN! We cannot handle watching our Preschool fund tank anymore.”
Sheriff Frank: Tell me something, Billy. How come a cute little guy like this can turn into a thousand ugly monsters?
Billy Peltzer: Well, you see, this is before it enters the pupal stage.
Deputy Brent: The pupal stage?
Billy Peltzer: Yeah, right. Plus it multiplies with water.
Deputy Brent: Aw, Christ.
Sheriff Frank: Brent give the kid some water.
Billy Peltzer: I wouldn’t do that, Sheriff.
(From the movie Gremlins)
Baby 1: “Wilsoooooooonnnnn!”
Baby 2: “You’re tearing me apaaaarrrrrttttttt!”
Lila and Mia always assumed that tax fraud was a white collar crime that resulted in a short stay in a cushy country club style prison. It was only after they met their cellmate, Venus, at Rikers that they realized the hard reality of what it would take to be her number one girl.
“The Mutiny! The Horror! This cannot be the last season of Desperate Housewives!”
But mommy…it wasn’t us mommy! Nooooo! It wasn’t us that took your Jell-o Temptations…really! It was DAAAA-DDDY I swear it was DAAA-DDY! He did it and now he is blaming UUUUUUSSSS! That damn Chocobeast!
“Mom, just wait until I tell Daddy what you’ve done today!”
Ok kids. The food is underneath the table. There’s a pile of diapers in the corner by the kitty litter. Now, wish Mommy and Daddy a lovely time in Turks & Caicos!
Mia: Please Mom! I beg of you! I don’t be mind being held captive— just change my cell mate!
Lila: Sigh. It’s like the womb all over again.
And now the two merry mayhem-makers of the Hoage household jail in their rendition of the cell block tango!
This? Is FABULOUS!
“LAUNDRY DAY?!? AGAIN??”
When we are old enough to talk, we are calling child services… fo shizzle!
Mia, we need to calm down and turn this into a positive. At least mom didn’t lock us in a room with rock hard tile floors. Fuck! Strike that. Will someone please get us some helmets!!??
I think it’s time to start writing the revenge book we’ve been talking about for so long. The world needs to know of these horrbile conditions we are being raised in. Let’s put pen to paper. Mia, how’s your shorthand?
Damn it! It’s very difficult to hide a file in a bottle of breast milk.
(simultaneously) SHE DID IT!!!
That’s the sound of the men working on the chain ga-a-ang…
All day long they’re singin’…
(hooh! aah!) (hooh! aah!)
(hooh! aah!) (hooh! aah!)
I know Mia, I’m upset too. I don’t want to have to align with the Aryan prison gang either, but, I mean, look at us!
Warden: “New MEAT coming through!!”
The Dastardly Diapered Duo: “WwwwAAAAAHHHhhhhhHhhhhHHH!!! WE wanna be the NEW MEAT!!!!”
I know they’re the wrong gender, but I can’t help it: Even at this tender age, George and Fred were inveterate trouble makers capable of hiding mischievous toys on their persons. To maintain her sanity, Molly had to subject them to imprisonment and regular strip searches.
Get your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty human!
I cut a bitch to get in and I’ll cut a bitch to get out.
If they are anything like my toddler daughter, it would be: “How could you strip us of our dignity?! We can’t live without our Jimmy Choo’s. We can’t live without our Coach bags. And we CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT OUR INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH HAIR DRYERS!!!!” (Sorry, couldn’t resist a Spaceballs reference)
Snort snort snort snort!
Sure, Mommy. You laugh. You take pictures of our misery. You leave us in DIAPERS that are WET. But fear not, MOMMY, you’ll get yours. Yes, indeed. And you know what? It’ll be when you’re paying for our THERAPY in 20 years. Hehehe . . .
😉 (I hope I win, I hope I win, I hope I win)
If you are going to treat us like caged monkeys, we shall have no other recourse than to act as such and fling our poop at you. Ye shall rue the day, woman! Ye shall rue the day! By the way, did we mention that YOUR beloved sippy cup is on THIS side of the gate??? Go ahead, woman, we dare ya!
Oh, cannot possibly think of a caption worthy of these pics.
They are gold:I vote for letting them stand alone.
SO FREAKIN WONDERFUL.
Our mommy went to BlogHer11 and left us here to fend for ourselves!
“You’re making us late for our Congress session !!!”
On the next episode of Beyond Scared Straight. Tuesday at 10/9 central only on A&E.
Drama….it’s whats for dinner.
Drama…..it’s whats for dinner.
THIS! 😀 😀
Send it to me at myshort@mommyshorts.com.
Something like… “The Hunger Games contestants get younger every year.”
…and on your left, you’ll see the exhibit titled ‘Birth Control For Childless Friends: Pills One and Two.’ To your right, you’ll see Monster’s cage, titled, ‘Why Mommy Drinks Rosé at Breakfast.’
“I cannot believe you had the audacity to have another child that looks JUST LIKE ME!!!! Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???”
that’s all that keeps going through my head…
… This way to the gift shop.
Exhibit A: Dr. Seuss’ inspiration for Thing 1 and Thing 2.
I really want to win this one, so I’m giving it another go….
Look lady, if we made it outta that cage you call a womb, we should have no trouble getting through these bars! Be afraid, be very afraid!
Haha. Yes… thanks for putting that thought into words for me 🙂
Love it, I wonder if my kids remember baby jail. It’s the only way to keep that many babies contained!
Got milk?
NOOOOOO! The internet is down and we have to see the new MOMMY SHORTS!! Somebody help us!!!
Twin 1: We have been reduced to being treated like the puppy, I told you it was a bad idea to wipe poop all over the crib.
Twin 2: I cannot believe are related, it was not poop, it was playdough.