Mommy Shorts

Manpris, Cupcakes, Booze & a Very Happy 4th

I have many orders of business today. The first is to wish everyone a great July 4th weekend. If you didn't see my request on the Mommy Shorts Fanpage, I'm making a "July 4th Fan Photo Album" next week. If you want to be included, take a cute/funny/bizarre summer photo of your kid(s) this weekend and send it to me by Wednesday night.

If you're new here and you don't know what the fan photo albums are all about, check these out:

Winter Sucked the Big One

Baby Fashion Showdown

The Mommy Shorts Holiday Album

Cake Smash Face-off

Please send photos to myshort@mommyshorts.com and write "JULY 4TH" in the subject of your email.

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It's time to announce the winner of "The Unsexiest Male Attire". It should come as no surprise. The winner (by a landslide) is...

Natasha and her husband's hideous pair of self-made manpris!!!

"The Hulk Pants" won with a whopping 34% of the vote. Second place went to Tracey's husband's "hidden elastic fat pants" with 16%. And nothing else even came close.

Here's what Natasha's husband, Matt had to say about his wife's well-deserved victory.

Congratulations, Natasha! Please email me to claim your gift certificate to Metal Pressions.

Note: Natasha is also the current Caption Contest Queen so between the crown and the gift certificate, at this point, she has reaped more rewards from Mommy Shorts than I have.

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Remember the Crumbs Collosal Cupcake giveaway? Well, people received their cupcakes, devoured them like starving animals, and submitted pictures. Check out this bad boy from Shawna...

That's 3 year-old Jack telling his mom to hurry up with the photo-taking because his eyes are about to grow mouths that he cannot control.

Above is Kendra demonstrating that she has an incredibly small head. (Or, that is ONE COLOSSAL CUPCAKE!)

And here's a picture Kendra took of the Cookies 'n Cream Colossal against an awesomely designed backdrop.

Can you guess which photo is my favorite?

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A few weeks ago, I called into question one reader's Father's Day gift of STUNT CAMP. Evin was super excited to throw her husband off a building and light him on fire.

Well, Evin has reported back and says it was indeed the WORST GIFT EVER. Apparently, her husband wasn't even allowed to participate as it turned out to be a stunt camp for KIDS ONLY.

Evin— I know that sounds like a horrible ending but look on on the bright side. YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T DEAD. That's a good thing, right?

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One of my first giveaways was for a baby clothing company called Jaxxwear. One of the winners had a newborn at the time and the jumper she won finally fits. Check out Abigail's 9 month-old daughter Hannah...

Jaxxwear, if you're out there— I think I've got a new clothing model for you. (I take a 10% finder's fee.)

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Next up— Brian, the guy who wrote "The Single Guy's Guide To Being An Awesome Uncle" would like to add one more awesome uncle tip: Give your nephew/neice their first sip of beer.

That's Brian's 8 year-old nephew, Robby taking the edge off the tough task of coloring. If he's not careful, he may follow in the footsteps of his twin brother Danny (top right) who spends most of his days in a drunken stupor.

Well done, Uncle Brian.

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My next contest is gonna be "The Most Insulting Piece of Unsolicited Parenting Advice". If you've got a doozy and you haven't commented yet, please do so here.

And since it makes me sad when there are no comments, especially on a holiday weekend, I'd love you all to tell me what you're doing for the 4th. Specifically— do you mess up bedtime and take the kids to see the 9:30pm fireworks or is that a disaster waiting to happen? My husband and I are split on this. I say fireworks, he says disaster. Mazzy typically goes to bed at 7:30.

Alright that's it. Eat some watermelon, keep your limbs away from anything that looks like dynamite and meet me back here on Tuesday.

Happy 4th!
— Mommy Shorts

Homeless Friends, Pet Rats & The Best NYC Children's Books

Mazzy is a NYC kid. She lives in a downtown apartment, plays in sidewalk garbage and thinks cockroaches are adorable. (I made that up. She's never even seen a cockroach. Although she does have a pet rat named Mayor Bloomberg.)

Mazzy has been riding on the subway and waving at homeless people since she was only a few months old. She's also made drug-like deals at the Central Park Zoo and randomly bumped into Elmo on the street— he does live here after all.

And every night before bed, we say goodnight to the skyscrapers outside our window (good night Empire State Building, good night Chrysler Building, good night horrible Verizon building that ruins my otherwise awesome view).

In order to raise a kid in New York City, a person must really love it immensely. Otherwise, there's no reason to deal with the lack of space or the insanity over getting your kid into preschool. Mike and I have talked about moving to the suburbs but ultimately, we don't want to deal with the commute and love the easy access to friends, family and amazing restaurants (yes, food figures that highly).

New York City is also one of the easiest places on earth to give a kid a little culture.

For instance, Mazzy's already been to the Museum of Modern Art where she fell in love with a complex piece called "The Escalators". And we had an eventful trip to the New Museum (a day I call "Innocence Lost") where Mazzy was confronted with a 10ft tall statue of a naked warrior woman with a pistol sticking out of her crotch. (It greeted us as we got off the elevator with a great big— SURPRISE! I'LL BE IN YOUR CHILD'S NIGHTMARES FOREVER!) 

And there are so many quintessentially NYC things we have still to do.

She hasn't been to Coney Island or seen Times Square at night. She's yet to experience the parade of elephants down 34th Street or the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (the hugest Elmo of them all). She's never seen a Broadway show or ice skated at Rockefeller Center or seen the T Rex at the Museum of Natural History. We also need to take a trip to the top of the Empire State Building, a walk over the Brooklyn Bridge, and a ferry ride to Ellis Island.

In short, having a kid in New York City means turning into one big tourist.

But when I think about Mazzy's face seeing the Jumbotron for the first time or the Christmas windows at Saks Fifth Avenue, I'd strap on a fanny pack and eat at the Olive Garden any day of the week.

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Mazzy isn't the first kid to grow up in the Big Apple. Below is a round-up of my ten favorite children's book characters based in New York City.

1) Larry Gets Lost in New York City - a dog gets a tour of all five bouroughs in NYC taxi cab

2) The House on East 88th Street - a crocodile named Lyle lives in the bathtub of a brownstone on the Upper East Side

3) Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale - Trixie's dad leaves her stuffed bunny in a laundromat in Park Slope, Brooklyn

4) Corduroy - the department store where Corduroy lives is rumored to be Macy's in Herald Square

5) How Little Lori Visited Times Square - a boy and his difficult quest to get to Times Square

6) You Can't Take a Balloon into the Metropolitan Museum - a girl and her grandmother chase a runaway balloon past NYC landmarks

7) Pale Male: Citizen Hawk of New York City - the true story of a red-tailed hawk who built a nest on the top of one of Fifth Avenue's swankiest apartment buildings

8) Who Needs Donuts? - Sam leaves his house in the suburbs in search of donuts in the big city

9) Eloise - the famously precocious girl who lives in the New York Plaza Hotel

10) Olivia - the strong-willed little pig regularly visits Jackson Pollack's Autumn Rythym on display at the Met

UPDATE: Inspired by Sara from Periwinkle Papillon, I'm adding one more book to the list— And Tango Makes Three. It's the true story of two male penguins at the Central Park Zoo who fall in love and want to start a family together. I think it's the perfect way for a Manhattan based mommy blogger to honor my state's long-awaited decision to legalize gay marriage in New York.

Parental Tweet: On Team Sports

 

follow @moooooog35 on twitter

I'm Mouthing Off Today

Two weeks ago I was awarded "The Mouthy Housewives Seal of Approval" for my Scandalous Father's Day Coupon Book — a gift that can really be given for any occasion except a child's birthday party. (Unless you're interested in weeding out your more conventional mom friends— then it's perfect!)

As if their approval wasn't enough, today they have invited me to guest post.

If you don't know The Mouthy Housewives, they dole out Dear-Abby-style "advice" (read: heavy on the air quotes) on topics such as toddler freeballing and telling your friend their cat smells.

Today I am giving "advice" to a woman whose in-laws consistently arrive a few hours early whenever she hosts family events. My answer involves "placenta mocktails" in case you need added incentive to check it out.

If you're visiting for the first time from The Mouthy Housewives, I suggest reading some of my most popular posts. Or if you prefer to keep things current, you can read my post from Monday called "Is the Beach Worth It?" which ends with an eye-opening pie chart. Or vote for "The Unsexiest Male Attire" before the winner is determined on Friday (so far Natasha is leading with her husband's manpris).

For those of you who are here for the marvelous Dr. B (my resident early childhood development specialist), please scroll down to the post below where you will find that she is taking the day off. In her absence, I made a rather awesome glossary (with categories and everything!) of all her posts.

Lastly, if you are here because you can't get enough of my 18 month old daughter Mazzy (and who could blame you), here's a picture of her dragging a humongous sock monkey through the Times Square Toys 'R Us.

She dropped it as soon as she saw "The Wall of 1000 Elmos".

Obviously.

Dr. B & Early Childhood Development

Dr. B has a PHD in school psychology and specializes in early childhood development (ages 0-5). She is also my sister. Which is why I get to take advantage of her brilliance for free. Since Day One of Mommy Shorts, Dr. B has answered reader-submitted questions every Wednesday and thus added a bit of credibility to my otherwise ridiculous blog.

Lately, I've been getting a lot of questions about topics that she has already addressed. So I decided to make a Dr. B glossary for your reference. Bookmark it, refer back to it when necessary, and I will continue to add to it as she doles out more of her wisdom and advice.

If you have a question that hasn't been answered below, just email it to myshort@mommyshorts.com.

The Playground Conspiracy Theory

I don't know what's happening in the rest of the world, but in New York, the playgrounds have all gotten an upgrade in the past year (or so) which makes them far more advanced than the playgrounds I remember as a kid. This means a few things.

The first being that I would like to play on them.

I know I'm supposed to be an adult and sit quietly on a bench while monitoring my child in the sandbox. I also know that when I follow Mazzy up a playground apparatus and she exits using the (very-fun-looking) spiral slide, I am supposed to turn around and use the stairs back whence I came.

But when I see something like the DOME in Union Square Park (pictured above), it takes all the willpower I can muster not to drop the diaper bag, ditch Mazzy in an infant swing and climb the thing myself.

The other observation I've made about the new-fangled playgrounds and their unidentifiable playing structures is that the lure of the equipment coincides with the degree of danger.

For instance, I made the mistake of standing on an irresistible looking contraption in the newly designed playground in Southampton. The thing started spinning so quickly that I'm not sure if my head exploded before or after I was flung to the ground. (I found a video of the "Death Spiral" here.)

Also, the Union Square DOME was closed briefly last year when they found it has the ability to melt your childrens' hands and asses under the scorching hot sun. (It now has a permanent awning over it.)

Add all these factors together (more fun + more dangerous + less supervision due to parents abandoning their children in order to climb the totally-awesome-looking jungle gym rock wall) and I think someone might have it in for our kids.

Think about this— everything child-related has been massively massively researched. Why do you think your kids react to the absence of Elmo like you took away their crackpipe?

Perhaps, I'm watching a bit too much FRINGE but I think there may be an underground ring of child-hating playground developers trying to wipe the earth clean of anyone under twelve. Don't believe me?

Watch this video.

 

Is it just me or do you totally want to try that thing?

Is the Beach Worth It? (a pie chart)

Along with not being a dog person, I am also not a beach person. Add that to my cooking aversion and not being a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and that makes me the least likely person on earth to find a date online. Thank god I'm already married. (I totally lied on J-Date to find him, if you must know.)

My childhood beach-going memories consist mainly of long walks on blisteringly hot sand while awkwardly holding a lounge chair as it bumped against my shins. That and the uncomfortably wet/sandy rides home in summer weekend traffic made me a big fan of the pool.

Note: I do like the beach in certain circumstances. For example, on vacation resorts— where towels and beach chairs are supplied and you do not have to lug them through a parking lot or bring them back with you into your house.

Despite my disdain for the beach, this weekend I agreed that it would be fun to take Mazzy. Seeing her reaction to new experiences always puts things in a different perspective.

After we treked out to our desired spot with chairs, blankets, towels, umbrellas, a sandcastle set fit for a Buckingham Palace redesign and enough food and water to be stranded there indefinitely, we faced Mazzy toward the water and waited to see what happened.

First she stood completely still, staring out to sea as if she were discovering the world's best-kept secret. Then she began flapping her arms with such glee that I immediately stripped to my bathing suit and ran with her toward the seaweed infested water.

Once at the water's edge, Mike and I held Mazzy's hands and stood ankle deep. As each wave hit, we picked her up by the arms like she was jumping over them one by one. After a few minutes, she started screaming— "It's coming, it's coming, it's coming!!!" as the water approached and a high pitched "woooooo" on each jump. (I asked Mike what she was doing and he said, "Copying you." Oh. Really?)

Then, as if that wasn't enough for me to join "Team Beach", Mazzy turned to me after a particularly rough wave and said "Mommy! FUN!"

My heart melted. She's never used that word before.

But just as I was about to kneel down and inscribe "I LOVE YOU, BEACH!" in the sand, I realized we had only been there for fifteen minutes. I decided to reserve judgement until the day was over.

Good thing, because immediately after Mazzy finished her salt water dip, she took a roll in the sand. And THEN the breaded chicken cutlet had the nerve to ask me to pick her up.

OH NO.

In the end, the beach experience was not quite as magical as it began. But were the moments of joy worth the effort?

The only way to weigh the complete experience is with a pie chart.

As you can see, I'm at an impasse. I'm hoping you'll help me out.

Beach—YAY or NAY?

Caption Contest Winner

This innocent picture of Cormac napping conjured up images of dead body disposal, baby crackhouses, frat house parties and the end of the search for Bobby Fischer. Some thought Cormac was simply the world's worst player of "Hide and Seek" and others thought he was doing a Wicked Witch of the West impression. But the most shocking thing about this week's caption contest? My favorite entry was written by my very own mother.

Sadly, Craig, our judge and current Caption Contest Queen King, hasn't heard of "nepotism" so he will be crowning the equally deserving Natasha.

Natasha wrote:

"First of all, don't judge me for nursing my 3 year old. And secondly, don't judge me for drinking Grain Alcohol while doing so."

Congrats, Natasha! As the new CAPTION CONTEST QUEEN, you will have the supreme honor of judging the next caption contest. I should mention that Natasha also happens to be leading "The Unsexiest Male Attire Competition" with her husband's Bruce Banner Manpris. Perhaps her first order of business should be getting her man to throw out those hideous pants.

As for the rest of you? I'm giving FIRST RUNNER-UP to my mom.

Grammy said:

"I'm so glad we had the chloroform blankie on our registy - it's been the best gift ever!"

I am also awarding the following HONORABLE MENTIONS...

"The People's Choice Award" goes to C @ Kid Things who wrote:

"Samuel L. Jackson came over and told the kid to Go The F*ck To Sleep and everyone knows that you should do what Samuel L. Jackson says."

"The Parenting of the Year Award" was a three-way-tie between...

Carly W:

"Exhausted from scrubbing the deck, Cormac dreamed of pillows, blankets and foster families."

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying:

"She said 'let's play Hide and Seek' 3 hours ago, and Cormac still didn't realize mom's been on the couch eating Ben & Jerry's, catching up on True Blood ever since."

And Nic @ MyBottlesUp:

"And that, my friends, is how we get to keep the halloween candy for ourselves."

"The Mompreneur Award" goes to Suzi H who said:

"After a few successful tests on the children, Alicia was certain her Baby Ambien lab would be a thriving new neighborhood business."

"Best Informercial" goes to Lori who said...

"From the people who brought you "Cat Caught in Trunk!" and "Witch Hitting Tree!" It's..."Crushed Toddler!" Fool your friends with this adorable pair of stripey-jammied legs adorned with pudgy feet that you can slip under any heavy object! Imagine the hours of laughter that follows your neighbors and family screaming in panic when they think little Bobby/Betty has been squashed flat by a sofa, refrigerator, or...as shown in our photo...an abandoned planter. Order NOW and we'll send you a copy of "A Funny Thing Happened and Then I Called Poison Control" for FREE!!!"

And lastly, "The Brilliantly Brief Award" goes to Suniverse who summed everything up with:

"Roofied Again."

Thanks everyone for playing. (You can read the full list of entries here.) And thank you to Alicia from Naps Happen who let us ridicule her child and her parenting skills. If you've got a funny baby photo that you think would make for a great caption contest, please send it to myshort@mommyshorts.com.

As for Natasha? This is your crown. Wear it as proudly as your husband wears his "Hulk Pants". I'll be calling on you to judge the next caption contest soon.

Barack Obama: Nanny for Hire

Having trouble getting your baby to stop crying? I'm sure the President can clear up his schedule to help you out.

 

Unsexy Men's Clothing: It's A Competition!

Remember my "Draperize Your Husband" giveaway? Well, the contest continues. I had asked everyone to describe the least sexy piece of clothing in your husband's closet and you all delivered with some truly horrendous attire.

So I have two things for you today. The first is an illustration based on your comments. The men don't look nearly as offensive as I had imagined in my head, but here it is regardless.

I also took the liberty of contacting a few people with especially egregious clothing descriptions and asked them to submit pictures. And now we're going to put them to a vote just like last time. (YAY!)

Here are your finalists for "Least Sexy Piece of Clothing Found in Your Husband's Closet"...

Natasha said:

"My husband has a pair of pants I call his "Hulk pants", because they appear like Dr. Bruce Banner's after he's turned into the Hulk. They're torn off at the bottoms, and are approximately manpri length."

Ringed Dragon said:

"An extra large t-shirt from Sea World purchased in 1996. It has been through several moves, over a decade of lawn care, room painting, baby food, poo splatters, and an unfortunate run in with a hatchback. I've put it into the trash, only to have it rescued and put into the wash. He claims— It's just getting good!!"

(Note: Shirt was taped to window to illustrate thinness of material.)

Kim said:

"My husband joined the gym for the pool. Doing laundry after first visit produced what appeared to be doll size underwear- a Speedo!"

(Note: This is not Kim's husband.)

Tracey said:

"My husband's least sexy article of clothing has got to be his new (self-titled) "fat pants." He's apparently put on some poundage, and found these khaki pants that have an elastic flap on the side to release tension from his belly fat. Believe me, nothing says H-O-T like knowing your hubby is wearing pants with an elastic waist."

Fritter said:

"My husband has a hedious college cardigan sweater straight out of Happy Days. It is cream colored with a big Varisty 'M' for the University of Michigan on the lower pocket. The worst part? It was given to him by his mother."

Varda said:

"I accidentally bought my husband a pair of lime green boxers that say "Stocking Stuffer" across the ass. (They were sold folded up, I had thought they were solid, didn't see the "message" til he put them on the first time!) They are now ten years old, stretched out and NEED to be retired. Not to mention my own damn fault."

Frazzled Mommy said:

"Ahem... His wedding suit from his first marriage. Definitely the absolute LEAST sexy thing in any man's closet."

(No picture necessary.)

Joann said:

"My husband LITERALLY has a pair of jean overalls in his closet. 
He bought them for halloween one year, and he refuses to part with them."

(Note: Sadly, this is not Joann's husband but what better way to illustrate the unsexiness of a pair of overalls then to show how they transform a beautiful man into someone totally unfuckable?)

Kerri said:

"The item would have to be his "I'm Grumpy because your Dopey" T-shirt which pays homage to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

Dusty earth mother said:

"A bright red reindeer Christmas sweater from 1986. I'm not kidding."

Those are your top ten. And now I feel like Cat Deeley. Except the winner doesn't get screamed at by Mary Murphy, she gets a $25 gift certificate from Metal Pressions. Yes, that's right— there's a prize. That's how we do things here!

Metal Pressions makes personalized high-end jewelry including the fancy schmancy monogrammed cufflinks  pictured left. Since there is no where to put cufflinks on a reindeer sweater, I also included a picture of a 14k Gold Love Charm Necklace, in case you'd prefer to get something for yourself. I should mention that $25 does not cover either one of these, but if you look around their site you'll find great pieces in a variety of price ranges.

Alright, ladies— start campaigning. Winner is announced next Friday. Make sure to vote below!